Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 1

Bachelor Nashe! And….we’re back! Please bear with me as I have a minor panic attack that our season is in the rear view mirror…and here’s to hoping this season has a pair of lesbians, more bathroom meltdowns, and a revelation that someone was secretly once a stripper. Maybe those were just Ben’s personal requests. To each their own.

We open up the season with an intro to golden boy Sean. This is very necessary because no one who watches the Bachelorette watches this show, and therefore no one has any idea who Sean is.

I actually missed the core of Emily’s season, because I was off doing naughty things on Bachelor Pad. Sorry Mom and Dad. So…the only impressions of Sean I got were when he was still a dark horse and hadn’t become one of the breakout faves on Emily’s season. It’s nice to see that he’s a family man, yawn, lives a great life in Dallas, yawn, and has a great pack o’ abs, SCHA-WING!

Now it’s time for some “bro talk” with Arie over 3 sips of beer in fine china. Pinkies up boys. This was by far my fave part of the episode because we got to see a lighter and funnier side of Sean. I am not going to lie, I had an ulcer over deciding who I wanted to see more as the Bachelor: Sean or Arie. They proceed to practice how to say, “Will you accept this rose?” which seems like it is WAY more fun than practicing “absolutely” or how to look pretty when you cry. I failed on both of those fronts. Practice goes to sh*t when you go on a show like The Bachelor. No way to prepare. NO. WAY.

Moving along. Arie teaches his face porn ways to Sean. I could not get enough of this. Every time Arie kissed Emily I felt like a Peeping Tom, but this was genius. Sean’s kiss with Emily in Curacao when he couldn’t quite reach her ass and awkwardly placed his fingertips on her thigh made me go EEK. So, I hope he took some notes from his “former enemy” Arie. Next they practice some break up lines and laugh about it…suddenly I want to punch them in the face. Just kidding. Kinda. Not really.

We have finally arrived at the mansion. I am trying really hard to focus but I just keep wondering if Sean would date a jewish girl (me) and it’s throwing off my equilibrium. The ladies are ready to walk down the cobblestoned and wet driveway (again, no way to prepare for this ish) and the meet and greets begin. With the exception of a couple screw-ups, the girls were fairly calm. Unlike our season, where Lindzi’s horse made brown on the driveway, Jenna completely messed up a Ben quote, sashes, hats, raps, whatevs.

Tierra receives a rose before she enters the house! That B*tch! Now she gets to relax and drink and chill out all night?!? Maybe eat some fettuccine alfredo? Take a tour of the mansion? The world (confined bubble) is her oyster.

Here are the entrances that stood out to me, and that doesn’t necessarily mean in a good way:

Robyn: a failed attempt at a double back walkover. Who cares about the fall! She managed to maneuver in a dress without showing her hooha, Hero in my book.

Ashley P: Her hometown package foreshadowed her creepiness. I thought the tie emerging from her cleavage was a nice touch.

Lesley: Her football gimmick was adorbs. Smart, cute, charming, likes sports…a boys wet dream. She also has crazy self-control.

Kristy: I am scared she’s going to eat my head off and then beat me up.

AshLee: Her hometown package got me emosh, and I think she’s perts.

Jackie: Props to you for putting on red lipstick, while nervous, with no mirrors…and not looking like Steve Buscemi in Happy Gilmore. Love her look.

Selma: Soft spoken bombshell. Didn’t know those existed until tonight?! Loff her.

Kelly: I. CAN’T. EVEN. Her extensions were like crunchied and you could see the fake hair versus the real hair, her tan was way too fake, and the singing was SO transparent. Like come on, Wes Hayden? The dress didn’t help; it was as if she took a cab over to the mansion from the sunset strip, where she was doubling as an Elvis impersonator and didn’t have time to change.

Lindsay: I LOVED her entrance. Yes, the dress was gnarly. But…this showed more about her personality than anything else. She doesn’t take herself too seriously and that is exactly how I am. I wanted to wear a beard the first night, for heaven’s sake. Don’t ask.

Kacie: B*tch! Not only did she not tell me she was going back on the Bachelor, but she also wore the same dress as I did on the BachPad finale. Oh helllllllllllllllllllll no. In all seriousness, doing the Bachelor twice is close to impossible. I’m so proud of her for taking such a huge risk.

