Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 4

Week 4, Jaws are sore.

So anyway, last night’s ep was pretty dece. More of the girls are getting airtime (we will cover that) with the exception of Jackie (who is totally cute and I am not understanding what’s lacking that her material isn’t air worthy?!) and Daniella, who I love. I know I said it last week and I’m saying it again. That’s the beauty of having a blog. Just a side note, my criteria for loving people is 1) if they are skinny and pretty and/or  2) if they are a lot like me personality wise.

Anyway, (never) enough about me, let’s talk about the show. I know some of you follow me on twitter and I try to tweet some things during the episode, but also try not to overlap my thoughts from twitter and the blog (yes I actually put effort into these things for YOU) but, I got a tweet response last night that made me laugh. This person told me that all I do is bitch and complain about the show and that I should get over myself.

My thoughts:

1) Bitching and complaining is so much more fun than spewing rainbows and dolphins

2) Guilty pleasure, have you heard of the concept?

3) I am a true believer in this show, but if there weren’t an entertainment factor then the show wouldn’t be as successful

4) I am sarcastic. If you aren’t sarcastic yourself, then you should probably revert back to reading take out menus and piano books, not my blog.

5) I will never get over myself

So with that being said, we open the episode with Sean in his boxer briefs. Thank god they were black, so they appeared clean…even if they weren’t. We have to leave SOMETHING to the imagination at this point.

Lesley tells America that she’s really sad because she wants to have a date, then we immediately pan to her…not getting a date.

The date is for Selma! All of the boyfriends and husbands who are “forced” to watch this show are now suddenly a little too excited. Fights break out across homes in America.

They hop in the limo…then plane…and then end up in the middle of a desert, and quite frankly, I am not sure who is going to kill who first in this scenario. Selma beats America to the punch by saying, “They take the Iraqi to the desert?!” and all of a sudden she isn’t just beauty and boobs to me, she has a good sense of humour! (Sometimes I like to type like I am British.)

Selma’s comments were making me laugh, and judging by the fact that she usually wears 6 inch heels (I am hoping that she is like 5’3″ max?!) she was probably cringing when she had to wear those heinous hiking shoes that looked like a hybrid of aqua socks and those nasty puma bike shoes. BASICALLY the female version of men wearing tevas with cargo shorts. Sean, the perv, thought it was “fun to watch her attempt to climb” — all because his view was of Selma’s crass (crotch/ass).

The next part of the date is at a trailer park, where clearly the same scenery was used from Bachelor Pad. Those pink flamingos are expensive! The only difference was that Blakeley felt a little too at home, whereas Selma, did not.

Selma brings up her family and how she can’t kiss Sean, and I am stumped. I know her boobs are good, and it will probably be enough to hold her over for a couple more episodes, but in all honesty, I don’t know how people go on this show and think they can make up their own rules. This is the BACHELOR! Hot tub make outs, whip cream, zooming in on tongues, whatevs! Anything goes. I just don’t see how you can compete in this game, with the potential of being engaged, without ever kissing someone. We can cover that all when we get to the overnight dates in a few weeks.

Needless to say, Selma gets a rose, which she should because she is really pretty and it’s still kind of early.

Next up is the group date, where the girls are to partake in the most lesbianish butchish sport in the world; roller derby. In other words, DEFINITELY perfect for rails like these girls, who, as we were reminded in this episode, weigh 110 pounds. It’s like watching these girls play softball, but better, because there will probably be some deaths. Not only are these girls out of their element, but throwing in a girl who is missing a forearm, is just plain MEAN. I knew I would love every minute of it. Anytime you throw in some intense physical sport on the bachelor, the girls become rabid dogs and basically try to outshine the others. However, none are athletic or graceful, so they all end up failing miserably. We see this happen when Sarah cries (I actually felt bad, I LOVE her), Robyn falls into a split (conveniently in front of Sean, annoying), and Amanda’s jaw get’s wired shut, momentarily.

After all the girls get injured, 1 by 1, the roller derby date turns into my 5th grade roller-skating birthday party. The only thing missing was some skeeball and pizza!

