Chris Bukowski’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 5

We start this week off with 11 girls, meaning 10 more to go until we crown the new Mrs. America…oh wait, I mean until we see who captures Mr. America’s heart. That is, unless Sean pulls some freaky move and decides to choose more than one girl…and they go for it (unlikely). The bearer of good news, Chris Harrison, comes in and tells the girls to pack up their stuff because they will be starting a worldwide journey today! Hopefully the girls don’t have a lot of baggage with them. Where have we heard that before? (Hint: Kalon). The girls light up and you can see their fairytales dancing around in their heads.  Hawaii, Florida, overseas!? NOT EVEN CLOSE! We’re going to Montana, yes Montana. I personally love Montana, but you see it in these girls faces that this is not exactly the exotic vacation they imagined when they singed up for the show. I mean our first stop on Emily’s season was Bermuda. Emily 1, Sean 0.

And we’re off…Sean is in the plane confessing his love for Montana.
Sean says that he’s already falling in love with Montana and that it could already be his favorite place he’s ever been. Really!? Dude, we were in Bermuda, London, Dubrovnik, Prague, etc… OK for those of you who have not been to Montana at least you were able to get a free preview. What did you all think? Personally I think if he could have, he would have dropped the first rose out of the plane to give it to Montana.

Back at the house, the perfectly printed date card comes in and The Bachelor’s very own Vanna White, Selma, gets to show off her reading capabilities. Typically this is the time when everyone goes from really liking each other to faking his or her excitement for the girl whose name is on the date card.
I’ll tell you one thing, every time my name wasn’t on that date card my heart sank a little bit. Lindsay gets the one on one date and everyone pretends to be happy for her. Tierrable sends over a lethal look to Lindsay, but Lindsay’s inner strength fends off the evil. I was really excited for Lindsay to get the one on one date because I’m interested to learn more about her and she seems to get better every episode. We all know she has the looks, but does she have the personality that Sean is looking for? We found out…

Sean and Lindsay head out to their helicopter and Sean stated that this is the most badass helicopter ever! At that point I just imagined Kalon sitting at home and rolling his eyes while saying, “He must’ve not seen mine.” Alright enough about Kalon, when the hell can we talk about Tierrable!?

Lindsay and Sean obviously had a strong connection and it seems that their conversations flow rather smoothly. Lindsay talks about her father and how it was tough for her not knowing if he was ever going to come since he was in the military, which leads to her want to settle down…I’m thinking Sean likes the sound of that.  I have a great amount of respect for Lindsay, as I could not imagine growing up with my father not being around all the time. They obviously hit it off and we all see that this is just two good people being good together. I can definitely see this working out.

Back at the house, the group date card is delivered and read. Prior to the card being read the girls whip out their calculators to find out a difficult equation that comes out to being, “Well if you’re not on the group date then you’re probably on the 2 on 1 date.” I had to get a new bottle of wine at this point of the show. Anyone else with me?  I nearly dropped my glass of wine when I saw Selma’s reaction to being on the group date. Did she go “toot toot” or “whoop whoop”? Either way it was super funny (which we’re seeing is clearly in Selma-fashion). I guess it’s the little things that get me.

Alright, so finally all of our dreams have come true and Tierrable is going on the always dreaded two on one date. I think the other girls name was Jackie, but that doesn’t really matter. Most of us know the story of David and Goliath, and I’m thinking that Tierrable is perfect for the role of Goliath because she has the ego and confidence of a giant. Also, her eyebrows. That’s all. Her eyebrows. Do you see them? How can you miss them! I’m not so sure that Jackie can play the role of David because I’m not so sure who she is.

The group date is a “Bachelor Pad” style date consisting of two teams competing for, you guessed it, Sean. I’d say the main thing we need to know about this group date is that sweet Desiree would, and does, chug goat’s milk for Sean. I’d say that’s pretty much a clue that she has fallen hard already. Thanks to Des, the blue team wins and gets to spend the night hanging out with Sean! The girls are in for another surprise, though, when Sean feels bad and brings back the red team (aka the losing team) back to hang out with the winning team. Burrrrrn. The winning team goes from happy to pissed, and the losing team goes from pissed to happy. Meanwhile, the girls are all waiting to steal Sean away for a few minutes…or seconds, but little do they know Miss Tierrable has left the house and sneak attacks Sean for a kiss. I’m surprised he didn’t just pull out a rose for her right then. He’s clearly blinded by the terrible side of Tierrable…oh wait, he hasn’t yet seen it. Obviously, he is blinded by something, though, as every girl who mentions something about her being bad gets the boot, its a trend.