We go through the motions of Sean meeting the girls, and things get cray. Roses are flying like hot cakes. Girls faces are going from happy and excited to pissed off or nervous. My girl Paige was pissed. I saw it all over her face. Loved it.

Kacie’s time with Sean was perfect. We all met this summer and her and Sean were strictly friends. She really wanted to explore if there could be more with Sean and he seemed really open to the idea. I loved how some of the girls acted like they don’t know who Kacie was. PAH-LEASE. Unless you are Elyse and phrasing it like “WHO ISSSSSSSSSSSS SHE,” I do NOT have time for it.

Paige finally gets to talk to Sean on the deck by the pool. I honestly didn’t listen to a word they said. I was thinking about so many more important things. 1) I can’t believe that they are sitting on my favorite nap spot. 2) THE POOL IS BLUE? I swear that thing was green on pad. 3) I wonder how many cleaning ladies it took to sterilize the place after pad? 4) I want to go back :(

Ashley P. comes up to interrupt and starts grindin’ like a horny 7th grader at a bar mitzvah. LOVE IT! No seriously, I LOVE ASHLEY P. I want to hang out with her, like yesterday. If any of you know me at all or watched me on TV, then you should have guessed I would feel this way. We all have a little night one mishap. I had some serious drunk voice night 1 on Bachelor Pad. Ed was half naked in the pool with Donna. Ashley Spivey agrees. We are a fun crowd. Come hang.

Lindsay’s one on one time gets a little bit awks, but its clearly because it’s been a long night and she threw some back. I love her attitude, I love her confidence. Then she says “I’m a good girl, I swear” — translation — “I have a widest *******.” Now I love her more.

Taryn cries because she never fights for guys and is used to getting approached. We had this SAME convo our first night. It is SUCH an eye roller. You’re on the Bachelor, 26 girls going for 1 guy….SURPRISE! You have to play ball. Ugh. Can’t stand that complaint. Wah. Pull him into the bathroom and pull out all the stops. DO SOMETHING!

Sarah’s interview about being unsure if she’s deserving was the realest thing I saw all night (even though that was not too hard to do). In the off chance Sean didn’t feel initial chemistry, I am so glad she sticks around. Tough ass broad with a damn good story.

The rose ceremony goes down. Ashley H should have been nexted immediately for that blue dress. I also think she wore some sort of weird zebra getup in her ABC picture? That being said, I am glad I won’t have to look at her outfits anymore.

I could cry that Ashley P. went home. I mean, I knew it was coming, but I wish she had more time to get drunk and take the embarassment to the next level. Did you see the blooper reel? It was gold. She deserves a free trip to Women Tell All.

Paige is dunzo. Again. Try Wipeout.

Side note: The clip of Tierra throwing the plate on the counter saying “Who made this?! It tastes like sh*t!” was literally what I said once a day on Bachelor Pad. I am pretty sure I’d have no friends if I lived in this house.

There are two types of people who watch this show. One for the drama, the other for the love story. I am the prior. I cannot wait for next week’s episode!

 

My Fave Dresses:

1) Diana

2) Amanda

3) Lesley

4) Kacie (obvs)

 

Top 5 faves as of night 1:

1) Lindsay

2) Selma

3) Lesley

4) Des

5) Tierra

6) The ghost of Ashley P.

 

Peace

49 Comments »

  1. That kristy girl is annoying. And not for the reasons she wishes– frankly, she is not pretty enough to model, and looks like she escaped her stable.
    So many other pretty girls, though!

    Comment by Lmao — January 8, 2013 @ 11:17 am

  2. LOL It is so very much fun to read these!Pals and I watch the show for the drama(read idiocy) and it is a blast!
    Love reading these blogs from those who were there. It’s like a bizarre anthropological report :)

    Comment by Maturesillyinyellectual — January 8, 2013 @ 11:43 am

  3. Gosh, I’ve missed the sass! I miss seeing you on Tv, but I guess weekly blogs will have to do. Keep doing you Jacyln!

    Comment by Sara Moy — January 8, 2013 @ 12:02 pm

  4. haha so glad i read this – jacklyn you’re hysterical!

    Comment by Samantha — January 8, 2013 @ 12:04 pm

  5. Great blog! And i also watch for drama it’ s the best.

    Comment by Jessica — January 8, 2013 @ 12:10 pm

  6. I love love LOVE your bachelor/bachelorette blog. Great sense of humour and pure honesty! I have to make one correction though. Steve Buscemi put the lipstick on in Billy Madison, not Happy Gilmore. ;) I know my Adam Sandler movies like the back of my hand!

