Blake’s Bachelor Pad Blog: Episode 3

Back again, here is my take on this week’s episode 3 of Bachelor Pad. We have it all this week: crying girls, a princess turned spy, more crying girls, and an ending that gave Tony Soprano deja vu. This week wasted no time diving right back into the drama that seemingly follows Melissa (and myself) like a cartoon rain cloud. Kirk made a very astute observation early on, proclaiming, “having a partner who is slightly crazy can get you in trouble.” I spent the remainder of my time at the mansion finding out just how much trouble it would earn me. However bizarre Melissa’s actions may have seemed, in any other context I believe they would be justified. Anyone with a sister or daughter would surely agree that playing on someone’s emotions is unacceptable. And for that reason I was sorry to hear Melissa say I hurt her. I was also surprised, seeing as how she developed these feelings in such a short amount of time. Some people claim to wear their heart on their sleeve. I can only surmise that in Melissa’s case, her sleeves are in fact constructed from actual emotions (perhaps the reason she’s always cold). In the context of this game, however, where everyone is playing to win a quarter of a million dollars, matters of the heart are clearly a detriment. Still, that is no excuse for hurting someone’s feelings. I wish we could have had a civil conversation to diffuse the situation rather than an argument, which only served to pour gas on the fire.

The following day brings less arguing, a sunny sky, and the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever had the privilege of doing. After the previous night’s tumult, I was really hoping I could win this challenge. As we walked out and saw what Chris Harrison had in store for us I knew I was doomed. Damn it man, I’m a dentist, not a synchronized swimmer! I’ve got to hand it to the guys though. Everyone put their best smile on and got after it. Even though there could only be one winner, everyone approached the challenged with a team attitude. Maybe that’s why we dominated over the girls–if you can call floundering in a pool trying not to drown “domination.” Last year’s winners Natalie Getz and Dave Good certainly had their work cut out for them. Picking a winner from our melee must’ve been like determining which pile of cow dung smelled the least awful. We all stunk. For the sake of brevity, we’ll cut to the chase: Michelle and Michael won. Special shout outs have to go to Erica for the best bunny hop/dive ever; to Michael for his gratuitous crotch grab while flying through the air; and to the editing staff for taking out most of the bawdy exclamations uttered when we revealed our speedos.

Following the competition, Kasey and Vienna finally succumb to the pressures of the insane asylum that is the Bachelor Pad, and the facade of their perfect relationship comes crashing to the ground. I found it most interesting that Kasey basically admitted to scheming with Vienna, carefully constructing an assassination plot on Jake’s character before entering the house. So when Kasey sees Vienna being cordial, which in my humble opinion is the adult thing to do, he loses his cool. Perhaps it’s episodes like that that lead her to say, “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.” Her statement reveals a lot about their relationship, regardless of the reason. It seems to me this game would be a whole lot different if everyone actually started on equal footing.

Speaking of footing, stomping grapes on Michelle’s date at the vineyard was incredible (check out the deleted scenes). I’m sure Kasey and Graham, who were also in attendance, would agree. The setting was so beautiful and serene, it allowed all of us to take a deep breath and enjoy the simple pleasure of being away from that pressure cooker of a mansion. Michelle pulled me aside for a little motherly advice, basically telling me if I don’t make up with Melissa I’ll be headed home. This fact that seemed rather obvious to me, but it was good to get a little confirmation and allowed me to put a game plan together. The rest of the date was geared towards the budding romance between Graham and Michelle. The setting for their one-on-one time looked like it was straight out of the Little Mermaid. So much so that I was basically waiting for a frog to jump up and start singing, “sha-la-la-la, you’ve got to kiss the girl”. Kasey, however, remained quiet.

Michael, winning for the second time in a row, again selects Holly to go on his date along with Ella and Vienna. Hilarity abounds as they put on some sweet looking helmets and go horseback riding. Vienna seems to dominate the commentary with incessant whining about everything under the sun, and then even the sun itself. Apparently her horse couldn’t take any more and started to trot, hurrying them to their destination in an unpleasantly jarring fashion. The date concludes on Bret Michaels’ tour bus as the rocker serenades Holly and Michael with, “Every Rose has its Thorn.” Could that be more appropriate?

Watching Erica Rose this episode kept a constant smile on my face. She was cracking me up the whole time. She made a smart move trying to turn the tide away from the power couples, got herself a new partner, and flexed her intellectual strength over Melissa. And she did all this while locking lips with Jake–lips maintained every six months, mind you! Her strategic capability is commendable, but her spy skills definitely leave something to be desired. What if she had to tell you how to disarm a bomb? Her slow monotone would literally kill you. Her stealthily (I’m using that term loosely) comings and goings were hilarious.

Jake and Erica work together making a strong push to get Kasey out of the house and purloin his seat as “The Godfather.” Everything was going according to plan until William pipes up with his first speaking appearance of the show and uses it to tip off Kasey to the plan. Ding Dong! I also found it interesting that Kasey and Vienna directly confronted Melissa and Erica, laying a guilt trip on them for the exact same thing they did to Ames and Jackie the week before. Hi, Pot…. meet Kettle. All of Kasey’s huffing and puffing would have been for naught if only Kirk had played a better game. His decision as the swing vote was a crucial one, and unfortunately for all the Jake fans (and fans of intelligent game play) it was the wrong one. We’ll see if it turns out to hurt him in the end. Finally, what was with the show’s ending? I can only imagine Jake will get a little more airtime next week. Lame. Until next week…