Tears of the night go to Daniella, who then ends up with the rose. Bravo, Daniella!

On to the much anticipated two-on-one date. Jackie, Tierra and Sean saddle up for a romantic horseback ride. I don’t know if Tierrable put a spell on that poor horse, or that it just so badly wanted her off that it somehow traveled way faster than Jackie’s horse, leaving Sean and Tierra together, and Jackie in the dust, which happens to be a foreshadow of the night when Sean chooses Tierra and sends Jackie home. Yes, that was basically the gist of the night. Not much more to say about that one. Tierrable, terriable night for Jackie.

On to the Cocktail Party…Tierra mentions punching all the girls, laughs her evil laugh, and then secludes herself to sit by the fire with her rose. Robyn then mentions that she WILL make this the Bad Girls Club, and goes over to confront Tierra. They bitch at each other. Sean doesn’t see (again), and is still searching for reasons why everyone is saying things about Tierra (red flag, Sean, why is she the ONLY one being bitched about…) Lesley reassures Sean that Tierra is not who he thinks she is, but it doesn’t matter, because at the end of the night, Robyn goes home.

Do you think Sean is just naive? Or do you think he really has chemistry with Tierra?

My favorite girls are: Lesley, Lindsay, and Selma. Who are yours?

Also, some of you have asked about my restaurant, Bracket Room. Here’s a link from the press release!

Until next time…

Chris B


  1. Ummm “Most of us all know the story of David & Goliath”. This makes no sense….remember David won, not Goliath. Get. A. Life.

    Comment by Michelle — February 6, 2013 @ 11:58 am

  2. Also you are writing about episode 5 here, NOT EPISODE 6!

    Comment by Michelle — February 6, 2013 @ 11:59 am


    Comment by meli — February 6, 2013 @ 1:01 pm

  4. It was actually the red team that won, not the blue team.

    Comment by Janice — February 6, 2013 @ 1:28 pm

  5. at the very beginning of the season i loved selma because she’s so gorgeous, but she just seems kinda annoying after their 1-on-1. she’s very contradicting when it comes to her morals lol
    my favorites are des, lindsay, ashlee, and after episode 6 catherine! i have no idea how he will choose from them! they’re all so great and they all seem to have undeniable chemistry with him.
    i agree, tierra is so bad. how can sean be into someone like tierra and also into girls like the favorites on the season? she’s crazy, i don’t get it.

    Comment by shay — February 6, 2013 @ 2:31 pm

  6. did anyone else see that Tierra stole someone’s blue flannel? or was I seeing things!?! no one has mentioned it in their blogs!

    Comment by Candy — February 6, 2013 @ 3:12 pm

  7. Des is my favorite!!
    I use to like Selma, but she has really fallen back into the distance and is obviously not a good match for Sean, seeing how they have Nothing in common.
    I found my self wondering how weird it would be for the poor guy if he did end up with Selma at holidays with Iranian in-laws or trying to raise children of mixed cultures.
    I never see Sean and Tierra the annoying together that she isn’t whining about something!! I don’t see how he has become “crazy about her”.

    Um yea Montana-most under populated state
    Why not stay home :/
    He seemed to be on an emotional period while there!!!

    Comment by Kristi — February 6, 2013 @ 3:12 pm

  8. I saw the Blue Flannel!!
    And wondered if someone on the losing team just gave it to her since they were upset about going home…
    I watched episode 6 too-waiting on that blog!!!!

    Comment by Kristi — February 6, 2013 @ 3:15 pm

  9. hilarious.. laughed my way through this read. I like every girl but Tierra so of course Sean will choose her. Crazy Bitches always get their man. Plus Chris hasn’t once (in any pre interview before this started airing) asked Sean if he is in love or engaged #RedFlag…. the crazy bitch wins then he watches the show and realizes that she’s … well a crazy bitch!

