Jaclyn’s Bachelorette Blog: Episode 2

Episode 2: Space Jam

Seriously, am I watching Space Jam or The Bachelorette? This whole episode I was waiting for Michael Jordan to swoop in and teach these cartoon characters how to play ball. Where is their game!?! 

I must say, with the exception of my favorites, I was let down by these dudes tremendously. When you have the abs, you MUST have the personality to back it up. No ifs, ands, or nice butts about it. A cute guy with no game ALWAYS gets nexted.

Now for this week’s tangent: Let’s keep rolling with cartoon analogies, shall we? These guys are to Emily, as Roger Rabbit is to Jessica Rabbit. Googly eyes begging “OH EMILLLYYYYYY LET ME COUNT THE WAYS!!!!” I had to cover my eyes numerous times watching the guys try to converse with her. Majority of them castrated themselves right before our eyes. Note to self, when you say “I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you” ad nauseum, you basically convince the girl that as well. These guys are essentially eliminating themselves and leaving no work to Emily. Ugh. Moving on.

The first date card comes and it’s for Ryan! YES! He would have been my pick as well. His entrance on night one was adorable and definitely left a sweet and lasting first impression. He is so tan. I LOVE tans. I mean, did you SEE my skin tone on Women Tell All? Der.

I loved how the date was so non-Bachelor-esque. It felt real, and forced Emily and Ryan to talk…rather than just marvel over the great views or the scary jump off a cliff they are about to take. Plus, the music that played when Emily told Ryan that they were bringing in groceries made me LEGIT LOL (I only use “LOL” when I really laughed out loud. Any guy who uses LOL freely in texts, tweets, IMs…trust me…get rid of him YESTERDAY).

Pan over to the guys not on the date who are lounging by the pool with beers and greased up bods. Something about this scene made me crack up uncontrollably. It is because I could not get THIS IDENTICAL SCENE out of my head!

So on to the Muppet group date.

We open with Kalon, in lipstick, saying, “I embrace the stage!”

The guys learn they will be performing on stage, with the Muppets (ew, I HATE the Muppets), and Charlie needs a hard system reset as we watch him take on the role of Colin Firth in “The Kings Speech.” Charlie is visibly SO nervous it made my heart melt! Two things I learned at this moment 1.) my heart is NOT made of stone! YES! 2.) I would never ever ever make Charlie speak in public. Call me.

At the night portion of this date, Jef plays it cool and you can tell that Emily is crushin’ hard – especially when she gives him the group date rose. He will definitely be sticking around for a while.

Kalon dishes some comments and Stevie says, “I don’t like you.” Way to go MC. You may be good at taking the lead at bat mitzvahs, but you suck at taking the lead on drama. Kalon’s response only makes me start to like him more – “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, BRA.” True statement.

For the next one-on-one date, Emily picks up Joe. She looks hawt in a cute dress, and Joe looks uhhh… Van Der Chic. Their date is not even worth discussing because, needless to say, the conversation is lacking and Joe is sent a-packing.

Back at the mansion, Kalon, who has just presumably farted in the hot tub, makes a quip about Doug taking “time off” from being a Dad. Doug then proceeds to go all TSA on Kalon’s a$$ saying “CHECK IT” over and over again. I wish Doug would stop playing the Single Dad Card and focus on a.) learning how to argue/stick up for himself and b.) talking to Emily about things other than being a Single Dad. Until that point, he remains out of my top 5.

Fast forward to the Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Arie and Emily clearly have chemistry. She acts very differently around Jef and Arie – they both make Emily very nervous and you can tell she’s getting those butterflies!

Ryan pulls Emily aside to have some time alone. THE NERVE! HE ALREADY HAS A ROSE! Who am I kidding? I cannot make fun of this. When Blakeley did this in Sonoma, I legit wanted to rip her head off. The 7-page love letter (which really equated to 15 pages because you needed a microscope for his handwriting to be legible) was a nice gesture but I found myself screaming TOO SOON, TOOOOO SOOOON! Not my style, but hey, it worked for Ryan and it most certainly worked for Courtney!

Tony spent the whole night creepin’ and waiting for time with Emily. I cannot say anything about Tony at this point other than the fact that he is the doppelganger of my co-worker Rob (DJ Fazz).

