Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 2

Week 2 – The Week of Nothing.

Wow. I don’t get mushy often, so consider this a serious milestone, but the reactions to my blog last week were wild. I loved all of the support, commentary, and reading all of your opinions as well. An opinion is an opinion; therefore everyone is entitled to have one. I appreciate the ones that differ from mine, but let’s be honest, I like you more if you agree with me. 

Just one quick shout out to a certain someone who gave me great life advice calling my blog “pitiful” and advising me not to “quit my day job.” I just want to say thank you SO much for taking my life out of the gutter! I totally was under the impression that writing one blog a week on a reality show was a sufficient way to make a living in NYC! Phewwwww, you really saved me there.

Also, some of you asked about the dress that Kacie and I wore on Bachelor Pad finale and last week’s Episode 1. It is the Brian Lichtenberg Scuba dress and it comes in those two colors; the hot pink I wore it in, and the black Kacie wore it in. It’s a really hot dress. I suggest you all buy it.

This brings us to week two of the Bachelor! Where everyone starts off as besties for life, to only have sh*t hit the fan 5 minutes later.

We start the episode out with Sean in the weight room (cue Tommy Boy reference), and I’m thinking…I’M SERIOUSLY OVER THE ABS. I am. I’ve said it. Look, he’s got em…just like I’ve got boobs. His abs can’t carry a show, and neither can my…well, actually yes they can. But in all seriousness, I am hoping we pick up some steam in episode 2. I thought episode 2 of our season last year, was the BEST comedic performance on many levels. If you don’t remember, go search and re-watch. You’re welcome. 

A casual Chris Harrison (like, could you DIE?) walks into the mansion with the first 1 on 1 date card. It is for Sarah and the girls all go “oooOOOOooooOO!!” like they are in the live audience of Saved by the Bell. Sarah is nervous, but should be thanking her effing lucky star that she’s getting the hell outta that mansion for the day. 

The girls walk outside to send off Sarah, and suddenly, like in all forms of normal human life, a helicopter lands in the driveway of the mansion!!! Kacie is [fake] surprised and we conclude that the show is getting right to it this year – they didn’t even let our chopper libido build – just pulling out all the stops, right out of the gates! Sarah and Sean land at the top of a building and he reveals they would be free falling off the building. This is seriously where I would say “I don’t want to get married anyway” and quit. I would NOT have acted like a lady and probably would have had to change my underwear, like, 8 times. But ya know, Sarah does pretty well, and despite having one arm (come on guys, we all know the story they were going for) she conquers ALL, and does it with her man protector Sean!! 

We move on to the night portion of Sarah and Sean’s date. Right when I think that Sarah is going to tell Sean she sharted, she instead tells a story about zip-lining while sad music plays in the background. They share a PG-ish kiss and Sarah snags the rose. I think Sarah is one of the cooler chicks there, and I am totally in her corner. The Parker dress she wore at the rose ceremony also helped her case. (Shallow, but don’t care.)

Now for the………..group date!

Let’s be clear here, group dates are the PITS. Especially week 2 where there are usually around 12 girls trying to get the attention of 1 guy. The girls pull up to an estate where we are reminded that there seriously isn’t a balcony a bachelor doesn’t like. Today’s date involves doing something called harlequin scenes. I have NO idea what that is, and to be honest I really don’t care to find out. The girls get their makeup done, and Tierra decides to talk crap about girls with extensions. OH NO SHE DI’INT. Tierra says something along the lines of “EW, she has extensions!?” To which I think EW, you DON’T?! Gah-ross. Not only did she act like an ignorant fashionless dummy, but she also managed to offend me and MY extensions (along with 99% of the Bachelor franchise). Which, seriously btdubbs, are a life changer (look into them). 

Lesley moves in for some kissy face time and her pictures turn out cute. Tierra then proceeds to piss me off again by saying she wants to punch Kacie – for no apparent reason – but manages to sound psycho and insecure in the process so then I’m aiight with it. I now understand how Shawntel felt when I said those words to her face, verbatim, sorry!

We move onto the night portion of the date, which is apparently a pool party, sans pool and bathing suits. Lesley goes for her 1 on 1 time with Sean and he makes negativo moves. Not really used to this, seeing as Ben had already made out with 90% of our cast at this point. Lesley fills an awkward void by saying it’s been a “GRAND” time. Love her. Her personality reminds me a lot of mine…in that…I quote Old School when sh*t gets weird. Good Test. Keep on truckin’.

Selma thinks that it’s really romantic when Sean says “my wife,” and I realize it won’t take much to amuse her. At this point and start quoting Borat over and over again…MAH WAAAAFFFF.