    Comment by Aislinn — February 6, 2013 @ 4:10 pm

  10. Lindsay and Catherine are my faves. Ashley and Sean seemed to have formed a stronger bond after the whole blind folding bit, but I see more chemistry with him and my top two. Tierrable is just an attention seeking drama setter who has some screws loose upstairs. Lesley is really cool, but I don’t know if their connection is long term.. Selma was great in the beginning, but became super aggressive in terms of some of her bold statements and really contradicted her morale statements a lot… Poor Sarah…

    Comment by Katherine — February 6, 2013 @ 4:33 pm

  11. Emily-1

    How about Chris B. Bachelorette-0
    Chris B.-Bachelor Pad-0 This zero covers your wonderful and winning ways shown on BP too.

    Don’t quite your day job.

    Comment by Jessie — February 6, 2013 @ 4:36 pm

  12. quit

    Comment by Jessie — February 6, 2013 @ 4:36 pm

  13. My favorites are Des and Catherine, they seem the most grounded yet playful at the same time, which seems like Sean has those sides too.

    Comment by Mwerd — February 6, 2013 @ 4:48 pm

  14. I like your blog Chris. I do think Sean has chemistry with Tierra. I think he really likes her but he hasn’t seen her ‘real’ side yet. I’m sure he is realizing now while watching. I can’t imagine she’ll last much longer. He has to get tired of the drama and see she is the center of it!

    Comment by Ann — February 6, 2013 @ 4:51 pm

  15. Selma always struck me as a bimbo. I know she’s smart, but just her attitude…of “I’m a princess,” the vapid expressions, and her ample boobage. I think she just needs to grow up.

    I actually liked this blog. Chris was fun and witty. Had personality.

    As for Tierra. I think she’s cute. I prefer Catherine for Sean or the other nerdy girl from DC. I can see why Sean like Tierra. She’s really cute and has a cute fat little body..not like overweight, but cute with curves, perky behind and boobs and very pretty face, effervescence. I think he feels protective of her. Men like to take care of girls and she has made him her hero. Good game playing. Men like bubbly girls like Tierra..and I can almost guarantee, she probably has lots of guys interested in her.

    Comment by page — February 6, 2013 @ 5:01 pm

  16. Kristi, please refresh your knowledge of the World . Selma is from Iraq , not Iran. Side note: Selma is not a Persian/Iranian beauty, she is an Iraqi beauty. Persians are not Arabs and they really resent being clumped together; what unites them is their religion, that is Islam (they are Muslims). Selma is luscious and sensual; she is a charmer and seductress, and Arie (remember him?) met his match.

    Comment by Malgorzata — February 6, 2013 @ 6:11 pm

  17. Hey everyone, I realize I’m writing about episode 5.. There were two episodes this week and episode 6 blog will come out tomorrow. I appreciate everyone being interactive with the blog, that’s what makes it fun. For everyone that has something negative to say.. I’m not forcing you to read the blog. Thanks!

    Comment by Chris Bukowski — February 6, 2013 @ 7:29 pm

  18. You should read if you want to really read a funny Bachelor Recap

    Comment by Jonathan — February 6, 2013 @ 7:40 pm

  19. 2 favotites are catherine and leslye m and i like desiree too.
    Sean are not naive Tierra play good game with him and sh’s drama queen,manipulator and play victime sean don’t have tv 2 see real evel eyes tierra and very strange girls behavior with nasty behavior.

    Comment by mimi — February 6, 2013 @ 8:40 pm

  20. Hi, CHris,

    Ignore the haters. You know, I think what it the negative energy..There is just something like mean, hostile, negative about you…comes through in your writing that you are not a happy or spontaneous person and that’s what people are responding to.

    When you change your attitude, your writing will improve.

    Comment by page — February 7, 2013 @ 6:01 pm

  21. I sort of like Teirra, and the previews for next week ep 7 she seems really fun when 1-1… maybe she just needs to get out of the house. But my number 1 pick for Mr Lowe is Ashlee.. I think that will work ..they live in the same state..and she is ready to settle down.

    Comment by Lemur P — February 8, 2013 @ 11:41 pm

  22. The next Bachelorette should be Sara from this season Bachelor Sean Lowe.There wouldnt be any judgement cast on her because of her 1 arm.

    Comment by Cheryl — February 13, 2013 @ 4:11 pm

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