Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 5

Episode 5: Whitefish, AKA the spread I like to put on my bagels. Speaking of, I want a bagel.

We have reached the halfway mark, where although Sean definitely has a good feeling who his final 4 will be (I just think it’s impossible not to know at this point), he still claims to miss ALL the girls so much!

Sean and his women arrive in Whitefish, Montana. The home of many 45 year old men who still live in their parents’ basements and herd cattle. But nonetheless, YAY! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited to be in Whitefish, Montana! (After being on a travelling season, the “Welcome to….” are the funniest interviews ever.) Sean claims it’s the most BEAUTIFUL place he’s ever seen…so uhhhh, memba Emily’s season? Montana totally kicks Curacaos ass. RIGHT SEAN?

The girls are excited to smell the fresh air, and after spending 4 weeks in the Bachelor mansion, I can totally understand what they mean. It’s like a luxury suburgatory where you sleep in small beds and take group showers (oh yea oh yea).

Hottie Harrison walks in and reveals that this will be the week of the dreaded 2 on 1 date. No sugar coating this, there is honestly nothing worse than being selected for that. Just straight up mortifying and like, kinda mean?

Lindsay gets the 1 on 1 date and cries tears of joy quietly. I thought this was presh. They go off for their date, take the Bachelor chopper (that I hope they own by now, because leasing it would just be a waste of money) to a mountainside picnic that Sean did not set up for them. For blogging purposes, the dates with no activities really suck because they are too normal and they actually have to have composed conversations. Best part of it all, they didn’t talk at all. I mean, I SERIOUSLY couldn’t decide if I should open a bottle of white or red, which was a really important internal conflict, so my mind was 100% focused on their date. But it’s safe to say is all I can remember was that they sat on a sheet with some nice scenery, and talked about absolutely nothing. Change of scenery to a fireplace with some blankets, and there is far too little alcohol and too much boring blabber. Lindsay is an army brat, and explains that she moved around a lot. This is important because for the 982nd time this season, we really need to dissect what family means? Also, did it make anyone else feel uncomfortable that Lindsay kept saying “adolescence” in a serious way? Like, what was that? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great word to have in your vernacular – but it should only be used during awkward times or when making dirty jokes about your teen years.

Lindsay and Sean make out with a lot of tongue and just before we were all about to hang ourselves due to boredom, they show up at a private concert. None other than Sarah Darling is performing!! I was SO excited to see her play for them because she is literally my FAVORITE singer right now and is seriously all the rage. Not. I have no idea who she is, despite her valiant efforts to have a memorable stage/porn star name. UPDATE: I just checked her twitter handle. She loves Jesus. It all makes sense now.

Lindsay gets the rose – I think she’s a really cute girl, and judging by the way he kisses her, there is definitely a sexual chemistry between them. BUT, it’s week 5 and they are still talking about a drunk girl in the wedding dress? I dunno, not clicking for me.

CH walks into the house and it’s the group date card. A bunch of girls’ names are called, and through process of elimination, we learn that Jackie and Tierra will be going on the 2 on 1 date. Who knew professional organizers, jumbotron controllers, cryptkeepers, and ball waxers could count? And they did this all WITHOUT the poker dealer? I’m impressed ladies!

Tierra is all fake excited to go on the 2 on 1 date, which is exactly what Blakeley did on our season. Insecurity central: population – all the girls on this show.

We arrive at the group date, which is another date from hell in my books. Maybe my social rules are somewhat skewed but going on a show to find love? Socially acceptable desperation. Going on a 1 on 1 with the risk you may be dumped on the spot? Socially acceptable desperation. Going on a 2 on 1 date knowing the Bachelor may choose another girl while you sit there? Socially acceptable desperation. Competing in physical activity to win a chance at $250,000? Normal. Competing in physical activity and downing nasty goat milk so you have a chance at spending more time with someone who may or may not like you? NOT OK. Like, I have seriously danced on this line SO hard that it basically doesn’t exist anymore, but no. JUST NO. In addition, the girls have to put on heinous flannels and do activities they aren’t good at, while managing to still act excited. I want my mommy!

In other news, has there ever been a goat that wasn’t named Billy?

