Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 3

Week 3: Trimming the Fat

Happy ‘I’m-not-going-to-do-work-and-read-Bachelor-blogs-all-day-instead’ Tuesday (mer, Wednesday)! I am sorry, I am not sorry that my blog is late this week. I was extremely hungover yesterday – the Patriots lost and I decided to mask my sadness by drinking a lot of alcohol and killing a ton of brain cells in the process (Bachelor girls, take notes, it’s a great way to cope). I wanted to make sure I was lucid when I wrote the blog, so….here it is.

Serious matters: Since I made a reference to hair extensions in my last blog, some of you were asking what kind I have. I have the adhesive extensions by Hot Heads, and they last up to 3 months. A lot of my friends are advocates of the clips-ins, but I am far too lazy to deal with those.

The rest of the comments had me laughing last week. I totes appreesh you all contributing your opinions of the show and of things that I say because most of you are pretty funny as well (obvs). Just do me a favor, and don’t TRY too hard to be funny. It’s gross.

On to episode 3, where they have officially gotten rid of Sean’s “Bachelor House” and he now lives in solitary confinement in a weight room. Poor Seany! (PS – the SEANY name gives me the cringies. Some of the girls on my season called Ben “Benny boo boo” and I wanted to slit my wrists. I know that it’s a “how to lose a guy in 10 days reference,” but I mean COME ON. Not funny. Not cute. Needless to say, they all lasted longer than me on the show.

Sean is surprised because he realizes he’s actually digging more than one person at this point, which is a little shocking, because I expected to learn who the winner was in episode 3. Robyn comes in hot with a some empty ghetto statement like, “Let’s ditch all dem bitches and fall in luv fah real fah real,” reminding us why she will be gone in the next episode or 2, and more so reminding us that she should have already been axed.  (UM the promo with her “tasting chocolate” gimmick made me queasy. A little too “breathy” if you will).

The date card comes and it is for Lesley M. I’m a fan. She has done nothing at this point to make me think otherwise. She brings her bag to the front door in dramatic fashion – which like I mentioned before, is not the only bag the girls have…however, judging by the lengths of these chicks dresses, it just might be a possibility. I think I almost saw something like, 6 poons in this episode alone.

Lesley and Sean arrive at the Guinness World Records museum, which is essentially a shrine to circus freaks, people with a lot of time on their hands, and…Sean’s dad. He apparently holds the record for the World’s longest fingernail. Well, actually he doesn’t. It turns out he holds the record for driving through the 48 adjacent states in the fastest record time, like 97 hours or some stupid sh*t. We see pictures of Sean’s dad with a handmade sign, and quotes like “IT’S A GAS!” Hardy har har.  And with that, it’s offish, I’ve just added a new deal breaker to my list: Guy’s with family members who hold Guinness World Records. Come on people, you know it’s not cool.

Chris Harrison arrives in his finest magician vest, and we soon find out that Sean and Lesley are going to attempt to break the record for the world’s longest kiss. Time for a BATHROOM BREAK. First off, I guess I just have a bad attitude when it comes to this stuff, or since the show I have matured greatly (ha), but this date sounded like my version of hell. Some dude with a fake British accent and a messed up grill reads off the rules. Like I’d ever take orders from a dude with yellow crooked teeth, as if.  I gotta hand it to Lesley for actually putting some effort into it though, and trying to take advantage of this kissy time. I literally would have stood there, stuck my lips out and said “wake me up when it’s over.” The best part were the loser faces who were standing in the crowd watching the kiss take place. Chris asked one girl what she thought of the situation, “Well it’s really awkward standing here watching 2 people kiss!” – thanks genius, you’re the dumb*ss who is choosing to stand there and be a creeper.

The night portion of their date was chummy. I dunno, I wasn’t feeling crazy fireworks, but I think Lesley will stick around for a while longer. They have a casual conversation…Lesley talks about how she was a nerd in high school, which really means “I was a sl*t, but I am in no way shape or form obligated to tell you this, so let roll with this. AP classes. Loved it. Cool.” Then, Lesley takes control and goes in for the kiss. TOLD YOU SO.