    Looking forward to reading your upcoming blogs (along with Ashley Spivey’s as well)! Hilariousness.

    Comment by Sonya — January 8, 2013 @ 12:20 pm

  7. you are soooooo right sonya! BILLY MADISON is what i meant :) thanks!

    love the feedback already! thanks people!

    Comment by Jaclyn — January 8, 2013 @ 12:21 pm

  8. OMG, Jaclyn. I love your commentary! I couldn’t agree more with everything you said.
    I wish there were endless bachelor moment bloopers. I live for that kind of thing. Looking forward to more peanut gallery!

    Comment by AshleyNWiley — January 8, 2013 @ 12:31 pm

  9. I am dying. DYING over here. I wanted to write up all my thoughts about Bachelor and post it, but now I defer to you.

    Comment by Deidre — January 8, 2013 @ 12:31 pm

  10. Hilarious Jaclyn!! So glad you are doing this season’s recap… can’t wait til next week! and @ lmao – “escaped her stable”.. bwahaha

    Comment by Keri — January 8, 2013 @ 12:49 pm

  11. Just glorious. That is the only word for this.
    When I saw “Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog” I peed a little.
    I knew I would love it and I did.
    You are hilarious and I want to be your friend.
    Thanks! Keep these coming!

    Comment by Katherine — January 8, 2013 @ 12:50 pm

  12. Jaclyn, I am so surprised you haven’t mentioned Desiree (Des) She seemed so ‘comfortable in her own skin’ and non-pretentious. Now, would she not be a perfect match for Sean?? She is a Katie Holmes look-a-like and that’s another plus.
    Good fun blog J !

    Comment by Steffi — January 8, 2013 @ 12:58 pm

  13. your blog is spot on!!!I actually said to my girlfriend some of the same comments as similar as yours.100% agree on everything ;) cheers beautiful!
    p.s.and thank you for not balling out on sean’s abs like EVERYONE else!we know already people–he is a stud now move on to the drama part of the show!!!

    Comment by ana — January 8, 2013 @ 1:20 pm

  14. Kacie came off as desperate. She shouldn’t have come back on.

    I had to fast forward through much of this show. I don’t think I can bear to slog through another season of this. I love Sean but last night was boring…Seen it all before.

    Comment by boo — January 8, 2013 @ 1:28 pm

  15. don’t quit your day job. Pitiful.

    Comment by sal — January 8, 2013 @ 1:30 pm

  16. Great episode!!!!Hilarias Blogg!! I think Spivey is going to have some competition this season blogging!!

    I watch for love. Kacie, you looked gorgeous! I like the second time around. Hope she lasts til the end. Loved the wedding dress idea. Great way to start off a Bachelor romance. She get’s an A for charming!!! Can’t wait to read your blog next week!!!!!!!

    Comment by DiDi — January 8, 2013 @ 1:30 pm

  17. Loved the convo with Sean and Arie. Hope Emily gives him a chance again. He’s so cute and fun. Wake up Emily!!!!

    Comment by Lauren — January 8, 2013 @ 1:35 pm

  18. Team Arie and Emily!!!

    Comment by Lauren — January 8, 2013 @ 1:36 pm

  19. Also, did it seem as though Kacie was wearing colored contacts? Anyone else notice this? They were sort of an unnatural blue color…maybe they have always been this way and I just hadn’t notcied. She did look great though.

    Comment by Katherine — January 8, 2013 @ 1:42 pm

  20. Has there every been a bachelor or bachelorette from the mid east. So many southerners.

    Comment by Just sayin — January 8, 2013 @ 1:54 pm

  21. jaclyn, can we be best friends?? i love your perspective on the show, plus i’m totes digging the abbrevs!