As the night comes to a close, Emily gets rid of Aaron the hot bio teacher and some other dude that is a mute and looks JUST like Aaron. I really cannot wrap my head around why Aaron got the boot over half the guys still standing. I would do anything to be one of his students.

Top 5 in order of ranks FOR EMILY (not me):
5) Ryan
4) Chris
3) Charlie
2) Arie
1) Jef

Til’ next week!

Jaclyn

13 Comments »

  1. You may want to correct your blog, I think it was Joe and not Charlie that had the 1 on 1

    Comment by lynn — May 24, 2012 @ 10:34 am

  2. I think you mean Joe instead of Charlie when discussing the one-on-one at the Greenbrier…

    Comment by MD — May 24, 2012 @ 10:40 am

  3. FIXED! thanks guys :)

    Comment by Jaclyn — May 24, 2012 @ 10:46 am

  4. HAHAHAHA! Jaclyn, you are a great, funny writer! Loving the TSA line (“CHECK IT”)! I will look forward to your posts each week. I read so many recaps so it’s awesome to find one written with a different perspective and loaded with humor. Yay!

    Comment by Penny Farthing — May 24, 2012 @ 10:48 am

  5. BTW – we (my co-blogger and I) absolutely loved you on Ben’s season. It seemed like you were there to have a good time, make some friends and have an awesome adventure. Laid back and fun. :)

    Comment by Penny Farthing — May 24, 2012 @ 10:49 am

  6. What a refreshing read. You say it like you see it, and are not in love with Emily (cough! Dave Good cough!)so you don’t mind being honest.

    I don’t like it when people say mean things, but the other bloggers on this site are getting soft. Natalie is even losing her edge!

    I believe Emily is probably a sweet person, but just because she is a single mother doesn’t mean she should be treated with kit gloves. The show was not at all interesting or captivating. I hope it gets better, but as of now, I can understand why the ratings are down.

    I don’t need lots of making out and drama, but a little emotion from someone would have been nice.

    Comment by Louise — May 24, 2012 @ 10:53 am

  7. i think you need to work on being more original. The “Van Der Chic” comment sounds like something the lovely Ashley Spivey would say. It seemed kinda a random blurb in your blog where Ash had mentioned it since Night 1, whether it be twitter or whatnot. I felt my brain cells slowly dying while reading this. Sorry!

    Comment by Susan — May 24, 2012 @ 2:26 pm

  8. You’re f’ing hysterical. The ‘BRA’ comment made me LOL.

    Comment by Jen — May 24, 2012 @ 6:31 pm

  9. Your blog made me pee a little. :)

    Comment by Ashley — May 24, 2012 @ 6:58 pm

  10. Glad to see that someone else had the same thought (SNL clip) that I did when they showed the guys lounging by the pool! You really told it like it is for this week’s recap…I liked it better than last week’s, or maybe it’s just because I agreed with you so much!
    I was surprised that Emily kept Ryan…I saw no chemistry, the conversation seemed very forced (“this is great”…”I’m glad you’re here”), and all of his reactions to what she had him do (help with the groceries, wear the apron, making cookies, etc.) seemed very self-conscious and not-so-hiddenly begrudgingly done. I could not at all see him fitting in to her real life…it’s like he was doing the things because he had to, so he could hopefully move on to a better activity. But in the real mommy world, there often isn’t a next better activity! I think he made it through, and Joe was cut, simply because Ryan is hot, and she is hoping like heck that some more spark/personality develops. For me, the 15-page letter would have been a dealbreaker…too soon, too creepy, too formula/contrived (or alternatively, waaayyy too overboard, and at such an early stage in the relationshp, so what sort of overboard depths will he go to as their relationshp progresses?).

    Comment by Jennifer — May 25, 2012 @ 7:48 am

  11. Now, I want to see you face to face/onscreen with either Aaron or Charlie! :) Happy friday cutie

    Comment by Ha — May 25, 2012 @ 8:42 am

  12. MY GOD, you’re hilarious! How did I miss this on your season, they certainly never brought that out enough. I mean we got snippets, but we certainly needed more camera time with you. I will definitely be following your blog this season.

    Comment by MamaBear — May 25, 2012 @ 11:39 am

  13. Base your blog is super hilar. ser. Xx

    Comment by love it — June 1, 2012 @ 9:55 am

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