Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 7

Episode 7: Somewhere over the Eyebrow Rainbow

FINALLY the girls are off to a Bachelor-esque location, and can be excited for realsies. (While the scenery in Canada was pretty, nothing about jumping into freezing cold water and getting fake frostbite is fun).

Sean be breakin’ all da rulez, by bringing all of his seamen on the seaplane with him. I love a good badass, Sean, and you truly exemplify one.

They all arrive in St. Croix and Lesley gives me a serious case of hair envy. I gotta ask her if that’s her real hair, I am starting to lose sleep over it.

The girls get to the hotel, and choose their rooms. Tierra decides to opt for the roll away fold up cot, that me thinks had bed bugs (more on this later), and she instantaneously turned from bitch to freak show. I mean, a real bitch would claim the best bed and then say fuck off, not opt for the contaminated cot and sleep in a non-bedroom. Please, the other girls totally won and were probably gloating. How to be a bitch 101. Get with it Tierra. This is a good excuse for me to slap you.

The last time I slept on a cot I was definitely paid to – and then still gave everyone hell for making me do it (minus when I was at camp, because, camp is kewl). Moral of the story is, COTS ARE FOR LOSERS.

Moving on, AshLee scores first 1 on 1 and Tierra sings “the cougars back in towwwwnnnn” – At least Tierra managed to NOT insult people ages 1-31. I still got it!

AshLee makes a reference to the time that Sean blindfolded her and carried her four steps to a different chair – It REALLY helped her open up and now she is ready for the next level. They go to the beach and dry hump for a little…dish on Tierra because, let’s be honest, Sean is really the one blindfolded, and we watch his eyebrows go from blonde to see through. No but really, his eyebrows are see through and his face is RED. Lots of forehead distractions on season 17.

We pan over to the girls who aren’t on the date, shit talking Tierra and her cot. It’s just too easy. However, I want to add that the beach chairs the girls were sitting on gave the cot a run for its money. Gnarly.

Back to AshLee and Sean – she’s purdy. Then she reveals that there is a “make or break” piece of info she has to reveal to him. The lead in was pretty dramatic, and I was seriously expecting to hear that she accidentally killed her best friend by putting an over sized jawbreaker in her mouth, then hid the body, and lied to everyone about it (if you don’t get this reference, we can’t be friends). As it turns out, she got married when she was a junior in high school, and then got divorced within a year. To me, that’s the equivalent of going to bars with a fake ID, or getting a boob job. Who cares? I love a good dramatic reveal a la “The Swan” (“OMG IM SOOOOOO BEAUUTIIIIFULLLLLL” in hysterics), but this one was a let down.

AshLee and Sean scream some cheese on the beach and the date comes to a close.

Tierra gets the next 1 on 1 date, and Lesley quips, “I hate that bitch,” and I think it’s pretty safe to say that we would get along swimmingly.

Tierra complains that she wanted to be on the beach, and not sweaty and gross in the town because something about makeup and hair? I am not sure, but she’s miz, and since I am a professional tuner outer (it comes in handy on a daily basis) I have no idea what she said. YAWN.

Tierra and Sean go for a walk in St. Croix and Tierra is sooo happy because Sean bought her the most incredible things on the first date! These things consisted of: A shell necklace, a slap bracelet and a probably a hideous caricature. I don’t know who to hate on more, Sean for being cheap or Tierra for being way too excited about these items. I honestly don’t think I would accept them. Just being honest people, I’d rather have nothing than these useless pieces of shit!

Sean gloats about Tierra’s amazing personality and I can picture all of America doing a simultaneous palm to face UGH! Tierra has no regrets, but Sean is feeling wary about her (only after multiple people have told him she sucks) and feels as though he’s been distant.

Tierra says she needs a Piña Colada, and I think she should maybe go for the Skinny Girl Marg instead. I think the “stress” of this show/the position she is putting herself in is getting to her**. (**See Chantal, Season 15).

Commercial Tangent: Do you think you are the perfect match for the next Bachelor or Bachelorette? I have a novel answer, how about Kacie B?

