Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 1
Bachelor Nashe! And….we’re back! Please bear with me as I have a minor panic attack that our season is in the rear view mirror…and here’s to hoping this season has a pair of lesbians, more bathroom meltdowns, and a revelation that someone was secretly once a stripper. Maybe those were just Ben’s personal requests. To each their own.
We open up the season with an intro to golden boy Sean. This is very necessary because no one who watches the Bachelorette watches this show, and therefore no one has any idea who Sean is.
I actually missed the core of Emily’s season, because I was off doing naughty things on Bachelor Pad. Sorry Mom and Dad. So…the only impressions of Sean I got were when he was still a dark horse and hadn’t become one of the breakout faves on Emily’s season. It’s nice to see that he’s a family man, yawn, lives a great life in Dallas, yawn, and has a great pack o’ abs, SCHA-WING!
Now it’s time for some “bro talk” with Arie over 3 sips of beer in fine china. Pinkies up boys. This was by far my fave part of the episode because we got to see a lighter and funnier side of Sean. I am not going to lie, I had an ulcer over deciding who I wanted to see more as the Bachelor: Sean or Arie. They proceed to practice how to say, “Will you accept this rose?” which seems like it is WAY more fun than practicing “absolutely” or how to look pretty when you cry. I failed on both of those fronts. Practice goes to sh*t when you go on a show like The Bachelor. No way to prepare. NO. WAY.
Moving along. Arie teaches his face porn ways to Sean. I could not get enough of this. Every time Arie kissed Emily I felt like a Peeping Tom, but this was genius. Sean’s kiss with Emily in Curacao when he couldn’t quite reach her ass and awkwardly placed his fingertips on her thigh made me go EEK. So, I hope he took some notes from his “former enemy” Arie. Next they practice some break up lines and laugh about it…suddenly I want to punch them in the face. Just kidding. Kinda. Not really.
We have finally arrived at the mansion. I am trying really hard to focus but I just keep wondering if Sean would date a jewish girl (me) and it’s throwing off my equilibrium. The ladies are ready to walk down the cobblestoned and wet driveway (again, no way to prepare for this ish) and the meet and greets begin. With the exception of a couple screw-ups, the girls were fairly calm. Unlike our season, where Lindzi’s horse made brown on the driveway, Jenna completely messed up a Ben quote, sashes, hats, raps, whatevs.
Tierra receives a rose before she enters the house! That B*tch! Now she gets to relax and drink and chill out all night?!? Maybe eat some fettuccine alfredo? Take a tour of the mansion? The world (confined bubble) is her oyster.
Here are the entrances that stood out to me, and that doesn’t necessarily mean in a good way:
Robyn: a failed attempt at a double back walkover. Who cares about the fall! She managed to maneuver in a dress without showing her hooha, Hero in my book.
Ashley P: Her hometown package foreshadowed her creepiness. I thought the tie emerging from her cleavage was a nice touch.
Lesley: Her football gimmick was adorbs. Smart, cute, charming, likes sports…a boys wet dream. She also has crazy self-control.
Kristy: I am scared she’s going to eat my head off and then beat me up.
AshLee: Her hometown package got me emosh, and I think she’s perts.
Jackie: Props to you for putting on red lipstick, while nervous, with no mirrors…and not looking like Steve Buscemi in Happy Gilmore. Love her look.
Selma: Soft spoken bombshell. Didn’t know those existed until tonight?! Loff her.
Kelly: I. CAN’T. EVEN. Her extensions were like crunchied and you could see the fake hair versus the real hair, her tan was way too fake, and the singing was SO transparent. Like come on, Wes Hayden? The dress didn’t help; it was as if she took a cab over to the mansion from the sunset strip, where she was doubling as an Elvis impersonator and didn’t have time to change.
Lindsay: I LOVED her entrance. Yes, the dress was gnarly. But…this showed more about her personality than anything else. She doesn’t take herself too seriously and that is exactly how I am. I wanted to wear a beard the first night, for heaven’s sake. Don’t ask.
Kacie: B*tch! Not only did she not tell me she was going back on the Bachelor, but she also wore the same dress as I did on the BachPad finale. Oh helllllllllllllllllllll no. In all seriousness, doing the Bachelor twice is close to impossible. I’m so proud of her for taking such a huge risk.
We go through the motions of Sean meeting the girls, and things get cray. Roses are flying like hot cakes. Girls faces are going from happy and excited to pissed off or nervous. My girl Paige was pissed. I saw it all over her face. Loved it.
Kacie’s time with Sean was perfect. We all met this summer and her and Sean were strictly friends. She really wanted to explore if there could be more with Sean and he seemed really open to the idea. I loved how some of the girls acted like they don’t know who Kacie was. PAH-LEASE. Unless you are Elyse and phrasing it like “WHO ISSSSSSSSSSSS SHE,” I do NOT have time for it.
Paige finally gets to talk to Sean on the deck by the pool. I honestly didn’t listen to a word they said. I was thinking about so many more important things. 1) I can’t believe that they are sitting on my favorite nap spot. 2) THE POOL IS BLUE? I swear that thing was green on pad. 3) I wonder how many cleaning ladies it took to sterilize the place after pad? 4) I want to go back
Ashley P. comes up to interrupt and starts grindin’ like a horny 7th grader at a bar mitzvah. LOVE IT! No seriously, I LOVE ASHLEY P. I want to hang out with her, like yesterday. If any of you know me at all or watched me on TV, then you should have guessed I would feel this way. We all have a little night one mishap. I had some serious drunk voice night 1 on Bachelor Pad. Ed was half naked in the pool with Donna. Ashley Spivey agrees. We are a fun crowd. Come hang.
Lindsay’s one on one time gets a little bit awks, but its clearly because it’s been a long night and she threw some back. I love her attitude, I love her confidence. Then she says “I’m a good girl, I swear” — translation — “I have a widest *******.” Now I love her more.
Taryn cries because she never fights for guys and is used to getting approached. We had this SAME convo our first night. It is SUCH an eye roller. You’re on the Bachelor, 26 girls going for 1 guy….SURPRISE! You have to play ball. Ugh. Can’t stand that complaint. Wah. Pull him into the bathroom and pull out all the stops. DO SOMETHING!
Sarah’s interview about being unsure if she’s deserving was the realest thing I saw all night (even though that was not too hard to do). In the off chance Sean didn’t feel initial chemistry, I am so glad she sticks around. Tough ass broad with a damn good story.
The rose ceremony goes down. Ashley H should have been nexted immediately for that blue dress. I also think she wore some sort of weird zebra getup in her ABC picture? That being said, I am glad I won’t have to look at her outfits anymore.
I could cry that Ashley P. went home. I mean, I knew it was coming, but I wish she had more time to get drunk and take the embarassment to the next level. Did you see the blooper reel? It was gold. She deserves a free trip to Women Tell All.
Paige is dunzo. Again. Try Wipeout.
Side note: The clip of Tierra throwing the plate on the counter saying “Who made this?! It tastes like sh*t!” was literally what I said once a day on Bachelor Pad. I am pretty sure I’d have no friends if I lived in this house.
There are two types of people who watch this show. One for the drama, the other for the love story. I am the prior. I cannot wait for next week’s episode!
My Fave Dresses:
4) Kacie (obvs)
Top 5 faves as of night 1:
6) The ghost of Ashley P.