ASHLEY SPIVEY’S BACHELORETTE BLOG: EPISODE 1

Wow, is it really that time of year again?  It seems like just yesterday that I was watching my bestie from our season of Bachelor 15 be the Bachelorette (Ashley Hebert).  Now I get to watch another friend from my season be the Bachelorette and be constantly nervous because I want to protect her from getting her heart broken!

You know, the more I got to know Emily that season, the more I was sure that she would win Brad’s heart or be the Bachelorette!  It’s no surprise to me that she has now been both and I couldn’t imagine a more perfect person to get a second shot at love on this show.  Emily is a beautiful person, inside and out, and her and Ricki both need a wonderful addition to their already stunning family and I hope Emily finds that on this season!

It’s only about 5 minutes in and Ricki is already stealing the show!

Watching Emily’s journey through all of this makes me want her to get her happiness even more!

I love all of Emily’s southern-gal sayings!  Hearing “golly” (Urbandictionary says golly is the whitest word ever hahaha) and “put on your big girl panties” was really cracking me up!

I can’t wait to see what kind of guys they found for her!

Kalon.  I just can’t.  He is making this too easy!  At first he kind of reminded me of Ames Brown, but Ames is way too classy for any of this crap.  I will call him TMDN from now on, short for ToolMcDoucheNugget.

I actually think Ryan is pretty cute and he seems really nice but he said “GOOOOD” so many times in his preview that it was all I could think about!

Poor Tony!  I totally feel for his single Dad situation and he seems nice enough but then he had to go and make a horrible joke.  Y’all are competing for Emily dudes – where is y’all’s A-game?

Lerone seems like a strong, manly dude…that owns a little dog.  Weird.

I rewatched David’s intro at least 10 times because it was was just too unbelievable!  He says that song writing comes naturally, but then he belts out a song that consists of one word – EMILLLLLLLY! (Sidenote: I sang this song all night)  He also took some time to memorize his SAT vocabulary and said the following words: disparate, quintessence, and ineffable. He also reminds me of someone and I can’t put my finger on it.

I was going to make fun of Charlie’s quote at the end of his intro (how nothing is wrong with his heart) but my boyfriend thought this caption was much funnier and I have to agree.  Regardless, Charlie is like a big teddy bear and he seems so nice!

I’m on the fence about Jef at this point.  I want to like him but he spells his name with one f and he has a troubadour/rooster haircut.  However, he does run a non-profit and he seems to be a pretty passionate dude.

Arie is hot.  Like really hot.  Like so hot that I’m not even going to write about him, I’m just going to stare at this picture some more.

Seriously, how cute are these two?

I love that Emily wants a whole mini-van of kids!  Even when we were in the house, Emily told us that if she didn’t start a family soon she wanted to adopt so she could have more babies!  The girl is a mommy machine and has such a giving heart!

I was so glad when she said that she wanted to stop talking about her tragic past – I know it can’t be easy for her to relive her sad story so many times!  Let’s let the girl move forward please!

Emily closed her eyes and said a little prayer before the guys showed up – I’d like to pretend that she was really hoping that Bentley wouldn’t show up like everyone thought he would.

I was disappointed when David didn’t sing his song for Emily but he more than made up for it by asking a douchey question – “Who chose Charlotte?”  David, are you serious?  You wrote a song about the girl – don’t you know that she is from Charlotte?

Doug is up next and he wastes no time asking about Lil’ Ricki and telling Emily that he is a single dad himself.

Oh Jackson, you know what was worse than your pink shirt/magenta tie combo…

…Your lame quote.  I love that Emily really can’t hide her feelings towards these dudes!

Joe steps out of the limo and is a ball of energy!  I can’t stop laughing at his cheesy dance moves or how much he resembles James Van Der Beek.

Aaron definitely checked out Emily’s boobs after she told him that she failed Chemistry and Biology!  He also totally has a Richard Mathy type thing going on!

Ben Flajnik has a hair twin and his name is Alessandro.

I think I really like Jef.  He has this carefree attitude that I love and he also seemed so confident that it makes him more attractive!

Stevie. No. Bless your heart.

Tony went a bit too far with the whole fairy-tale analogy but I can appreciate the effort.  I just wish he had picked a hotter glass slipper.

