Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 5

Episode 5: Whitefish, AKA the spread I like to put on my bagels. Speaking of, I want a bagel.

We have reached the halfway mark, where although Sean definitely has a good feeling who his final 4 will be (I just think it’s impossible not to know at this point), he still claims to miss ALL the girls so much!

Sean and his women arrive in Whitefish, Montana. The home of many 45 year old men who still live in their parents’ basements and herd cattle. But nonetheless, YAY! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited to be in Whitefish, Montana! (After being on a travelling season, the “Welcome to….” are the funniest interviews ever.) Sean claims it’s the most BEAUTIFUL place he’s ever seen…so uhhhh, memba Emily’s season? Montana totally kicks Curacaos ass. RIGHT SEAN?

The girls are excited to smell the fresh air, and after spending 4 weeks in the Bachelor mansion, I can totally understand what they mean. It’s like a luxury suburgatory where you sleep in small beds and take group showers (oh yea oh yea).

Hottie Harrison walks in and reveals that this will be the week of the dreaded 2 on 1 date. No sugar coating this, there is honestly nothing worse than being selected for that. Just straight up mortifying and like, kinda mean?

Lindsay gets the 1 on 1 date and cries tears of joy quietly. I thought this was presh. They go off for their date, take the Bachelor chopper (that I hope they own by now, because leasing it would just be a waste of money) to a mountainside picnic that Sean did not set up for them. For blogging purposes, the dates with no activities really suck because they are too normal and they actually have to have composed conversations. Best part of it all, they didn’t talk at all. I mean, I SERIOUSLY couldn’t decide if I should open a bottle of white or red, which was a really important internal conflict, so my mind was 100% focused on their date. But it’s safe to say is all I can remember was that they sat on a sheet with some nice scenery, and talked about absolutely nothing. Change of scenery to a fireplace with some blankets, and there is far too little alcohol and too much boring blabber. Lindsay is an army brat, and explains that she moved around a lot. This is important because for the 982nd time this season, we really need to dissect what family means? Also, did it make anyone else feel uncomfortable that Lindsay kept saying “adolescence” in a serious way? Like, what was that? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great word to have in your vernacular – but it should only be used during awkward times or when making dirty jokes about your teen years.

Lindsay and Sean make out with a lot of tongue and just before we were all about to hang ourselves due to boredom, they show up at a private concert. None other than Sarah Darling is performing!! I was SO excited to see her play for them because she is literally my FAVORITE singer right now and is seriously all the rage. Not. I have no idea who she is, despite her valiant efforts to have a memorable stage/porn star name. UPDATE: I just checked her twitter handle. She loves Jesus. It all makes sense now.

Lindsay gets the rose – I think she’s a really cute girl, and judging by the way he kisses her, there is definitely a sexual chemistry between them. BUT, it’s week 5 and they are still talking about a drunk girl in the wedding dress? I dunno, not clicking for me.

CH walks into the house and it’s the group date card. A bunch of girls’ names are called, and through process of elimination, we learn that Jackie and Tierra will be going on the 2 on 1 date. Who knew professional organizers, jumbotron controllers, cryptkeepers, and ball waxers could count? And they did this all WITHOUT the poker dealer? I’m impressed ladies!

Tierra is all fake excited to go on the 2 on 1 date, which is exactly what Blakeley did on our season. Insecurity central: population – all the girls on this show.

We arrive at the group date, which is another date from hell in my books. Maybe my social rules are somewhat skewed but going on a show to find love? Socially acceptable desperation. Going on a 1 on 1 with the risk you may be dumped on the spot? Socially acceptable desperation. Going on a 2 on 1 date knowing the Bachelor may choose another girl while you sit there? Socially acceptable desperation. Competing in physical activity to win a chance at $250,000? Normal. Competing in physical activity and downing nasty goat milk so you have a chance at spending more time with someone who may or may not like you? NOT OK. Like, I have seriously danced on this line SO hard that it basically doesn’t exist anymore, but no. JUST NO. In addition, the girls have to put on heinous flannels and do activities they aren’t good at, while managing to still act excited. I want my mommy!

In other news, has there ever been a goat that wasn’t named Billy?

