Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 7

Episode 7: Somewhere over the Eyebrow Rainbow

FINALLY the girls are off to a Bachelor-esque location, and can be excited for realsies. (While the scenery in Canada was pretty, nothing about jumping into freezing cold water and getting fake frostbite is fun).

Sean be breakin’ all da rulez, by bringing all of his seamen on the seaplane with him. I love a good badass, Sean, and you truly exemplify one.

They all arrive in St. Croix and Lesley gives me a serious case of hair envy. I gotta ask her if that’s her real hair, I am starting to lose sleep over it.

The girls get to the hotel, and choose their rooms. Tierra decides to opt for the roll away fold up cot, that me thinks had bed bugs (more on this later), and she instantaneously turned from bitch to freak show. I mean, a real bitch would claim the best bed and then say fuck off, not opt for the contaminated cot and sleep in a non-bedroom. Please, the other girls totally won and were probably gloating. How to be a bitch 101. Get with it Tierra. This is a good excuse for me to slap you.

The last time I slept on a cot I was definitely paid to – and then still gave everyone hell for making me do it (minus when I was at camp, because, camp is kewl). Moral of the story is, COTS ARE FOR LOSERS.

Moving on, AshLee scores first 1 on 1 and Tierra sings “the cougars back in towwwwnnnn” – At least Tierra managed to NOT insult people ages 1-31. I still got it!

AshLee makes a reference to the time that Sean blindfolded her and carried her four steps to a different chair – It REALLY helped her open up and now she is ready for the next level. They go to the beach and dry hump for a little…dish on Tierra because, let’s be honest, Sean is really the one blindfolded, and we watch his eyebrows go from blonde to see through. No but really, his eyebrows are see through and his face is RED. Lots of forehead distractions on season 17.

We pan over to the girls who aren’t on the date, shit talking Tierra and her cot. It’s just too easy. However, I want to add that the beach chairs the girls were sitting on gave the cot a run for its money. Gnarly.

Back to AshLee and Sean – she’s purdy. Then she reveals that there is a “make or break” piece of info she has to reveal to him. The lead in was pretty dramatic, and I was seriously expecting to hear that she accidentally killed her best friend by putting an over sized jawbreaker in her mouth, then hid the body, and lied to everyone about it (if you don’t get this reference, we can’t be friends). As it turns out, she got married when she was a junior in high school, and then got divorced within a year. To me, that’s the equivalent of going to bars with a fake ID, or getting a boob job. Who cares? I love a good dramatic reveal a la “The Swan” (“OMG IM SOOOOOO BEAUUTIIIIFULLLLLL” in hysterics), but this one was a let down.

AshLee and Sean scream some cheese on the beach and the date comes to a close.

Tierra gets the next 1 on 1 date, and Lesley quips, “I hate that bitch,” and I think it’s pretty safe to say that we would get along swimmingly.

Tierra complains that she wanted to be on the beach, and not sweaty and gross in the town because something about makeup and hair? I am not sure, but she’s miz, and since I am a professional tuner outer (it comes in handy on a daily basis) I have no idea what she said. YAWN.

Tierra and Sean go for a walk in St. Croix and Tierra is sooo happy because Sean bought her the most incredible things on the first date! These things consisted of: A shell necklace, a slap bracelet and a probably a hideous caricature. I don’t know who to hate on more, Sean for being cheap or Tierra for being way too excited about these items. I honestly don’t think I would accept them. Just being honest people, I’d rather have nothing than these useless pieces of shit!

Sean gloats about Tierra’s amazing personality and I can picture all of America doing a simultaneous palm to face UGH! Tierra has no regrets, but Sean is feeling wary about her (only after multiple people have told him she sucks) and feels as though he’s been distant.

Tierra says she needs a Piña Colada, and I think she should maybe go for the Skinny Girl Marg instead. I think the “stress” of this show/the position she is putting herself in is getting to her**. (**See Chantal, Season 15).

Commercial Tangent: Do you think you are the perfect match for the next Bachelor or Bachelorette? I have a novel answer, how about Kacie B?

Next we have the group date with Des, Lindsay, and Catherine. Sean comes in to the hotel suite, wakes them up, and flashes a Polaroid in their faces with no make up on. WHAT KIND OF A SICK JOKE IS THIS!? As if the cameras weren’t enough, lets take pictures and flash those too. I get that Sean wants to see the girls with no makeup, but America is watching too soooo ummm that’s not nice. Knee to balls scenario for me.

