Jaclyn’s Bachelorette Blog: Episode 3

Episode 3: Clicking my heels: Get me the heck outta Nurth Caroline!

Things are getting straight up weird. I totally get it. This is the week I literally started to lose my marbles. Constantly being surrounded by people who you are “competing” against. Talking about your feelings all the time. Dissecting date cards for 8 hours (I’ll get to that).

The first one-on-one date of the night goes to Chris. We hear some more of the “I am so glad to be here,” “I can’t imagine being anywhere else but here” lines, YAWN. They take a nice stroll to only realize that they will be climbing up a building on dingy ropes and helmets for dummies. PS – Who was that loser that yelled “WE LOVE YOU EMILLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!”

Chris says, “Emily looks so good in a harness, I don’t think anyone else could look as good in a harness.” UH, what? OKAY bud.

Lightning and thunder strike literally 2 nanometers away from Chris & Emily, but they make it to the top and finish it off for a high 5. Since my blog is late this week, I saw a lot of people were saying how they couldn’t belieeeeeeve Chris didn’t finish their climb off with a kiss. I beg to differ. What if their helmets banged into each other and made for some awkwardness, kinda like when teeth hit teeth, or braces hit braces? OH the middle school nightmare memories…

Their dinner conversation is somewhat slow, but Chris is hot and doesn’t really need to say all that much in order for Emily to get the giggles around him. He then tells Emily he is 25, and Emily says, “You never told me that you were 25, did you?” 3 Cheers for Chris when he fires back “Actually, yes I did” half under his breath. I burst out in to hysterics at this point. Then Chris tells the world that he is VERY mature because he left for school at 17. So. did. I. I also graduated when I was 21. I am not mature. It’s because my birthday is in August.

The rest of their date goes swimmingly, and some hottie boom bottie country dude sings them a song as they make out.

Back at the “mansion,” the group date card comes and it reads “Let’s Play.” Someone immediately goes “Guys, what do you think that means?” and I laugh to myself. They only show the over-analyzing of the date care for about 2 seconds, but I can GUARANTEE that they were deliberating for hours. When our date card came in Sonoma it said “Come Play With Me” or something like that…we thought of EVERY possibility it could be, cat fights in the process, and never once guessed the literal meaning. Oh, a play. We are so dumb.

The boys go to a playground and any Emily leaves to go talk to her friends. THESE ARE HER FRIENDS!!! Emily is a 26-year-old BABE. Did I miss this in episode 1 when they had a koombaya around a picnic table? I mean, maybe I should start hanging out with Emily’s friends…just sayin’.

Wendy is the funniest chick ever and I couldn’t wait to hear what verbal diarrhea was going to occur next. She literally wet her pants over Sean.

Ryan makes the comment of the night when he says if Emily let herself go and get fat, he would still love her, but not love on her as much. LOVED IT. I saw all of the reactions people had around the inter-webs. Honesty is a virtue. (Is that right? I am known to mess up phrases. Like once I said “Ignorance is golden” and I have NEVER lived it down). I wish people would stop taking this show SO seriously at every moment and learn to take a joke. I couldn’t stop laughing. So thanks for entertaining me, Ryan! Oh, and plus, it’s true. If my hub turned to flub, he ain’t getting “loved on.”

For the night portion of the date they have a cocktail party (where the magic happens) and the guys start to slowly lose it. Tony is crying in a corner against a brick wall in a back alleyway. He misses his son, which I get (well, no I don’t), and so he decides to call him. I think he mentioned his son was 5, but in this case, Tony miiight be the kid in a big boy costume. Silly Tony, Trix are for kids. SEE YA!

Doug sends me to tears with such a heartbreaking past, but nah, he’s still not in my top 5. I just want to see more of Doug ASIDE from sob stories and single dad talk. I want to see his personality more, without having to hear about sad things!! WHERE IS FUN DOUG!? Man, he stresses me out.

New one-on-one date goes to Arie. Nate finally joins us this season with 1 line. He’s really hot with no camera time. Shame.

Arie wins the cliché of the night award: “I am a race car driver, so I am used to things moving really fast. But so far with Emily things have been moving really slow.” Emily’s reaction to Dolly Parton showing up was adorable.

Arie and Emily have a ton of chemistry and their kiss was sexy. Before giving him the rose she waves it in his face, then adds a “but…” Unfortunately this joke didn’t turn out as well for my girl Elyse. Boo hoo :(

Flash forward to the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Ryan catches Arie making out with Emily, snorts some bath salts and chews Arie’s face off.