For the sake of time and the sake of not remembering anyone’s names, Sean gives Kacie the date rose. In the words of my friend Glenn “if I was single, I’d draw that b*tch a bubble bath.” Good choice, Sean.

It’s now time for the final 1 on 1 of the episode and the date goes to the Katie Holmes look-a-like, Desiree. Sean, the little jokester he is, decides to pull a prank on Desiree. Ashton Kutcher doesn’t pop out, Ellen DeGeneres’ illegitimate child doesn’t pop out (Justin Bieber) – but instead we have some budget actors and some non-hidden cameras. If this wasn’t The Bachelor, you KNOW she would have been doing gross shit in there.

Sean thinks he is a horrible person for playing a joke on Desiree, so he decides to take her back to his house where he will do the opposite of sex to her. Instead, they have a conversation that went a lil’ something like this:

What does marriage mean to you?

What does love mean to you?

What does family mean to you?

What does sky mean to you?

What does grass mean to you…and so on.

The date goes well, they make out a little, and call it a night. All in all, I think Desiree is super cute and they have something good going…I am curious to see what happens with these two!

We finally arrive at the rose ceremony and there are SO many girls that have gotten no airtime and therefore I still have no idea who anyone is. The jist of the rose ceremony is; more ugly rose ceremony dresses, Lindsay apologizes for her drunken stupor on night 1 by wearing a not so forgiving dress (sorry Linds, just not my fave), the girls HATE Amanda because she keeps to herself and minds her own business which made no sense to me, and then just a bunch of empty conversations in hopes to get past the week 2 hump.

Robin gets some time with Sean and finally asks him the question that America (me) has been wondering, WHAT IS YOUR TYPE? Seriously, I have never seen such a smorgasbord of girls. Such a mindf*ck in terms of predictions.

The girls get their roses and I still feel like I have no idea what’s going on. Dianna, some other girl, and Katie’s hair go home.

It’s pretty hard writing funny stuff about unfunny people. So I hope they pick it up next week!


Top 5 Dresses:

1) Lesley

2) Sarah

3) Jackie

4) Amanda

5) Desiree’s date dress (tight and black, bootie looked good!)


Top 5 for Sean:

1) Desiree

2) AshLee

3) Lindsay

4) Lesley

5) Sarah





  1. Jaclyn–

    You are by far my FAVORITE! You were my fav on Bachelor & Bachelor Pad—duh! You have so much spunk & you are hilarious! Thank you for the blogs, I look forward to reading them. By the way, what that friendly person said about “quiting your day job,” she can suck it! She is totes jealous!! xoxo Heather

    Comment by Heather — January 15, 2013 @ 3:33 pm

  2. Hey lady.

    Really happy you are blogging. Screw the haters who can’t come close to being as clever as you’ve shown yourself to be. Keep the fashion comments coming too! xo

    Comment by Jen15 — January 15, 2013 @ 3:42 pm

  3. Jaclyn,
    I literally LOVE your blog. You’re by far one of the most funny girls I’ve ever met (not personally, but you get the point) — Keep on what you’re doing. Can’t wait to see what you say next week.

    Comment by Erin — January 15, 2013 @ 3:42 pm

  4. I felt like im reading my own blog lol good job!! Xoxo

    Comment by lela — January 15, 2013 @ 3:49 pm

  5. Your blog is AMAZING! You’re so real and your comments are spot on! xoxo

    Comment by Drew — January 15, 2013 @ 3:55 pm

  6. Haaayyy Your blog is deece but if you want to read some good shit maybe get a few pointers the betches love this blog regarding the bachelor is amazing and fucking hilarious. Moving on. Like you, I also still have no idea who the f anyone is on the show. It’s obvi that’s Sean’s into brunettes. Emily broke his lil heart so I think he wants to close the chapter on blondes. Sorry. But since I really don’t know anyone on the show or maybe all the girls just really suck I couldn’t even pick a Top 5 but I feel the Final 4 will be
    1. Tierra
    2. Selma (Salma? Salmon?)
    3. Desiree
    4. Hopefully Kacie
    Also none of the girls like Amanda because she’s fucking scary looking annnd I hope being on The Bachelor is helping the model from Wisconsin realize she’s a model from Wisconsin. That’s all!