Word to the wise:  If you want someone to be attracted to you, you probably shouldn’t dress up like an old woman.

Em isn’t even trying to hide her disgust anymore!

Things you never want to hear a guy say – “My friends call me Wolf.”  And what the heck is a data destruction specialist?

Travis was so nervous!  His voice kept squeaking, he was sweating so hard, and I can’t believe he didn’t drop the egg from all the shaking he was doing!  Bless his heart!

I’ve never seen a guy have a pouf before.  What the heck Ryan?  This is not gooooooood!

Also, he totally should have filled in that t more!

A guy arrives in a helicopter and I immediately think it’s going to be Bentley or Brad.  The guys have already decided that they don’t like him.

Turns out, it’s TMDN, and I’m already giving him an Emily O’Brien side-eye.  He seems totally insincere and keeps one hand in his pocket when he hugs Emily.

Joe can’t even remember if he introduced himself.  No need Joe, I’m only going to call you Dawson from now on.

Brent tells Emily that he has 6 kids and even she looks terrified.

I can’t decide if I like Chris or not.  He’s already being very vocal and competitive.

And his choices in bobble heads aren’t doing him any favors.

Even Emily is insulted.

Jef and Emily have some one-on-one time and Emily says that Jef makes her feel like a nerd and she hopes that he thinks she’s cool.  He totally thinks you’re cool Em – he was staring at you so intensely all night!

Kalon thinks that he makes great first impressions.  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Doug brings Emily a handwritten letter from his son and even I get a little teary-eyed.  Of course he gets the first impression rose, which also makes me a little sad for him – getting the FIR is like the kiss of death now.  He will not make it to the end.

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie.  Have you not learned anything from past seasons?  Don’t start drama on the first night!

Oh whatever… call him out dude – Helicopter Guy totally sucks.

Chris is pretty upset that he didn’t get the FIR.  Handwritten letters from kids > bobble heads that look nothing like you!

I can’t believe how serious this dude is being about the egg!  I love it!

Must have been a little humid in Charlotte because Alessandro’s hair lost all of its volume throughout the night!

Omg – David totally reminds me of a skinny Wes.  Too bad he never got to display his vocal and vocabulary skills for Emily – he would have gotten a rose for sure!

Randy was totally regretting his decision to dress up like a grandma by the end and of course he didn’t get a rose!

I care more about the egg than some of the guys at this point! Will he drop it?  Can you just keep an ostrich egg out like that?  Does it not have to be refrigerated?  Where in the heck did he even get it?

Poor Brent – he feels like true love might not be in the cards for him at his age with all those kids.  I really hope he’s wrong because this makes me really sad for him!  Hopefully, someone was watching last night that loves men in their 40s with 6 kids!

This picture doesn’t even need a caption.  I just love the placement of the – Created By Mike Fleiss – and I love that he loves himself this much!

So what did y’all think?  Who are you loving this season?  Were you surprised to see anyone go home?  Will Kalon be this season’s villain?

I personally love Arie, Ryan, and Doug!

Please head on over to http://www.saynotocosmo.com for more Bachelor/Bachelorette info, relationship questions, and more!

Excited to blog another season with y’all!

 

52 Comments »

  1. Great blog Ashley, so looking forward to them every week. You are hilarious

    Comment by Donna — May 16, 2012 @ 3:34 pm

  2. I hope the first impression rose isn’t the kiss of death because I really like Doug. Roberto got it on Ali’s season so there’s still hope!

    Comment by Becca — May 16, 2012 @ 3:35 pm

  3. “data destruction specialist?”

    methinks he runs the paper shredder.

    Comment by Possessionista — May 16, 2012 @ 4:00 pm

  4. I loved the blog, it brought out some points I missed in during the premiere. Thanks !

    Comment by Brianna — May 16, 2012 @ 4:00 pm

  5. Seriously, can you just keep an egg out like that? Google time. When it showed clips at the end, I was remembering how Brad said Emily had a feisty side to her because of the whole, “get the f#ck out!” thing. I love that she stands up for herself even though she is such a southern sweetie!