Next we have the group date with Des, Lindsay, and Catherine. Sean comes in to the hotel suite, wakes them up, and flashes a Polaroid in their faces with no make up on. WHAT KIND OF A SICK JOKE IS THIS!? As if the cameras weren’t enough, lets take pictures and flash those too. I get that Sean wants to see the girls with no makeup, but America is watching too soooo ummm that’s not nice. Knee to balls scenario for me.

The get in a manly man Jeep because we know that Sean is outdoorsy, and they drive to see the sunrise. They all take turns saying, “It comes fast!” “It DOES come fast!” and my immaturity, once again, kicks in.

We watch as they follow a map to stop at something called a sugar mill and an unimpressive tree house despite their screams of excitement. Des kicks it up a notch and steals most of Sean’s attention on the date. Awks for Lindsay and Catherine.

This whole date to me felt like a game of Oregon Trails and it would have been more fun to watch one of them fall off the wagon because they caught malaria while riding an ox across the ocean.

Family talk time.

Des – the girl who grew up in tents but fell in love in a teepee (come on, you can’t make this stuff up) cries because she wants Sean to go home with her, but I was confused about why she was crying? Anyone else?

Catherine – Tells us about her dad’s battle with depression and suicide – I actually cried during this – was super sad, but she is so brave for telling this story on national TV.

Lindsay – we are back to army brat and “crazy girl in the wedding dress!” – get over it Sean, I for sure am.

For a guy who asked “what does family mean to you?” 43892478392472380472389 times, he sure as hell picked some girls with intense family stories! Can’t WAIT for hometowns. Such an awkward eppy.

The next 1 on 1 date goes to Lesley, and I am a little confused by what the date is besides walking down a dirt road. They talk, they smooch, and I think that they are more friends who like to make out at this point…We’ve all been there.

Sean brings his sister to St. Croix to get advice on the girls. Me thinks she just wanted a free trip to St. Croix and a week away from the kids. I commend her for pulling this off.

Thennnnnnn Tierra and AshLee get in to the funniest/weirdest fight ever. Tierra doesn’t say good morning, and gives AshLee weird eyebrow looks on the regs. Tierra battles back by saying “SHE CANT CONTROL HER EYEBROWS” and “I CANT CONTROL WHATS ON MY FACE 100% OF THE TIME” – is anyone in America still breathing? My excitement here was greater than my excitement for the FRIGGIN CATALINA WINE MIXER! She nailed it, for all of our enjoyment, at her own expense. Thanks g!

Also, I am no Albert Einstein, but I am pretttttty sure that once you take away this Botox, I am in control of my face…which includes my eyebrows.

Tierra is hell-bent on the fact that she is ABOVE everyone else and that she doesn’t need to tear them down to excel. I seriously just think she is a social moron and should learn how to communicate with the human race. To be honest, the girls on the bachelor experience are your sanity (clearly) and some of the best friends I have ever made. It says a ton about a girl’s character when they can’t even make ONE friend on this show.

UGH. OKAY the “Sparkle” theory. This is like when your parents tell you that you are “special” and those who take insult to it are normal and those who don’t are Tierra. The only things that are supposed to sparkle in life are jewelry and clothes and MAYBS some cool lights. Remember that movie, Sparkle? With Whitney Houston (RIP) and Jordin Sparks? You probably don’t, because it failed miserably…and you Tierra also failed miserably…at life.

Sean decides it’s time to remove all sparkle, and ship Tierra off in a disgusting van. She screams “I can’t believe they did this to me!!!” – and like a typical psycho playing the victim…she’s off!

Sean reveals the news to the girls that Tierra is gone, and despite wanting to do cartwheels through the hotel, act pretty calm and collected.

The rose ceremony starts, and its clear the girls have run out of clothes. I really liked Lesley’s maxi dress, but the others were meh. Sean is so confident with his decision that he confiscates the cocktail party. Cool move brah. Nothing makes me not want to say, “I do” more.

Unfortunately we say goodbye to Lesley, and are left with the final 4 as Des, Lindsay, AshLee, and Catherine.

My top 2:
1) Catherine
2) AshLee

Til next week!
xx
Jac

Please stalk me but don’t kill me: @JaclynSwartz

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