The get in a manly man Jeep because we know that Sean is outdoorsy, and they drive to see the sunrise. They all take turns saying, “It comes fast!” “It DOES come fast!” and my immaturity, once again, kicks in.

We watch as they follow a map to stop at something called a sugar mill and an unimpressive tree house despite their screams of excitement. Des kicks it up a notch and steals most of Sean’s attention on the date. Awks for Lindsay and Catherine.

This whole date to me felt like a game of Oregon Trails and it would have been more fun to watch one of them fall off the wagon because they caught malaria while riding an ox across the ocean.

Family talk time.

Des – the girl who grew up in tents but fell in love in a teepee (come on, you can’t make this stuff up) cries because she wants Sean to go home with her, but I was confused about why she was crying? Anyone else?

Catherine – Tells us about her dad’s battle with depression and suicide – I actually cried during this – was super sad, but she is so brave for telling this story on national TV.

Lindsay – we are back to army brat and “crazy girl in the wedding dress!” – get over it Sean, I for sure am.

For a guy who asked “what does family mean to you?” 43892478392472380472389 times, he sure as hell picked some girls with intense family stories! Can’t WAIT for hometowns. Such an awkward eppy.

The next 1 on 1 date goes to Lesley, and I am a little confused by what the date is besides walking down a dirt road. They talk, they smooch, and I think that they are more friends who like to make out at this point…We’ve all been there.

Sean brings his sister to St. Croix to get advice on the girls. Me thinks she just wanted a free trip to St. Croix and a week away from the kids. I commend her for pulling this off.

Thennnnnnn Tierra and AshLee get in to the funniest/weirdest fight ever. Tierra doesn’t say good morning, and gives AshLee weird eyebrow looks on the regs. Tierra battles back by saying “SHE CANT CONTROL HER EYEBROWS” and “I CANT CONTROL WHATS ON MY FACE 100% OF THE TIME” – is anyone in America still breathing? My excitement here was greater than my excitement for the FRIGGIN CATALINA WINE MIXER! She nailed it, for all of our enjoyment, at her own expense. Thanks g!

Also, I am no Albert Einstein, but I am pretttttty sure that once you take away this Botox, I am in control of my face…which includes my eyebrows.

Tierra is hell-bent on the fact that she is ABOVE everyone else and that she doesn’t need to tear them down to excel. I seriously just think she is a social moron and should learn how to communicate with the human race. To be honest, the girls on the bachelor experience are your sanity (clearly) and some of the best friends I have ever made. It says a ton about a girl’s character when they can’t even make ONE friend on this show.

UGH. OKAY the “Sparkle” theory. This is like when your parents tell you that you are “special” and those who take insult to it are normal and those who don’t are Tierra. The only things that are supposed to sparkle in life are jewelry and clothes and MAYBS some cool lights. Remember that movie, Sparkle? With Whitney Houston (RIP) and Jordin Sparks? You probably don’t, because it failed miserably…and you Tierra also failed miserably…at life.

Sean decides it’s time to remove all sparkle, and ship Tierra off in a disgusting van. She screams “I can’t believe they did this to me!!!” – and like a typical psycho playing the victim…she’s off!

Sean reveals the news to the girls that Tierra is gone, and despite wanting to do cartwheels through the hotel, act pretty calm and collected.

The rose ceremony starts, and its clear the girls have run out of clothes. I really liked Lesley’s maxi dress, but the others were meh. Sean is so confident with his decision that he confiscates the cocktail party. Cool move brah. Nothing makes me not want to say, “I do” more.

Unfortunately we say goodbye to Lesley, and are left with the final 4 as Des, Lindsay, AshLee, and Catherine.

My top 2:
1) Catherine
2) AshLee

Til next week!
xx
Jac

Please stalk me but don’t kill me: @JaclynSwartz

31 Comments »

  1. That was a Step Brothers reference and did we just become best friends?

    Comment by Katie — February 13, 2013 @ 12:27 pm

  2. nice jawbreakers reference !

    Comment by Amanda — February 13, 2013 @ 12:29 pm

  3. Jawbreaker…..LMAO. I bet that the girls thought about it with Tierra, but in the end decided she would just take care of getting herself kicked off with her crazy.

    Comment by Jessica — February 13, 2013 @ 12:32 pm

  4. I love your blog. You are so funny! I love how you keep it light and sarcastic, but still seem to be able to judge these girls pretty accurately. CATHERINE for the win!

    Comment by Jennifer — February 13, 2013 @ 12:39 pm

  5. Ummm, not sure what was confusing but Des was crying because she misses and loves her family so much.

    Also, I thought Des looked flawless at the rose ceremony! Loved her classy simple dress!