    Comment by Kelsey — May 16, 2012 @ 4:03 pm

  6. John “Wolf” goes by “Wolf” because his last name is Wolfner. He is actually an extremely good guy, and a catch.

    Comment by amy — May 16, 2012 @ 4:08 pm

  7. I agree, your blogs are seriously hilarious!!! I hope your write every week too. I hope Emily finds a great guy for her she deserves it.

    Comment by Coco — May 16, 2012 @ 4:09 pm

  8. Your blog is a hoot, Ashley, and spot on for the most part. I liked Lerone (tho not for Em), but took one look at his dog and wondered the same thing. Maybe it was his mom’s dog!

    What is wrong with TMDN’s face!! It’s not just his mouth or words, it’s his whole face (apologies to his mom)!

    David’s song – well, it was so horrible my ears hurt! I was embarrassed for him – doesn’t he know how bad he is?!

    Boombox guy, Grandma dude, and that last joke of a guy – I so hate arrogant people! And, frankly, if someone takes the time to work out that hard to get abs like that, well, he’s not going to have time for a wife, babies, or love – he only has enough for himself!

    After rewatching Monday’s first episode, my favorite four are Sean, Arie, Jef, and Doug. Of course, it’s too early to tell. I’m not sure, at this point, if I trust Arie – he might be a ladies’ man. On the other hand, I like some of the looks he gave Emily (not just the “you’re stunning looks), and from clips of future episodes, Emily seemed smitten with him. I like Jef – he seems an honest and decent guy, and I sure do like his company’s purpose. Sean lives in Southeast US, closer to Emily. I wonder if she’d move away from Ricki’s grandparents – they seem to have a tight hold on her.

    Doug seems very nice and it could work out, though he’s so far away from Em’s grandparents and her huge house.

    Looking forward to your blog each week, Ashley. I like your sense of humor, and you are wise beyond your years!

    Comment by halfpintdynamite — May 16, 2012 @ 4:09 pm

  9. Just for you Ashley. This was also Created By Mike Fleiss:

    http://i50.tinypic.com/vrc3u1.jpg

    Comment by Hot Gut Region — May 16, 2012 @ 4:11 pm

  10. Ashley, you never fail to make me laugh out loud (for real lol not just the fake lol that people put at the end of everything).

    Comment by Dana — May 16, 2012 @ 4:18 pm

  11. I love your blogs! Three of us in my bracket have Arie, Ryan & Doug final three with each of us picking a different winner!

    Comment by Ashley Glatz — May 16, 2012 @ 4:23 pm

  12. Don’t apologize to Kalon’s Mom for his face. His surgeon needs to apologize for such a bad job on the botox and veneers. He & Emily have the same teeth – but Emily’s suit her, whereas his? No. Ick.

    Comment by Rachel — May 16, 2012 @ 4:32 pm

  13. Why are the images sooooo small? They were so much easier to see on your blog! I hope you can get larger ones for future posts… :)

    Comment by Wendee Holtcamp — May 16, 2012 @ 4:45 pm

  14. Love your the best always, making me laugh, you nailed it.
    I love Arie for me and Jef for Emily. :)

    Comment by Melissa — May 16, 2012 @ 5:11 pm

  15. Great blog, Ashley. The only problem is the pictures lose a little something in translation being so small as compared to on your blog. Hopefully ABC can rectify this for next week. The big pics and big font were your signature, fo sho!

    Comment by shaun607 — May 16, 2012 @ 5:56 pm

  16. I thought I liked Doug too until it came out that he has a criminal past! He assaulted his ex-wife and apparently went into the backyard and shot a gun. Also arrested for a few other things (petty larceny, etc). ABC should do better background checks I think

    Comment by Sarah — May 16, 2012 @ 5:56 pm

  17. Would like to see some of the final couples do a spin off reality show.

    Comment by Coco — May 16, 2012 @ 5:56 pm

  18. I missed the first episode but I knew I didn’t miss much.

    ?: WTF would you get that size breast implants. I mean, seriously. You look a total laughing joke. Not being mean Ashley, it is the truth.
    They are just way too big for your frame.

    The worst set of bolt-on’s is Krisily. Hers look like concrete. At least yours look soft.

    Dumb girl.

    Comment by CL — May 16, 2012 @ 6:49 pm

  19. Yay! It’s the “Ash Show!” I ALWAYS read every blog u write!! Of course us Carolina Girls gotta keep up with each other! That’s rigth yall!!!