Moving along…Daniella is excited because she sees goats, canoes and hay! Oh haaaayyyyy. The girls are split into a modern day bloods and crypts gang war wearing blue or red flannel. There were multiple legs of the relay – and Lesley quips that “weak people piss her off” – LOVE YOU. We are so the samesies. What is worse than a weak person?! They aren’t even fun to pick on.

In case you didn’t know, HAY IS HEAV-AY Y’ALL. We see Sarah prevail (yay!) and Selma struggle in the canoe. Possibly the simplest of simpleton boats to maneuver. Also, if Selma said “bush” one more time I was gonna vom. I just was like, over it.

Des downs the goat’s milk and has now secured a spot in the fantasy suites due to an enthusiastic and perverse Sean – and her team weens da race!

Sean, who hasn’t lifted a finger all day, takes the winning team to part 2 of the date. The girls who lost are pissed they have to go home. I would have quit before the volleyball challenge, so I can’t even relate to how they feel.

Tierra the psychopath decides to sneak in to group date because she wants to get some one on one time before her 2 on 1 date. Cheating? Maybe. Unfair advantage? Maybe. But Sean is a moron and this is working in Tierra’s favor. AGAIN – DON’T blame her. Another thing to note: None of the girls knew about Tierra sneaking into that date. If they did, you KNOW they all would have been up in arms.

The girls get one on one time with Sean. AshLee is confident, but, I spy a close-mouthed kiss. The losing team shows up because Sean decides to invite them despite their loss. BECAUSE, IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW HE IS A GOOD GUY. Did you hear me the first time? HE’S SUCH A GOOD GUY IT’S LIKE…TO A FAULT! HE’S SO GOOD.

I say, time for Des to take advantage of this good guy-ness and guilt the sh*t out of him for making her drink the goat milk for nothing. IE – “Hey, remember that goat milk I drank? Also, I just got off the phone with Neil and told him I’m a size 6. So what else is new?”

Daniella cries because she hasn’t gotten any time with Sean and then sucks his face and gets a rose. Way to go for it!! She mah fave.

2 on 1 time!

Jackie, Tierra, & Sean go on a date where they ride horses by sunset. Tierra has the fast and aggressive horse, and Jackie has the slow horse that falls behind.

It’s unfortunate that Jackie showed up on episode 5 only to leave. I think she’s adorbs. But she serious sh*t the bed by talking about Tierra during her coveted time with Sean. Favorite part? When Jackie told him that Tierra said a “guy was hot at the airport.” UM DUH! That is not a sin or a crime. I comment on guys all day long, ages 7 and up. Also, not a crime…unless you act on it, Mary Kay Letourneau.

Tierra’s time comes and she says she has a really big heart. Whether it is beating and pumping blood is still TBD. Now, before I started my blog, I made a vow to myself never to rip on anyone physically. I have been there, and it SUCKS. Now that I have put that out there, WHAT is on Tierra’s forehead? Is it Botox gone wrong? Girlfriend is so pretty, but it’s been an awkward 4 weeks pretending I didn’t notice it.

Anyway, Sean chooses Tierra for the (not) surprise of the night. Jackie is sent packing. Sean takes Tierra out to woods, and shoots her dead. Just kidding, those were fireworks, but it sure sounded like a gun, and that sure as hell would have been a funnier ending.

We are finally at the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, and Robyn officially steals the show by saying “I’m gonna turn this into the Bad Girls Club.” UM, I love you? Seriously, my favorite show ever – I will get drunk and watch it with you whenever you are avail.

Robyn confronts Tierra who has segregated herself by a fire. It goes in circles and is more so annoying because Tierra already has a rose and basically doesn’t give a sh*t. Des thinks she’s needs to take a Xanax, and that reminds me…I’m on my 3rd glass of wine, and should probably take one too…for fun.

Sean walks by as Tierra is bragging and bitching, and asks Lesley for advice on what’s going on. Fist pump, high five, Lesley you’re in the friend zone honey. Which is too bad, because she was also a top dawg for me. Sean is really searching for forensic evidence that Tierra is a bad seed. Keep looking for that evidence Seany…because pretty soon YOU will be the only type of forensic evidence if you keep her.

It was a predictable rose ceremony in that Robyn went home. She just wasn’t at the same level as the other girls were, romantically with Sean. Now she can go back to tasting chocolate.

I’m in a bad mood. (Hence the hefty amount of death jokes.)

Okay, bye.

Jac

insta & twitter: @jaclynswartz