Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 2

Week 2 – The Week of Nothing.

Wow. I don’t get mushy often, so consider this a serious milestone, but the reactions to my blog last week were wild. I loved all of the support, commentary, and reading all of your opinions as well. An opinion is an opinion; therefore everyone is entitled to have one. I appreciate the ones that differ from mine, but let’s be honest, I like you more if you agree with me. 

Just one quick shout out to a certain someone who gave me great life advice calling my blog “pitiful” and advising me not to “quit my day job.” I just want to say thank you SO much for taking my life out of the gutter! I totally was under the impression that writing one blog a week on a reality show was a sufficient way to make a living in NYC! Phewwwww, you really saved me there.

Also, some of you asked about the dress that Kacie and I wore on Bachelor Pad finale and last week’s Episode 1. It is the Brian Lichtenberg Scuba dress and it comes in those two colors; the hot pink I wore it in, and the black Kacie wore it in. It’s a really hot dress. I suggest you all buy it.

This brings us to week two of the Bachelor! Where everyone starts off as besties for life, to only have sh*t hit the fan 5 minutes later.

We start the episode out with Sean in the weight room (cue Tommy Boy reference), and I’m thinking…I’M SERIOUSLY OVER THE ABS. I am. I’ve said it. Look, he’s got em…just like I’ve got boobs. His abs can’t carry a show, and neither can my…well, actually yes they can. But in all seriousness, I am hoping we pick up some steam in episode 2. I thought episode 2 of our season last year, was the BEST comedic performance on many levels. If you don’t remember, go search and re-watch. You’re welcome. 

A casual Chris Harrison (like, could you DIE?) walks into the mansion with the first 1 on 1 date card. It is for Sarah and the girls all go “oooOOOOooooOO!!” like they are in the live audience of Saved by the Bell. Sarah is nervous, but should be thanking her effing lucky star that she’s getting the hell outta that mansion for the day. 

The girls walk outside to send off Sarah, and suddenly, like in all forms of normal human life, a helicopter lands in the driveway of the mansion!!! Kacie is [fake] surprised and we conclude that the show is getting right to it this year – they didn’t even let our chopper libido build – just pulling out all the stops, right out of the gates! Sarah and Sean land at the top of a building and he reveals they would be free falling off the building. This is seriously where I would say “I don’t want to get married anyway” and quit. I would NOT have acted like a lady and probably would have had to change my underwear, like, 8 times. But ya know, Sarah does pretty well, and despite having one arm (come on guys, we all know the story they were going for) she conquers ALL, and does it with her man protector Sean!! 

We move on to the night portion of Sarah and Sean’s date. Right when I think that Sarah is going to tell Sean she sharted, she instead tells a story about zip-lining while sad music plays in the background. They share a PG-ish kiss and Sarah snags the rose. I think Sarah is one of the cooler chicks there, and I am totally in her corner. The Parker dress she wore at the rose ceremony also helped her case. (Shallow, but don’t care.)

Now for the………..group date!

Let’s be clear here, group dates are the PITS. Especially week 2 where there are usually around 12 girls trying to get the attention of 1 guy. The girls pull up to an estate where we are reminded that there seriously isn’t a balcony a bachelor doesn’t like. Today’s date involves doing something called harlequin scenes. I have NO idea what that is, and to be honest I really don’t care to find out. The girls get their makeup done, and Tierra decides to talk crap about girls with extensions. OH NO SHE DI’INT. Tierra says something along the lines of “EW, she has extensions!?” To which I think EW, you DON’T?! Gah-ross. Not only did she act like an ignorant fashionless dummy, but she also managed to offend me and MY extensions (along with 99% of the Bachelor franchise). Which, seriously btdubbs, are a life changer (look into them). 

Lesley moves in for some kissy face time and her pictures turn out cute. Tierra then proceeds to piss me off again by saying she wants to punch Kacie – for no apparent reason – but manages to sound psycho and insecure in the process so then I’m aiight with it. I now understand how Shawntel felt when I said those words to her face, verbatim, sorry!

We move onto the night portion of the date, which is apparently a pool party, sans pool and bathing suits. Lesley goes for her 1 on 1 time with Sean and he makes negativo moves. Not really used to this, seeing as Ben had already made out with 90% of our cast at this point. Lesley fills an awkward void by saying it’s been a “GRAND” time. Love her. Her personality reminds me a lot of mine…in that…I quote Old School when sh*t gets weird. Good Test. Keep on truckin’.

Selma thinks that it’s really romantic when Sean says “my wife,” and I realize it won’t take much to amuse her. At this point and start quoting Borat over and over again…MAH WAAAAFFFF.

For the sake of time and the sake of not remembering anyone’s names, Sean gives Kacie the date rose. In the words of my friend Glenn “if I was single, I’d draw that b*tch a bubble bath.” Good choice, Sean.

It’s now time for the final 1 on 1 of the episode and the date goes to the Katie Holmes look-a-like, Desiree. Sean, the little jokester he is, decides to pull a prank on Desiree. Ashton Kutcher doesn’t pop out, Ellen DeGeneres’ illegitimate child doesn’t pop out (Justin Bieber) – but instead we have some budget actors and some non-hidden cameras. If this wasn’t The Bachelor, you KNOW she would have been doing gross shit in there.

Sean thinks he is a horrible person for playing a joke on Desiree, so he decides to take her back to his house where he will do the opposite of sex to her. Instead, they have a conversation that went a lil’ something like this:

What does marriage mean to you?

What does love mean to you?

What does family mean to you?

What does sky mean to you?

What does grass mean to you…and so on.

The date goes well, they make out a little, and call it a night. All in all, I think Desiree is super cute and they have something good going…I am curious to see what happens with these two!

We finally arrive at the rose ceremony and there are SO many girls that have gotten no airtime and therefore I still have no idea who anyone is. The jist of the rose ceremony is; more ugly rose ceremony dresses, Lindsay apologizes for her drunken stupor on night 1 by wearing a not so forgiving dress (sorry Linds, just not my fave), the girls HATE Amanda because she keeps to herself and minds her own business which made no sense to me, and then just a bunch of empty conversations in hopes to get past the week 2 hump.

Robin gets some time with Sean and finally asks him the question that America (me) has been wondering, WHAT IS YOUR TYPE? Seriously, I have never seen such a smorgasbord of girls. Such a mindf*ck in terms of predictions.

The girls get their roses and I still feel like I have no idea what’s going on. Dianna, some other girl, and Katie’s hair go home.

It’s pretty hard writing funny stuff about unfunny people. So I hope they pick it up next week!

 

Top 5 Dresses:

1) Lesley

2) Sarah

3) Jackie

4) Amanda

5) Desiree’s date dress (tight and black, bootie looked good!)

 

Top 5 for Sean:

1) Desiree

2) AshLee

3) Lindsay

4) Lesley

5) Sarah

 

XO

Jac