Moving along…Daniella is excited because she sees goats, canoes and hay! Oh haaaayyyyy. The girls are split into a modern day bloods and crypts gang war wearing blue or red flannel. There were multiple legs of the relay – and Lesley quips that “weak people piss her off” – LOVE YOU. We are so the samesies. What is worse than a weak person?! They aren’t even fun to pick on.

In case you didn’t know, HAY IS HEAV-AY Y’ALL. We see Sarah prevail (yay!) and Selma struggle in the canoe. Possibly the simplest of simpleton boats to maneuver. Also, if Selma said “bush” one more time I was gonna vom. I just was like, over it.

Des downs the goat’s milk and has now secured a spot in the fantasy suites due to an enthusiastic and perverse Sean – and her team weens da race!

Sean, who hasn’t lifted a finger all day, takes the winning team to part 2 of the date. The girls who lost are pissed they have to go home. I would have quit before the volleyball challenge, so I can’t even relate to how they feel.

Tierra the psychopath decides to sneak in to group date because she wants to get some one on one time before her 2 on 1 date. Cheating? Maybe. Unfair advantage? Maybe. But Sean is a moron and this is working in Tierra’s favor. AGAIN – DON’T blame her. Another thing to note: None of the girls knew about Tierra sneaking into that date. If they did, you KNOW they all would have been up in arms.

The girls get one on one time with Sean. AshLee is confident, but, I spy a close-mouthed kiss. The losing team shows up because Sean decides to invite them despite their loss. BECAUSE, IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW HE IS A GOOD GUY. Did you hear me the first time? HE’S SUCH A GOOD GUY IT’S LIKE…TO A FAULT! HE’S SO GOOD.

I say, time for Des to take advantage of this good guy-ness and guilt the sh*t out of him for making her drink the goat milk for nothing. IE – “Hey, remember that goat milk I drank? Also, I just got off the phone with Neil and told him I’m a size 6. So what else is new?”

Daniella cries because she hasn’t gotten any time with Sean and then sucks his face and gets a rose. Way to go for it!! She mah fave.

2 on 1 time!

Jackie, Tierra, & Sean go on a date where they ride horses by sunset. Tierra has the fast and aggressive horse, and Jackie has the slow horse that falls behind.

It’s unfortunate that Jackie showed up on episode 5 only to leave. I think she’s adorbs. But she serious sh*t the bed by talking about Tierra during her coveted time with Sean. Favorite part? When Jackie told him that Tierra said a “guy was hot at the airport.” UM DUH! That is not a sin or a crime. I comment on guys all day long, ages 7 and up. Also, not a crime…unless you act on it, Mary Kay Letourneau.

Tierra’s time comes and she says she has a really big heart. Whether it is beating and pumping blood is still TBD. Now, before I started my blog, I made a vow to myself never to rip on anyone physically. I have been there, and it SUCKS. Now that I have put that out there, WHAT is on Tierra’s forehead? Is it Botox gone wrong? Girlfriend is so pretty, but it’s been an awkward 4 weeks pretending I didn’t notice it.

Anyway, Sean chooses Tierra for the (not) surprise of the night. Jackie is sent packing. Sean takes Tierra out to woods, and shoots her dead. Just kidding, those were fireworks, but it sure sounded like a gun, and that sure as hell would have been a funnier ending.

We are finally at the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, and Robyn officially steals the show by saying “I’m gonna turn this into the Bad Girls Club.” UM, I love you? Seriously, my favorite show ever – I will get drunk and watch it with you whenever you are avail.

Robyn confronts Tierra who has segregated herself by a fire. It goes in circles and is more so annoying because Tierra already has a rose and basically doesn’t give a sh*t. Des thinks she’s needs to take a Xanax, and that reminds me…I’m on my 3rd glass of wine, and should probably take one too…for fun.

Sean walks by as Tierra is bragging and bitching, and asks Lesley for advice on what’s going on. Fist pump, high five, Lesley you’re in the friend zone honey. Which is too bad, because she was also a top dawg for me. Sean is really searching for forensic evidence that Tierra is a bad seed. Keep looking for that evidence Seany…because pretty soon YOU will be the only type of forensic evidence if you keep her.

It was a predictable rose ceremony in that Robyn went home. She just wasn’t at the same level as the other girls were, romantically with Sean. Now she can go back to tasting chocolate.

I’m in a bad mood. (Hence the hefty amount of death jokes.)