Kalon continues to grow on me each week. His conversation with Emily was filled with “that’s what she said” moments. I really am digging his assertiveness and the fact that he is REAL.

Alessandro, aka Frodo Baggins on ecstasy, tells Emily that Ricki is a compromise and that he once shacked up with his cousin. For some reason this is enough for Emily to send him home. Quite puzzling. I saw some comments asking to give Alessandro the benefit of the doubt because it was a language barrier issue. Dude is from Minnesota, accept it for what it is.

Bye bye to Stevie, who will most definitely be MCing my next themed party.

I absolutely have been loving the reader comments! The good, the bad, and the whatever…keep em’ coming! A comment from Ashley last week said she “peed a little” reading my blog. Just an FYI, my friends and I call that “pittle.” Best word ever. Fuse it into your vocab.

‘Til Next Week!




  1. Hilarious! Love it haha! And I seriously don’t get why people are hating on Kalon, I mean, he didn’t say anything wrong so far.. and asking Emily to give him a chance to talk, well he wasn’t that rude, she kept on interrupting him every time he spoke, so yeah I like Kalon at least he’s not being fake and overly nice just to win her affection!

    Good job on your blog and I am totally adding pittle to my vocabulary !

    Comment by Zahra — June 1, 2012 @ 12:47 pm

  2. In Emily’s blog she said what we did not see with Alessandro was that he took her in the woods and said he was a vampire catcher and there were crosses hanging from tree branches, he also had a relationship with his cousin. After all that who cares about the language barrier? Also I disagree about Ryan’s comment being funny, it was rude, and Kalon pretty much told her to stop talking and listen, his comment was condesending. Thanks for the blog.

    Comment by Roberta — June 1, 2012 @ 12:49 pm

  3. hahahahahah laughed the entire time. So no vampires, just bath salts. yep.

    Comment by Melissa — June 1, 2012 @ 1:47 pm

  4. It’s cool that you were not “offended” and “flabbergasted” by Ryan’s weight comment and were able to see past that (Chris Harrison described Emily as being the above because of that comment). You don’t automatically react to just everything people say in such a strong way, which is healthy I believe. The guy runs/coordinates a whole fitness program so I think he is looking for someone who is ideal in that department and maybe her fit-appearing body is part of the reason he originally signed up; let’s consider that idea anyway right.

    Chris and Doug aren’t really moving me (that’s the best way I can put it at this time!)

    Your catch phrases are entertaining and poignant. I think you have a natural knack for coming up with amazing things to say in a given moment (and more to come on tv I hope), even if what you say is soaked in sarcasm; your style remains very charming and piercing in truth ;)

    Comment by Ha — June 1, 2012 @ 2:32 pm

  5. the whole Alessandro thing was really great. Very, very clueless of him to think his comments would not get him sent home. I think Ryan is looking for a girl version of himself, and I do not see Emily as that person. Kalon is not relationship material. Period.

    Comment by suzi Q — June 2, 2012 @ 8:02 am

  6. Hey! What’s with the Minnesota hatin? We don’t claim Alessandro. But I guess Brazil wouldn’t either. :P But did you guys read about how it actually was a language barrier issue with the word compromise and commitment being a false cognate in his native language? If you go back and listen to Alessandro’s comments, the word commitment makes much more sense. He even told Emily’s girlfriends when talking about being a free gypsy, “I have no compromise in my life right now.” I’m giving his weird ass the benefit of the doubt in this situation… but this situation only! Loved the blog Jaclyn. Hope to see your humor on BP3!

    Comment by Me — June 2, 2012 @ 8:58 pm

  7. I think your blog is mean and borring no idea why they would put you here,your out of touch with some of your analysis. That’s why you have like 7 comments cause most people really don’t want to know what your thinking x

    Comment by samantha — June 3, 2012 @ 8:22 am

  8. Best. Blogger. Award. :)

    Comment by Penny Farthing — June 3, 2012 @ 10:23 am

  9. You are one crazy girl and I love it!
    I am at work and trying to contain myself while sneaking in the reading. You know how it goes. Glad I did not pittle!

    Comment by Claudia — June 4, 2012 @ 1:16 pm

  10. Not gonna lie, you drove me bonkers last season, but I just cracked the heck up at “verbal diarrhea.” Real or not, Kalon carries himself like a spoiled rotten frat boy. Can’t handle it.

    Comment by Nina — June 4, 2012 @ 3:48 pm

  11. Jaclyn, please take down Ben’s picture. Tired looking at him. Thanks.

    Comment by steve Jack — June 4, 2012 @ 11:24 pm

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