    Comment by Johnnie — January 15, 2013 @ 3:56 pm

  7. I only watch so I can read your blog after! I think yoga Katie is so beautiful, and I like her earthy vibe, but her hair reminds me of my painful Bat Mitzvah days before I discovered the power of a blowout and a straightener. I like when people are honest and leave if they’re not into it. Love the list you compiled of standard questions. What do you do if you’re not open and family oriented?!! OK, random (but in my opinion valid) question: at any point during your time on Bachelor or Bachelor Pad, did you get to have your hair/nails done? Would seem criminal not to let you. Stay gorgeous and funny!!!! Xx

    Comment by Bex — January 15, 2013 @ 4:06 pm

  8. So funny again! Great “shout out” to the stooge from last week’s comments stating “don’t quite your day job”. :D

    Comment by Keri — January 15, 2013 @ 4:26 pm

  9. Jaclyn, I love you! You just say what you want and don’t give a crap what others think. Yours and Ashley S. blog are going to be my favorites this season! Keep up the great work!

    Comment by Beth — January 15, 2013 @ 4:50 pm

  10. Your blog is hilarious! I laughed out loud multiple times! Keep it gong! :)

    Comment by Courtney — January 15, 2013 @ 5:38 pm

  11. You are hysterical!!! By far, best bachelor blog ever!! LOVED IT :)

    Comment by meredith — January 15, 2013 @ 5:48 pm

  12. Love your thoughts and I’ve always wanted to see Kacie as The Bachelorette, but now I’m leaning towards you. You’d keep it real, fun, and hysterical! Also, glad that I wasn’t the only one thinking Desiree looks like Katie Holmes!

    Comment by Laura — January 15, 2013 @ 6:05 pm

  13. Thanks all!! So glad I could keep you entertained/waste minutes of your day!

    @Johnnie — obvs I know who betchesluvthis is. but any comparison to them is a compliment. I’m also totes cool with dece.

    week 2 was touuuuugh. I think that overall it was a boring episode, with the exception of Daniela at the end. Can’t wait to see Tierra fall down the stairs and blame everyone else.


    Comment by Jaclyn — January 15, 2013 @ 7:15 pm

  14. You didnt like Catherine’s dress? I loved it!

    Comment by Jess — January 15, 2013 @ 7:22 pm

  15. at first (on ben’s season) i thought you were a little bitchy, but the more i watched, and the more i saw you on bachelor pad, the more i love you! you are a straight forward, hilarious bitch! love the blog (even if you quit your day job) and plan to read throughout the season. thanks for keeping all of bachelor nation grounded!

    Comment by Kate — January 15, 2013 @ 7:39 pm

  16. Just had a random thought, do you take a vase on the bachelor to keep your roses in/what do you do with those things??

    Comment by Louise — January 15, 2013 @ 8:24 pm

  17. I read that Kacie B was seeing some dude before the show..and it is reported over at Natalie Getz website that she is back with him..I think his name is Ty or something like that..So more less she went on the show already with a BF? Wish they would have done to her as they did to Casey S on Bens season! Exposed her for what she is a cheater!

    Comment by Cy — January 16, 2013 @ 1:35 am

  18. @Jess – catherine’s dress was cute, but just not in my top 5.

    @Kate – i’m def a bitch but not a naggy bitch :) i’m glad you got to see more of me on bach pad to understand!

    @Cy – Kacie is not daying Ty, and did not have a bf when she went on the show. not a cheater in the least.

    @Louise – some girls saved their roses and let them dry out as mementos…mine went in the trash can.

    Comment by Jaclyn — January 16, 2013 @ 6:11 am

  19. I just read something on the bachelor website about Kacie dating someone right now too. A former bachelorette contestant I thought.

    LOVE the blog Jaclyn! You are hilarious! I love reading your stuff and following you on twitter. Keep it up gurrrl!

    Comment by Michelle — January 16, 2013 @ 7:23 am

  20. Thanks for the blog. Love the bachelor show but love living it again through your blog.

    Comment by grace — January 16, 2013 @ 7:50 am

  21. Jaclyn, seriously, can we be BFFs? Hilarious. Quick question though, you thought Amanda keeping to herself was weird or you think the girls bitching about it was weird? Her unresponsiveness was pretty damn creepy.

    Comment by Natasha — January 16, 2013 @ 9:48 am

  22. I really didn’t feel like your sense of humor and sarcasm was that apparent on your seasons but thanks to Twitter I have quite an appreciation for you!! You crack my shit up AND your a Pats fan! Keep it comin girl!

    Comment by Erin — January 16, 2013 @ 10:11 am

  23. Jac – I have to tell you that when Sean asked Lesley “why are you here”, I put myself in that situation and said to my sister who was watching with me “obviously…to be on Bachelor Pad and hang out with Jaclyn Swartz”

    The other answer would also be to see if Seanie dates jews. Or in our case…J.A.P.s

    Keep bloggin – you fulfill my sentiments each week perfectly.

    Comment by Aimee — January 16, 2013 @ 10:23 am

  24. You are SO FREAKING FUNNY!!!! I laughed out loud even though I am at work :) Just could NOT contain myself.
    I don’t even care who Sean picks, I just want want to read your blog now.