Okay, bye.


insta & twitter: @jaclynswartz


  1. I thought the part where Daniella peeked out and saw Sean and Catherine outside was very telling. I think it was a moment where she realized that she wasn’t going to get the final rose. Sean & Catherine looked so comfortable and cuddly. I can understand why she was so upset. I was surprised he gave her the rose. I like her but she is too far behind to make up time.

    Comment by Ann — February 5, 2013 @ 4:37 pm

  2. You are so right about “adolescence.” It was making me mad uncomf.

    Comment by CP — February 5, 2013 @ 4:54 pm

  3. According to Sean’s blog, a lot more went on during his 1-on-1 with Lindsay, so kind of sucky they didn’t show it! Would have been hilarious to see them wrestling. I actually do see a connection and chemistry and she’s still one of my fave girls. Sweet, cute, and it doesn’t seemed forced. When Sean had that conversation with Lesley I immediately said to myself “And there goes you two ending up together.” Definitely in the friend zone.

    Comment by Kara — February 5, 2013 @ 4:55 pm

  4. She loves Jesus, it all makes sense now…

    I’m totes in love with you and your blog.

    Comment by Amanda — February 5, 2013 @ 4:59 pm

  5. Snooze, your blog was a little bores tonight. Maybe it was just the episode or your bad mood… You did make me smile with the goat milk sperm reference though

    Comment by Carlie — February 5, 2013 @ 5:39 pm

  6. it looks as though Tierra may have had those implant piercing thing-ey lol

    Comment by Lisa — February 5, 2013 @ 5:40 pm

  7. lolol. Yours and Natalie’s blogs are making me feel better about not having Ashley’s blog this season. You two are hilarious. Anyway, I just want Tierra to disappear.

    Comment by Beth — February 5, 2013 @ 5:58 pm

  8. what happened to the fashion?? the only reason Ir sad your blog is to see what you thought about the outfits :(

    Comment by Jennifer — February 5, 2013 @ 6:13 pm

  9. High!Larious! Girl! My fav blog so far. Thank you for pointing out the “adolescence” thing. No one else did, and that bothered the S#!+ outta me. I’m pretty sure you can’t trust someone who uses that word in everyday conversation.

    Comment by Kay — February 5, 2013 @ 6:47 pm

  10. Another week, another great blog. Chuck, f*ck or marry: Ben Flajnik, Jake Pavelka, Chris Bukowski

    Comment by Bex — February 5, 2013 @ 7:21 pm

  11. Haha! Love your blog!

    Comment by Selena — February 5, 2013 @ 7:24 pm


    Comment by meli — February 5, 2013 @ 8:12 pm

  13. Your blog is BY FAR my favorite. I agree with you on pretty much everything and I love your sense of humor. You’re snarky without being mean-spirited.

    Comment by Deanna — February 5, 2013 @ 8:21 pm

  14. Is it just me or does Danielle appear a bit intoxicated this group date? Her face was red, her speech slow, and when she talked with Sean she broke down…seems she had too much wine.. Jaclyn you were in the house ..what is your take on her odd behavior? If I were a betting man id say she was pretty tipsy.

    Comment by Jack — February 6, 2013 @ 12:57 am

  15. As an army brat, who has gone through hell and back, as all army families do, I wish ABC did a better job of showing Lindsay’s depth. As a child, waking up everyday straight for 8 months thinking your dad is fighting in a war and this could be the day that he isn’t so lucky changes your life. As someone else here said, Sean said much more went on and I wish we actually saw it. Anyways, it’s almost like Lindsay is getting the Arie treatment. She’s funny and clearly her and sean are attracted to each other and all they show is them kissing.

    Other than that, I love your blog! So snarky!

    Comment by Bianca — February 6, 2013 @ 4:29 am

  16. Love your honesty!! All other people’s blogs are pretty neutral, yours are clear and funny.
    Keep up the good work.

    Comment by Lam — February 6, 2013 @ 6:49 am

  17. I don’t get it – people on here bashing someone they’ve never met b/c THAT person bashed others. Hypocritical much?? And obviously Courtney is still relevant since you read AND commented on her blog. Get a life people.