In all honesty, I would have hated being on this season. Far too much physical activity designed for dudes. I am not sure what Sean is trying to pull here? It’s not nice and I’m tearing up as I write this. The next group date would have been attending my funeral. Ser. I would be dead.

At the night portion of the date, nothing really happens except for Tierra crying. She claims she’s a strong woman, but she is crying in the corner in the dark like a weirdo. I don’t know, I still really like her. I think for entertainment purposes. Sean gives Tierra the group date rose, and jaws across America hit the floor. I have nothing funny to say here, Sean’s a moron.

Then….Leslie H. finally gets the 1 on 1 date she’s been waiting for – a pretty woman date! Sean arrives in a flannel with a vest over it, and everyone’s lady boners are shot to sh*t.

They arrive at Badgley Mischka so that Sean can treat her to some shopping, and I could NOT wait for a lady to come out and tell her to go elsewhere because she couldn’t be helped/roll her eyes/stare Leslie up and down. This didn’t happen, but in a twist of events they decided to offer her only the ugliest dresses in the store. Tapestry on tapestry on tapestry. Definitely a meaner joke than taking the girls to be lesbian athletes for the day.

The dress Leslie ended up choosing looked like this:

I am going to give Leslie the benefit of the doubt, because according to what she tried on, she had slim pickings.

Leslie and Sean end up going to dinner, and at this point, we have already heard her say the following:

1) Holy Moly

2) Holy Moly Batman

3) Winner winner chicken dinner

4) A bunch of other embarrassing and social suicidal quotes that are awkward

We are taken back to the house where Tierra and 2 others are discussing whether or not they think Leslie is coming home. However, I was too distracted by Tierra eating Nacho Cheese Doritos off a plate. Tierra, making Doritos look classy since 2013. Loved it, love her.

Dinner with Sean and Leslie seemed quick to me, but I think that’s because I was online shopping during this entire date. Needless to say, I think that there was a lack of connection, and while I think Leslie is a pretty girl with a unique look, it was probably her time to go. Oh and the fact that she was on another dating show where she dressed like a…fanta girl?

Lots of used goods this season! At least she got to keep the earrings??

We are finally at the rose ceremony cocktail party.

Amanda’s lips go from blood red to black, and I assume she has a man demon inside of her.

AshLee gets her time with Sean where he tells her how much he’s been thinking of her. I love her SO much. She’s so pretty and YES I think she’s genuine. I know she will be sticking around for a while.

Robyn, who always wears cute dresses, proceeds to give Jamie Otis a run for her money in competing for the “Most Awkward Moment in Bachelor History” as quoted by Chris Harrison. She wanted Sean to taste the chocolate, but this wasn’t Godiva, kids. This was like Walmart brand imitation chocolate from the dollar store sale section. It did not look like Sean liked tasting the chocolate. However, Jamie still takes the cake on the bachelor’s most awkward moment, strictly because I don’t like her.

Tierra gives an empty apology to Jackie and Robyn, and since we haven’t seen much of Jackie, I was really confused as to why she received an apology as well. At this point, I’m just wishing Tierra told them to “take one up the tailpipe” a la Courtney, so that she at least seemed a little consistent with her personality. I love a good bitch, and Tierra needs to stick to her guns.

Catherine finally gets some airtime and I can now see why she has been around this whole time. Sean says that they always are laughing and goofing around, and to me, that is the most important aspect of a relashe. They kiss and things are all good in Catherine/Sean world. She has now entered my top 5. I can’t wait to see more of her.

Sean eliminates Amanda at the rose ceremony because due to her recent jaw injury he knows a BJ is out of the question in the fantasy suite.

 

Top 5 best dressed this ep:

1) Sarah

2) Amanda

3) Catherine

4) Lindsay

5) Robyn

 

Top 5 girls for Sean:

1) Lindsay

2) Des

3) AshLee

4) Catherine

5) Lesley

 

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts. See you next week for 2 nights in a row of sarcastic fun.

XO

JAC

twitta & insta: @jaclynswartz