    Comment by Claudia — January 16, 2013 @ 10:36 am

  25. From one blogger to another, you’re just what every blogger should be. Honest, unassuming and FUNNY – not trying to be funny. There’s a big difference.

    P.S. I’m calling it now: the previews that show were Des’ boyfriend comes and is about to throw blows with Sean? A prank to get back at him. Thoughts?

    Comment by Rachel — January 16, 2013 @ 11:30 am

  26. I’m totally on board with Rachel’s prediction about Des’s boyfriend being a prank. Otherwise what surprises can we look forward to this season, they’ve let way too many spoilers out.

    Comment by Kate — January 16, 2013 @ 11:55 am

  27. @Aimee — dying on your response on “why are you here?”

    @Rachel — Oh Em GEEEE…i feel like you might be right?! good call!!! holding you to it til we see the ep air. you should be a producer maybs.

    Comment by Jaclyn — January 16, 2013 @ 12:17 pm

  28. I think you’re hilarious, Jaclyn! Your blog is so different than all the others I read. Love it!

    Comment by Kelly — January 16, 2013 @ 1:42 pm

  29. So when you were on the bachelor were you attracted to Ben? I know kind of a personal question. Enjoy the blog.

    Comment by grace — January 16, 2013 @ 6:42 pm

  30. I couldn’t wait to hear what you said about Katie’s hair. HILARIOUS!
    And are you in support of Kacie or against? I can’t figure it out.

    Comment by Laura — January 16, 2013 @ 7:03 pm

  31. Hi Jaclyn-great blog! What kind of extensions do you have and recommend?

    Comment by Stephanie — January 17, 2013 @ 8:35 am

  32. Hey Jaclyn, your blog is the only one I read on this site! Umm, what’s Courtney Robertson doing here??
    Anyway, I think you’re real and witty and I hope you’re over Ed…he might be fun and charming but he’s a Bad News Bear!

    Comment by Christine Chaos — January 17, 2013 @ 8:46 am

  33. Multiple paragraphs made me giggle.
    Luv ya girl and I hope BP4 is a shoo-in.

    Comment by Lola — January 17, 2013 @ 10:06 am

  34. Jaclyn- 99% of the people reading your blog have watched the episode. We don’t need a re-cap, we needs some laughs over it. Pleeeeeease fill in for Ashley Spivey, since she’s not blogging this season. You are our only hope for a funny blog! Use pictures, do screen caps, make fun of these girls, stuff they say, crazy dates, etc. Imagine the pics of Amanda and Katie’s hair that Ashley would have done!!

    Comment by cindy — January 17, 2013 @ 10:35 am

  35. Lots of bach franchise wear extensions? Which ones? I heard socap was the best. Info appreciated!

    Comment by Chari — January 17, 2013 @ 3:40 pm

  36. Took your advice and watched season 16 episode 2. Wow, WAAAAY more entertaining! This season is looking very vanilla and bland next to that. I had forgotten how funny it can (and should) be!

    Comment by Vanessa — January 17, 2013 @ 8:27 pm

  37. Glad we are getting to see Sean’s personality. He was more quiet and reserved on Emily’s season.

    Comment by Kelly — January 18, 2013 @ 9:22 am

  38. I would have cried if I was Amanda and I looked like she did at the cocktail party. Her hair was a train wreck and yellow dresses should only be worn on super models. It doesn’t do justice for anyone.

    Comment by Becky — January 18, 2013 @ 9:29 am

  39. LOVE your blog Jaclyn! Looking forward to next week

    Comment by Ruth — January 18, 2013 @ 10:24 pm

  40. Jaclyn, baby girl you are the daughter of my heart. I’m 20 years older than you but man we could chill. I hate to admit, I didn’t think much of you on your season, but then BP came along and I think I developed a girl crush, and I never like blondes!! Your blog is the first I like to read, you make me laugh out loud. Keep it up sisterfriend. Much Love

    Comment by MamaBear — January 19, 2013 @ 12:22 am

  41. Haha, funniest blog so far. I had to find a new favorite since Ashley Spivey stopped blogging, and here it is.
    Looking forward to more of it.

    Comment by SJ — January 19, 2013 @ 2:53 am

  42. Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs. Keep up the great blogging!

    Comment by Susan — January 19, 2013 @ 2:55 pm

  43. Check out a psychiatrist’s perspective of episode 2 of The Bachelor at http://bachelortherapy.wordpress.com/webisodes/episode-2/!

    Comment by Dr. Karl Benzio — January 21, 2013 @ 8:39 am

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