Jaclyn’s Bachelorette Blog: Episode 1

Episode 1: Shrimps in Charlotte

Wanna get drunk? Re-watch this episode and drink every time someone says the words: Ricki, Single Mom, Golly, Stunning. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THESE DUDES/shrimps A THESAURUS!

I am so excited to have something to do on Monday nights again! We are all rooting for the breathtakingly beautiful Emily – who I think we will soon learn is a sassafras, and I LOVE it!

Chris Harrison re-introduces us to Emily Maynard, yata yata yata yata…Emily shows us in her element at home with her daughter, yata yata yata, then peers over a lake to ponder. This is a favorite bachelor/bachelorette scene. Girls peer over water, Guys lean over balconies and cry.

We start with some of the guys.

Kalon – thank you so much for joining us this season! You will give everyone some great material. Let’s begin with the 2 most obvious observations. 1) Those hipster glasses definitely have no prescription in them. 2) He must order his salads with the “dressing on the side” (aka DOTS from now on) and is in desperate need of a cheeseburger.

Ryan – You had me at accent. You are super hot. You will go far. I secretly hope Ryan doesn’t win so that he’s still on the market. Get in line ladies.

Tony – Who has two thumbs and should stick them up his a**? <— THIS GUY. He should be in time out for that comment.

Lerone – Any single guy with a dog that can fit into a purse is a goner. Dunzo.

David – WAY cuter on TV than in his picture. David, if you ever want to talk about the complex you developed from your ABC Bachelor Composite, I can help you out. Seriously. I really can. But man, I would rather listen to an original ballad by Kasey Kahl than listen to another 20 seconds of this song.

In comes, Ricki…I mean Ellen DeGeneres…I mean Jef on a skateboard. He actually seems like a smooth guy who I find attractive. If that makes me a lesbian because he literally IS DeGeneres, so be it. Monica deserves a break from that role anyway.
Now we have arrived at the mansion on night 1. This night is the most bizarre, uncomfortable, out of body experience. You meet the others who are in your limo about 10 seconds before you are told to get in the car. It’s all so overwhelming; I seriously cannot imagine how Emily or any other Bachelor/Bachelorette must feel on this night! AHH! I just had a mild black out/panic attack.

Emily and Chris Harrison chat about the fact that Emily “WANTS BABIES!!”…well she’s about to get approximately 25 of them and she doesn’t even know it yet. I am not sure how tall Emily is, but judging by the height of 75% of these shrimps, they are still in the Freudian Phallic stage.

And here we are at the grand entrances! For some reason I find it so much harder to watch the guys do their gimmicks, than the girls. The girls can pull it off in a “cute” way, but the guys…it just gives me the cringies.

Much to my surprise, most of these guys do normal entrances. I respect that, and it also is easier for us judges to get a better idea of what they look like and their personalities. 

The ones that stood out in a BAD, BAD way:

Jackson – Get off your needs, beb. You stink of desperation.

Joe – Someone played a really mean joke on Joe. They switched his Xanax with Adderall. How about THAT ride in? If he was in my limo I would have taken my champagne glass and knocked him unconscious to shut him up. WAY too over the top. NEXT.

Tony – It is at this time I request a sniper shoots “Prince Charming” between the eyes.

Travis – At first I got SO EXCITED because egg babies were my favorite lesson in Home Ec. EGG BABY DADDY!! Then he said it represented the precious…I don’t even know, he lost me.

A brunette touching their hair…is that…Courtney?? No…it’s Michael. (Season 16 rip off!)

That group of Spanish dudes whose last names ends in “O” – Please exit stage left. Unless you are Roberto, you are not needed here.

Dots – Leave it to Dots to come in on a helicopter. Like Lindzi named her Horse “First Impression Rose,” I have taken it upon myself to name Dots’ Helicopter “Impotency Problem.” It’s like a guy who takes you to Phillipe Chow on your first date. What the hell are you over-compensating for?? Red Flag. (season 16 rip off)

And coming in with the WORST ENTRANCE in history – Is Randy, the cross-dressing grandma who I’m SURE has mommy issues. (Season 16 rip off!)

Ones that stood out in a GOOD way as my Top 5 so far: Charlie, Jef, Chris, Ryan, Arie.

The rose ceremony went as predicted. I was sad to see Nadya Suleman go. ‘Til Next Week!

Jaclyn

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