    Thanks for writing as always! Love to hear your perspective!

    Comment by Michelle — February 13, 2013 @ 1:00 pm

  6. Great blog! Think you’re rather funny and I appreciate the time I spend reading these things avoiding doing any sort of work during the day. Anyhow, what were your thoughts on Catherine’s reaction to Lesley leaving? Those two are my favorites ( I typically judge them on how pretty they are and who I could hang with). Keep it up because I really do look forward to it!

    Comment by Brie — February 13, 2013 @ 1:02 pm

  7. Jawbreaker reference is spot on! Love that movie & love you Jaclyn. Tierra is just sooo miserable, I don’t see anything in regards to her having any sparkle in this or any previous episodes. No amount of polishing will revive that crown. Also how many women does Sean see himself with at the end? I’m losing count, because he says it after most one on one dates. Poligamy is still illegal, right? My vote is for Catherine.

    Comment by Jax — February 13, 2013 @ 1:11 pm

  8. Totally agree about the dirty beach chairs the girls were on. Weeds growing in the sand? Gross. The rest of the beach looked nice…wtf! My fave Tierra quote was prob when she said ‘I can’t smile 24/7, because if I did my face would frickin hurt’. Epic.

    Comment by Laura — February 13, 2013 @ 3:48 pm

  9. Every shitty aspect of Tierra aside did you fucking notice her repulsive toe nails???!! Like bitch you are on the bachelor…on the beach…in St. Croix….fighting for the beautiful and magnificent Sean Lowe…for fucks sake get a goddamn pedi! I’m sure ABC would of covered the costs and did a full blown ad for the salon while they were at it. smh.

    Love you and your blog though, too damn funny!! In fact, it may perhaps be better than the show and this a damn good season. Next weeks episode looks fucking cray can’t wait to hear your dish on the hometowns gone homewreck…sucks :/
    Besos!

    Comment by Tori — February 13, 2013 @ 5:42 pm

  10. Omfg love the Chantal 5-10 lb weight gain ref-was wondering if anyone was going to mention!

    Comment by Meredith — February 13, 2013 @ 5:45 pm

  11. I can’t believe you slid an Oregon Trail reference into a Bachelor blog! I haven’t thought about that game since the fifth grade.

    Comment by Steve — February 13, 2013 @ 8:24 pm

  12. …grew up in a tent and fell in love in a teepee. Omfg. You just tots made my day. You’re right – you can’t even make up.

    Why has Chris never ended a rose ceremony with “take a moment say your goodbyes cause you have died of dysentery.” epic Oregon trail reference in your blog.

    Comment by LP — February 13, 2013 @ 9:06 pm

  13. Love your bachelor blog post Jac. I’m always laughing and agreeing with you and your opinions about weekly bachelor episodes. I’m curious to know what was your opinion on Sweet Catherine’s tears because of her bff in the house departure Lesley? I thought it truly shows you can make strong long lasting friendships with ladies in the house. Sooo sweet #womenpower Catherine is always my #1 to the end xo

    Comment by msneeannm — February 13, 2013 @ 9:15 pm

  14. You are hilarious! Thanks for the fun blog!

    Comment by Selena — February 13, 2013 @ 10:40 pm

  15. Sorry to burst any of your bubbles, but Sean is NOT going to marry Catherine. Get over it. Not gonna happen.

    Did it ever occur to you that the reason Catherine was so upset when Lesley was let go was because that’s when Catherine realized that Sean wasn’t really looking for a wife, but a F1 that he could go through the motions with until they split up?

    If Sean does DWTS, it’ll be the final nail in the wedding coffin. I don’t care who is on DWTS, as long as they don’t let the ultimate fame-whore Emily M make another cent on TV. She’s the phoniest fake of all Bach/Bach-ettes of all seasons, even putting Pavelka to shame

    Read more at http://realitysteve.com/2013/02/13/the-bachelor-sean-spoilers-lawsuit-coverage-sean-on-dwts/#lTBEJt2vj6mwEKt3.99

    Comment by John W — February 13, 2013 @ 11:11 pm

  16. Every blog I’ve read so far has mentioned that Sean did the whole waking them up/taking pictures thing right after Lindsey told him she sleeps naked but no one seems to have noticed that while he was waking them up and snapping pictures Lindsey actually said “omg I’m naked!” I guess I’m the only one who caught that little sound bite in the background. lol

    Comment by Chrissy — February 14, 2013 @ 6:58 am

  17. OMG did you let it all hang out there this week. You are always funny but you went to a new level this week and I loved it!
    Kind of sad you didn’t bring up the weird preview of Des’ brother but you ALWAYS make me laugh.
    Love your take.
    :)

    Comment by Claudia — February 14, 2013 @ 6:59 am

  18. I am SO glad that all of you got my Step Brothers, Oregon Trail and Jawbreakers references. I LOVE relating this show to other rando things!