    Comment by Nicole — January 8, 2013 @ 2:06 pm

  22. I’ve always been a fan of yours, Jaclyn! A fellow chosen one with impeccable style? What’s not to love about you?! I concur with pretty much everything you’ve said. LOVED fifty shades girl, pretty upset she’s gone (she needs to go on bachelor pad)! Here’s an idea: I want you, Courtney, anf fifty shades to go on as the stars of the bachelorette. That’s what I would call great t.v. Anyway, all the girls were gorge—is it me, or did that girl lacey look a LOT like Emily? Wonder if that was a factor in her elemination. Stay gorgeous and funny! Xxx

    Comment by Bex — January 8, 2013 @ 2:13 pm

  23. I enjoyed this blog. I am a huge sucker for authentic romance. The girls who seem so genuine are always my favorite. I usually have my one girl picked after the first night but not this season. I am a huge fan and my husband can’t get my eyes off the tv when any bachelor/bachelorette/bachelor pad rolls around. Wish he would watch it with me ;-)

    Comment by Megan-Elise — January 8, 2013 @ 2:22 pm

  24. Fabulous blog – welcome and you look like you are going to be a very popluar writer on here. Congrats!!

    Comment by Melinda — January 8, 2013 @ 4:12 pm

  25. The Dresses were soooo BAD last night. UGhhh looked like a bunch of girls at Prom. Liked your blog a lot! Selma & Tierra were my favorite, beautiful, natural brunette’s with banging bodies. Kacie was my least favorite. Why is she still trying to get a guy through the bachelor, when it’s obvious if Sean liked her when they hung out before he would of tried to date her? Seems like she is just trying to milk her reality tv fame for 5 more minutes. I also thought that black dress looked WAAAAY better on you Jaclyn than Kacie! Her boobs and body just were not made for that dress, too small. She seriously needs to eat a sandwich, my husband said the same thing. A girl starts looking very unattractive when she makes her self get that skinny. I know Kacie had an eating disorder, but it honestly looks like she starve’s her self to death:(

    Comment by Traci — January 8, 2013 @ 5:12 pm

  26. Always so much drama at the cocktail parties! If you love watching the Bachelor like we do, and want real relationship advice based on the show, you guys should check out my site http://www.bachelortherapy.wordpress.com. I’m a licensed psychiatrist who loves watching the show with my wife and daughters and decided that it’s a great relational teaching tool!

    Comment by Dr. Karl Benzio — January 8, 2013 @ 6:22 pm

  27. What was with Ashley H’s accent … slash … twang? I meannnnnn. I actually can’t. Too much. TOO MUCH.

    And also, why did Paige look so angry from the get-go? Love her but why was she pissed at the world? Her dress was cute though!

    Ashley P’s dance moves were amazing. Sean is cray to not have kept her around, even if only for entertainment value.

    Kelly’s intro made me PHYSICALLY uncomfortable. That … song? Can’t. I couldn’t watch. OH and that girl that did the handshake. THAT was not fun to watch.

    Excited to continue reading your blogs Jaclyn. And following you on Instagram. And Twitter. I mean … #restrainingorder

    Comment by Kandace — January 8, 2013 @ 7:24 pm

  28. Jacklyn, I like that you gave your opinions in a humorous way, I don’t like blogs that just summarize what we watched. Can’t wait to read your blog next week!!!!!

    Comment by Shawna — January 8, 2013 @ 8:20 pm

  29. You all are making me laugh with your comments! Keep it up. Glad (almost all of) you enjoyed the blog!!! I aim to share my opinions. I don’t aim to please! More importantly I LOVE that we have some people/winners who get me. :)

    Comment by Jaclyn — January 8, 2013 @ 8:30 pm

  30. LOVE your blog Jaclyn! Not gonna lie, didn’t love you on Ben’s season (as if it matters), but you became my favorite on Bachelor Pad. You are hilarious and so fun! Love your writing style and your humor. I also noticed that Paige was so pissed during the cocktail party – what was up with that?! Can’t wait for the drama. :-)

    Comment by Beth — January 9, 2013 @ 8:26 am

  31. Great commentary Jaclyn. You have a strong personality and while I didn’t want you to win on Ben’s season, I enjoyed how you played the game with class. (I was disappointed in how you played Bachelor Pad though, because Ed is just gross!) That said, I look forward to what you have to say this season because I agree that Sean is very bland, but he has a nice body. One episode of 50 Shades of Cray was enough for me!

    Comment by Jean — January 9, 2013 @ 9:23 am

  32. Loving the blog so far but sorry, had to stop to say that the Steve Buscemi lipstick thing is Billy Madison!!!!!! But umm, props to you for your over confidence?

    Comment by Emily W — January 9, 2013 @ 10:37 am

  33. Baaahahahaa! New fave blog. Instead of studying for med school I will now be reading this on a regular basis. I’m glad you have absolutely NO filter in your comments – amazing. Thank you for putting into words what we ALL are thinking. Keep up the criticism!