    Comment by socalhh — February 6, 2013 @ 7:21 am

  18. oops, wrong blog

    Comment by socalhh — February 6, 2013 @ 7:22 am

  19. Jaclyn, you are f’ing amazing. haaaaa

    Comment by Erin — February 6, 2013 @ 7:30 am

  20. Jac,
    Good blog again. However, not so sure if I like Lindsay. . . Her voice really annoys me and I don’t know if I can ever forget how obnoxious and drunk she was the first night. I loooove Lesley and was happy Sean asked her to tell him straight up what was going on, but of course she didn’t give him straight up answers! Why didn’t anyone say that Tierra said, “I can get engaged to any guy” blah blah blah basically saying I don’t need to be here to find my husband. Grrr.

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 6, 2013 @ 7:40 am

  21. I am so hooked on your blog. It is the best. But you left out that super awkward convo between Des & Sean when she almost says something about Tierra, and then backs off. And it causes him to question if his wife is even in the room. Because really, *is* his wife even in the room? Bachelor odds say no.

    Comment by Margaret — February 6, 2013 @ 7:53 am

  22. honestly this blog might be as funny or funnier than natalie getz..that’s impressive. keep them coming!

    Comment by Andrea — February 6, 2013 @ 7:56 am

  23. You are SO WRONG! Montana IS beautiful and awesome . Please dont ever visit. We dont want to see your homely face here. Your blog sucks. You talk like a 12 year old… “totes”. I couldnt even finish it. What Ed did to you on the pad was so funny!

    Comment by hotinmontana — February 6, 2013 @ 10:01 am

  24. LOVE your blogs! You’re hilarious. I thought the same thing about Lesley being in the friend zone. Bumskies

    Comment by Shae — February 6, 2013 @ 10:07 am

  25. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has been wondering about Tierra’s forehead! Thanks for your blog, I love it!

    Comment by Christine — February 6, 2013 @ 10:44 am

  26. Love your blog, its hilarious!! Keep it up!

    Comment by vicky — February 6, 2013 @ 10:45 am

  27. Sorry that I forgot to add best dressed here peeps. This was my choice for this ep:
    1) Lesley
    2) Catherine
    3) Sarah

    Also – I am going to save my top 3 ladies for next blog.


    Comment by Jaclyn — February 6, 2013 @ 10:47 am

  28. @hotinmontana I’ve been to Montana and it is beautiful. However, if I hadn’t gone and was planning, I might change my mind based on your snotty attitude. I am not trying to be rude, but that’s just how I feel. Sorry. @Jaclyn, I am sure the majority of Montana would be happy to have you visit. :)

    Comment by Beth — February 6, 2013 @ 12:41 pm

  29. @Beth – HAHA you are amazing. Best part…is I didn’t even see the comment you were referencing because that’s how much I DON’T care about you “hotinmontana” – the alias alone is a joke. :) thanks for reading! x

    @Christine, @Shea, @Vicky – so glad you liked the ep 5 blog! preesh the comments!

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 6, 2013 @ 12:54 pm

  30. “Girlfriend is so pretty, but it’s been an awkward 4 weeks pretending I didn’t notice it.” I’m dying here, you’re hilarious. Love it, keep it up!!

    Comment by Olive — February 6, 2013 @ 3:21 pm

  31. Love your blogs. Best ones on here (along with ashley spivey’s)My friends and I watch together and pretty much say the same things you do, but you still end up cracking me up! Keep up the good writing and hope to see more of you somewhere on television/blogs!

    Comment by Natalie — February 6, 2013 @ 7:09 pm

  32. Seriously, every time I read your blog, it’s as if it came straight from my own mind! Absolutely hilarious! And I’m glad to see the hateful comments don’t bother you–if that’s what they have to do to feel better about themselves, then that’s their problem! No one is forcing them to read your blog. But perhaps someone should…it might make them be in a better mood. :)

    PS. I’m SO glad you finally said something about Tierra’s forehead! I totally agree that she really is gorgeous, but it has been totally distracting for me wondering what’s going on there! Maybe next week the mystery will be solved…

    Comment by Brittany — February 6, 2013 @ 9:50 pm

  33. hahaha funny blog!

    Comment by Lizzie — February 8, 2013 @ 9:19 am

  34. I am REALLY BEHIND in reading this week but you crack me up. I am so glad you brought up Tierra’s forehead.
    Hope you made it through the storm in one piece. :)

    Comment by Claudia — February 11, 2013 @ 11:00 am

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