    @Michelle – I know she was crying because she loves her family, but I kinda felt like a lot of the convo was cut, and we were missing some pieces. It just seemed like a lot of tears for no reason.

    @Brie & @msneeannm – I didn’t think much of Catherine’s tears at the end when lesley left in terms of love. That was simply Catherine being sooo sad that her bestie was leaving. It is REALLY hard when you see your best friend go, even though you are fighting for the same guy. You become SO close on this show. When i got cut on Bachelor me and 3 other girls were BAWLING and holding eachother. Quite dramatic, but it happens. That’s why Tierra having NO friends is a huuuuuge red flag.

    @Meredith – my biggest fear going on the show is that I would get fat like Chantal did. So glad you got that one!

    @Jax- thanks! keep on keepin onnnn

    @Steve – Oregon trail takes me back to 5th grade computer class too! Best game ever. i would literally stay after school hours (ew) to play it — and when your bff died it was hysterical and traumatizing all at the same time.

    loving hearing your feedback to my blog, keep it up peeps! xoxo
    jac

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 14, 2013 @ 7:11 am

  19. How do you feel hearing about Tierra’s newly announced engagement to someone she got back with right as she left?! I’d love to hear your opinion!!!

    Comment by Taryn — February 14, 2013 @ 10:28 am

  20. @taryn – she prob has no other choice at this point :)

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 14, 2013 @ 10:37 am

  21. Since Chris B removed his comment section, can we leave snarky comments about him here?

    Comment by Question — February 14, 2013 @ 12:18 pm

  22. omg he did!!!!!!! im totally giving him shit for that.

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 14, 2013 @ 12:28 pm

  23. people definitely need to give chris b shit for taking down his comments!

    Comment by Michelle — February 14, 2013 @ 1:41 pm

  24. Jaclyn, nice job again. Best blog award for you!

    Chris B. is a weak arse to take down comments and so is the “friend” who suggested it – weak weak weak. You see bloggers disappear who can’t take the heat for their poor writing and nasty personalities.

    Jaclyn gets all the respect! Witty and funny. Ten thumbs up!

    Comment by Sarah Whitney — February 15, 2013 @ 1:16 am

  25. I look forward to reading your blog every week!!! So frickin funny!! We’d be fast friends I’m sure of it lol

    Comment by SC — February 15, 2013 @ 9:07 am

  26. Love your blog! I noticed the yuck deck chairs and hideous necklaces too. Seriously, cheap crap is not exciting even when it’s from your “share-boyfriend” to make your feel special/sparkly. Can’t wait for next week’s blog.

    Comment by another Lesley — February 15, 2013 @ 11:10 am

  27. Thanks Jacklyn. I just LOVE YOUR PERSONALITY.You have a way of describing situations that make me first giggle and then laugh out loud that I want to cry!Can’t wait to read your blog next week.

    Comment by Bobbie — February 16, 2013 @ 7:39 am

  28. First… Jac I LOVE you, seriously one of the most hilarious women ever! I would love to be your friend, or even have a friend like you! Anyway to the point… The entire time I was watching the last couple of episodes and Lesley would come on my first thought was she will probably be friends with Rachel and Jaclyn. Anddd the end. :)

    Comment by Jamie M. — February 16, 2013 @ 10:56 am

  29. Chris? I see that you took down your comments section. :)

    Look, no one takes the Bachelor franchise seriously. You played a villain on TV…ultimately, everyone knows that these are silly shows that pretty much bring out the worst of everyone. So, don’t sweat it.

    I know you are proud of your new girl, but think she is not in your league, principally because she is intellectual and policy oriented whereas you seem to be more of an anti-intellectual party guy. You’re smart, but say, not learned.

    Your gal also seems sweet and pure whereas you appear to be a promiscuous, womanizing jerk. Who knows? Opposites attract.

    If you make each other happy, who are any of us to judge?

    Comment by Chris B — February 19, 2013 @ 6:21 am

  30. Is it just me or is Chris Burkowski a douche?

    Comment by paul — February 19, 2013 @ 10:26 am

  31. No, definitely not you. He might even be a douche and a half, if that’s possible.

    Comment by Nooo — February 19, 2013 @ 10:37 am

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