    Comment by Lauren A — January 9, 2013 @ 12:32 pm

  34. Like a horny 7th grader at a bar mitzvah? Haha! OMG-Strings, that’s hilarious! Ashley P, bless her heart, is crazy as all-get-out, but I’m sad Sean let her go so soon. I was looking forward to at least three more episodes of high-octane entertainment. Can’t wait til next week! Great job, Jaclyn!! :)

    Comment by Piper Faust — January 9, 2013 @ 5:26 pm

  35. Hilarious !!! This and Natalia’s blog are the best! Love them both! Very entertaining to read, Im glad Jacklyn is blogging she is so witty!

    Comment by Cy — January 9, 2013 @ 10:13 pm

  36. Jacklyn, I also wanted to ask you. I watched all seasons since Matts..And I noticed Kacie B this season looked very very skinny, like she lost 20lbs since Bens season. I even went back to watch the show online, and cut a few pics from the show and compared… she IS much thinner, seems maybe she has again went to the ( eating disorder) And I must say seems she has bigger issues to worry about then finding a man. Please call her and help her as a friend! I think she is a wonderful young lady, and I hope she hasn’t gone anorexic again. But look at her arms and legs, and compare to when she was on Bens season!! She looks much much thinner..and doesn’t look as good.

    Comment by Cy — January 9, 2013 @ 10:25 pm

  37. Great blog. I didn’t like Kacie’s dress. I thought her shoes were cute, loved the black and pink, but she seemed uncomfortable in it. But I don’t like that dress at all anyway. I loved Dianna’s dress.

    Comment by lc — January 10, 2013 @ 2:20 am

  38. I missed the show but wanted to see it hope it is available online.

    Comment by Cheap Holiday Dresses — January 10, 2013 @ 8:05 am

  39. Love your comments. Awesome! Best female blogger EVER!

    Comment by Melinda — January 11, 2013 @ 3:38 pm

  40. Thank GOD someone other than me noticed Kelly’s horrendous extensions! I’ve been reading other recaps and not ONE other person has mentioned it. It was like…massive quantities of fake hair that looked NOTHING like her real hair. I hope to hell she watches this back and realizes how horrible they look and never puts that crap in her hair again! And her orange skin…oompa loompa city.
    I’m surprised Lindsey lasts as long as she does based on the first night, which seemed disastrous.
    And I’m with you that I almost wanted the 50 Shades of Drunk girl to make it past the first night. She was insane. I hope she finally realizes why she doesn’t have a boyfriend in real life, now that she’s seen the horror show of her appearance on tv.
    Funny blog, Jaclyn!

    Comment by Inara — January 11, 2013 @ 4:47 pm

  41. JACLYN WHERE DID YOU AND KACIE GET THAT DRESS?! I saw it last season on you and died. I NEED IT! You looked beautiful though and definitely filled it out ;) And you’re blog is hilarious! You and Ashley Spivey have some real talent… funny shit! I’m excited to read your stuff for the rest of the season!! But seriously…about the dress….???! :D

    Comment by Ariel — January 14, 2013 @ 5:34 am

  42. Why thank you! The dress is Brian Lichtenberg! :)

    Comment by Jaclyn — January 14, 2013 @ 11:29 am

  43. Your recap was hilarious and I had to share it with my friends. Ashley P seemed so crazy but when I look back at Bachelor Pad, not so much. My DISH co-worker told me that she would go home when we saw the clips for the premiere but I was sure there were other crazies. Of course I was right and that will just keep me watching all season long. I’m the only one in my house that watches the show so I get lots of complaints each season but thanks to the DISH Hopper I can watch my show while everyone gets to watch theirs. The Hopper lets us watch four different shows in HD at the same time which means there’s no more arguing about who gets to watch what.

    Comment by Chimera — January 15, 2013 @ 7:05 am

  44. Love it! You’re funny.

    Comment by Susan — January 19, 2013 @ 3:05 pm

  45. I can’t handle tierra attiduve

    Comment by Rae — March 4, 2013 @ 8:34 pm

  46. Ashley is so nice and sweet

    Comment by Rae — March 4, 2013 @ 8:36 pm

  47. Tierra just wants attention every second in her live !!!!!!!!!

    Comment by Rae — March 4, 2013 @ 8:42 pm

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