For the group date, we travel with the ladies and Sean to a beach for a game of volleyball. It basically looks like a Baywatch scene, but with no one over 5’2″ and less fake boobage. Chris Harrison shows up, AGAIN, proving to us that he’s not working on “You Deserve It!” this season. The girls are split into 2 teams, and the winners get to spend more time with Sean. Taryn quips that it is “the most important game of her LIFE,” and now I am hoping that she is seriously reevaluating that life.

The game was like watching a class of deaf and blind Kindergarteners chase chickens. I think someone SERIOUSLY over-estimated their coordination…next time, Nukem please. The girls who lose are sent packing and tears start a flowin’. Daniella walks into the house and says in a sad voice “we lostttt…” to which no one responded/cared, and then she said it again. For some reason this killed me. I want more Daniella please! She cracks me up!

At the night portion of the group date we hear more girls say that they want their BF to be their best friend. Lindsay says she doesn’t require much attention, and I think for that reason Sean gives her the rose.

Kacie…Kacie…Kacie….as one of my close friends, I am going to try to shed some new light on this. Do I agree that Kacie made the right move? NO. Do I think that Kacie is dramatic? No. But, I know Kacie very well, and I honestly think that when she was in this conversation with Sean, she was confused feelings-wise. Her choice to call out other girls put her so far back into the friendzone and left Sean confused. The conversation was weird, yes. Like it actually made no sense, and as a viewer, we didn’t understand where it was coming from. But maybe there is more to the story? Maybe there is more we didn’t see? I am just saying that Kacie is a smart girl and doesn’t generally shoot herself in the foot like that. I could see it in Kacie’s body language that her heart wasn’t in it like it was on Season 16. I saw her more as a strategy player than a love player. I also want to point out that you eat, sleep and breathe the girls in the house. Around each other all the time, and that’s IT. It all could have just gotten to her. But either way, I am glad she went home, because it was the best choice for all parties involved.

Tierra grabs the date card and pretends that it’s a 2 on 1 date, when really it’s a 1 on 1 for AshLee. I thought this joke was HYSTERICAL. Seriously, being on the Bachelor is so intense all the time (as you could see with the girls’ reactions) and I thought that Tierra was breaking some tension. I am recognizing that I am being bipolar with who I like/don’t like, but I am kinda really loving Tierra. Pretty, a total betch, and would obviously be in my group of friends.

THEN, Tierra takes a spill down those stairs and makes the funniest squeal ever. But instead of popping right back up, and doing the awkward Ashlee Simpson Jig (like I would have), she continues to dramatically lie on the stairs for a while longer, drawing attention. Honestly, I would have been so annoyed with the paramedics too. LIKE GET OFF ME. Leave me alone. I felt Tierra’s pain. Best part of the fall is that it ended up working in her favor. Well play girlfran.

AshLee seriously had me when she said she “didn’t like activity.” We are sooo the samesies. She’s also gorgeous, has an amazing story, and seems so sweet. Let me count the ways.

They go to Six Flags where 2 girls with a mitochondrial disease join them which actually made my heart of stone, melt. Sean is so surprised that a girl as sweet as AshLee has such a horrible upbringing. This is because she’s probably a secret serial killer. She gets a rose.

The rose ceremony cocktail party commences. Girls are pissed that they are being interrupted, which doesn’t even warrant a comment. It’s the BACHELOR! Duh. Kacie AKA Scuba Steve with a matching scrunchy doesn’t get to finish her time with Sean and he eliminates Kacie before the ceremony starts because he has too much “respect” for her to make her sit through another rose ceremony. This could also be looked at as Sean having no respect for Taryn and Kristy, who would later be offed. I should have been a lawyer.

 

Random thoughts:

1) Sarah wore a gorgeous Naven dress, which I wore a lot of on Bachelor Pad. I knew I liked her.

2) I still don’t have a problem with Amanda

3) Desiree looks prettier to me in every ep

4) I wish Sean would make some dirty jokes every now and then

5) Kristy’s donut bun was so large I thought she was going to teeter over

6) I want more Selma

7) I want more Daniella (I think she should have been on my season)

8) I officially feel like a lesbian

 

Top 5 Girls:

1) Des

2) Lindsay

3) Tierra

4) AshLee

5) Sarah (the Leo thing showed that Sean digs her)

Can’t wait to hear all your thoughts.

 

I formally invite you to cyberstalk me:

Twitter & Instagram: @jaclynswartz

 

XO

Jac

 

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