    :)

    Comment by Dana Doster — May 16, 2012 @ 7:58 pm

  20. Oh lord Ashley!
    “her and Ricki both need”

    Would you ever say “HER needs”?
    What’s with “Ricki both” ?
    Try it the right way~
    Both SHE and Ricki need

    Comment by Michael — May 16, 2012 @ 8:22 pm

  21. Ashley good work, so funny, my favorites so far are Arie, Chris, Shawn, Jef. I thought Doug was ok but I just don’t think he will win Emily’s heart. Thanks

    Comment by Roberta — May 16, 2012 @ 8:23 pm

  22. I love the data destruction specialist! never noticed that..LoL!

    However I do think emily has got too much “work” done on herself. Srsly…if I had the Hendricks money to spend on boob jobs, veneers and botox, I wld look like a blow-up barbie doll too!

    Comment by Rose — May 16, 2012 @ 9:20 pm

  23. I love your blog the best, Ashley!! I can’t stop laughing!!
    My favorite is Jef. And his pompadour ROCKS!! <3
    I think David looks like "idol" Kris Allen. lol
    ToolMcDoucheNugget. Priceless!

    Comment by Ryvetted — May 16, 2012 @ 9:30 pm

  24. Omg you crack me up! Thanks for the great recap; you made my day!

    Comment by rebecca weaver — May 16, 2012 @ 9:54 pm

  25. So funny :) I like Arie, Jef, Charlie, Ryan and Travis. I’m still trying to figure out why I think Travis is a good fit for those final ones, I thought the egg thing was incredibly strange, but he doesn’t seem strange, a little goofy and like a good guy. Maybe because you know her well, you could catch all her “you have got to be kidding me!” faces, all I could think was, “how on earth am I going to be able to tell who she likes this season, she’s so dang nice to everyone!!”. My husband stopped watching with the glass slipper bit. Too much. Ryan’s entrance with the note was AWESOME. Best entrance of the night!

    Comment by Beth — May 17, 2012 @ 3:48 am

  26. you’re recaps are the BEST part of the show! :) Looking forward to a great year!

    Comment by Rebecca Jo — May 17, 2012 @ 5:27 am

  27. Great recap!
    Anyone else think Doug looks kind of like Brad?
    Doug, Arie and Charlie are my favorites!

    Comment by Jamie — May 17, 2012 @ 5:57 am

  28. haha, i cracked up at “Emily O’Brien side-eye”…i love your recaps, ashley!

    Comment by Christine — May 17, 2012 @ 7:36 am

  29. Sadly, I can’t watch this season. Emily’s veneers DRIVE.ME.FUCKING.CRAZY!!! They are way too big for her mouth. Can’t stand to watch her try to stretch her lips over them. ugh.

    Comment by Debra — May 17, 2012 @ 7:51 am

  30. Any comments on Brad Womack saying he dogded a bullet with Emily?

    Comment by confused — May 17, 2012 @ 8:44 am

  31. Seriously love your blog Ashley, look forward to reading it every week. But can we talk to ABC about making the tiny pictures bigger? But seriously, your recaps crack me up.

    Comment by JillianSomer — May 17, 2012 @ 8:57 am

  32. David looks like the Jonas brothers

    Comment by Sierra — May 17, 2012 @ 9:12 am

  33. You picked my favorites!! Love your blogs!

    Comment by Tracey — May 17, 2012 @ 9:43 am

  34. Enjoyed reading this! Will you share with us your score on the bracket ?:-)

    Comment by antonia — May 17, 2012 @ 11:41 am

  35. I gotta say that I was nervous about who was gonna get the FIR only because it seems that whoever does,ends up to be the “runner up”…Jef and Arie are my top 2, so I was sort of relieved it wasn’t either of them. Some other guys that I like so far are Ryan,Charlie,Nate,and Tony…:) Good luck Emily!!!

    Comment by Gabriela — May 17, 2012 @ 1:51 pm

  36. Love your blog!! So funny!!
    I like Arie too – he is really hot, but have you heard about the whole story of him dating Cassie Lambert?

    Comment by Hilla — May 17, 2012 @ 2:36 pm

  37. *I meant that he used to date her, I knoe she is engaged now..

    Comment by Hilla — May 17, 2012 @ 2:37 pm

  38. Might have spent your money more wisely investing in a nose job than those awful fake breasts. Your entire life seems to revolve around everything Bachelor which is quite pathetic and sad. It is Ashley and you know it.

    Comment by CL — May 17, 2012 @ 5:28 pm

  39. CL – i should have invested the money into a douche eliminator so that people like you would cease to exist.

    Comment by Ashley Spivey — May 17, 2012 @ 8:02 pm

  40. Favorite screen shot: David’s Emily song. Totally cracked me up. That song was just embarrassing. I’m a huge Emily fan so I can’t help but feel she really got shafted in her group of men. Casting sucks. I expected 20 AMAZING men who would be smokin’ hot with about three duds and two crazies for the show. Out of all the men that applied for her, this is the best they could do?? Lame. I only see about four who are worthy of second date. Poor Emily. :(

    Comment by amberlee — May 18, 2012 @ 7:03 am

  41. Check out this memoir that Kalon wrote chronicling a trip he took to LA. He is a villain in real life just like the show.

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kalon-McMahons-Memoir/237264379713677?ref=ts

    Comment by Angela Steiner — May 18, 2012 @ 1:07 pm

  42. mmm

    POMPADOUR… so not troubadour!! LOLLLLLL

    Comment by Mary — May 18, 2012 @ 3:58 pm

  43. i feel like kalon is a creepy, unsexy christian grey. ew.

    Comment by Marie — May 18, 2012 @ 11:00 pm

  44. There’s something about Jef….he gives me butterflies and I think I’m falling in love with him :) Also, Mary, Kalon and Christian Grey should never be used in the same sentence ….. EVER! :)

    Comment by Rachel — May 21, 2012 @ 7:11 am

  45. Helicopter guy grew on me through the episode. Stevie/Boombox guy however, irritated me more through the episode. Sure, Helicopter guy is a bit arrogant and showy but Boombox guy just came across as jealous and threatened and was clearly just stirring up drama. Helicopter guy > Boombox guy.

    Comment by Lorna — May 21, 2012 @ 5:05 pm

  46. Ashley – your blog is AMAZING. I have introduced it to all of my friends. We can’t wait every wednesday to see it and you are SO spot on! I especially love your lolcat quotes. Ben’s blog was incredible. We need good villians to make this season as wild. Thank you again for writing this!!

    Comment by elise — May 21, 2012 @ 8:54 pm

  47. You have just made watching the bachelor SOOO much funnier!

    Comment by Colleen — May 31, 2012 @ 10:09 pm

  48. Im soo happy Jef won! They look so happy together!

    Comment by Faith — July 22, 2012 @ 8:16 pm

  49. Your blog is pretty decent but I absolutely ADORE Kalon Joseph Reid McMahon.
    Kalon, as a producer told me, didn’t know much about Emily coming into this show. He was approached by some staff and he thought she was beautiful. He had watched a few of The Bachelor and think it will be interesting. Dates are cute, special and definitely romantic. He’s a cheeky smartass guy. He comes from a rich family. They sell oil, gas, pipelines and glasses so yeah… Cheeky male model from money is perfect for the role.
    Kalon To Chris Harrison: “The only people on edge are fat chicks.”
    At an event (Are you gonna say hi to Erica Rose?) “She’s left. That’s why I came in.”
    To Stevie’s ‘I don’t like you’: “I would hate me too if I were you..Unfortunately, I’m me though.” [Stevie kept on smiling and gazing creepily.]
    On Bach Pad:”Like everyone else, I need 250K. Chopper fuel is expensive.”
    On Bachelorette’s portrayal: “I gotta thank ABC for that ’cause they set the bar so low for me; that as long as I don’t step on babies, I’m kinda a hero.”
    On GF at home and cheating scandal: “That’s not accusation. That’s ridiculous!”
    LMAO, I love his one-liners.

    Comment by Lovehim — April 8, 2013 @ 12:29 am

  50. I have a thing for cocky a-holes. Rozlyn Papa, Courtney Robertson and Helicopter Guy, even Wes Hayden.
    But mostly, McDoucheNugget’s sass!

    Comment by K-lon — April 8, 2013 @ 12:40 am

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