Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 8

Episode 8: Sean and his amazing Technicolor skin tones

Before we delve into the hometown dates of Season 17, I highly recommend rewatching the episode and taking note of all the different facial skin tones of the one and only, Sean Lowe. It went from pale, to freckles, back to pale, to red, to orange, to bronzed to powdered. I watch this shit in HD; it’s serious.

AshLee’s Hometown

We start off our hometown dates with AshLee in Texas. Home to many bachelor alums and pageant queens – essentially the same thing.

Nothing says hometown like a tied front flannel, a dog, and a foodless picnic in a random field. We soon learn that AshLee loves to hear herself talk. She states that, “Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was.” But, this completely one sided relationship where your love dates 24 other women simultaneously has really opened up her eyes to what she’s always dreamed of. Not only that, but AshLee has been dreaming of this day as far back as she can remember! I’ve tried to dissect this sentence and I am still a little confused. Was it when she started grooming herself to be on the Bachelor 15 years ago? Was it 2 months ago when they started filming? Was it last week when she realized she was making it to hometowns? Either way, this scenario is not typically something you dream of. I am starting to worry that AshLee came on to this show with Sean’s name already tattooed on her ass and a diary full of doodle hearts and “AshLee Lowe” scribbled on repeat.

A couple of side notes:
1) When AshLee narrates, I feel like she is talking to all of America like we don’t understand English. Kind of like how I talk to my cleaning lady or my waiter at China Fun.
2) AshLee LOVES Sean. She’s screamed it on the beach, she’s shown it in the sand, and she has said it 900,000 effing times since.
3) It’s pretty obvious that AshLee thinks that the more she says, “I love you” the more she will guilt Sean into keeping her around for the win.
4) No normal guy with a penis between his legs and a brain the size of a pea would magnetize towards a girl who says she “is. IN. love. with. this. man.” I hope she stops this soon.

We move on to AshLee’s parents house…but wait, Sean and AshLee are greeted outside of the house and then proceed to walk AROUND the house for a backyard lunch. In addition, the table is definitely not outdoor furniture and rather a very indoooooorsy set of table and chairs, and all conversations were had on the outdoor porch. There are seriously only two possible scenarios here: AshLee’s family is a bunch of hoarders, hence the reason why her bottom third reads “Professional Organizer,” or, this is a stranger’s house whose residents went to work for the day (they’ll never know). This was all a little strange to me, but AshLee’s Dad’s hair made up for it. He rocked some sick spikes.

The conversation continues and AshLee relays some details about her dates to her parents. And by some, I mean like 49,032,843,920 minutes worth. She starts crying over her realization for commitment to Sean while she was drowning in a lake in Canada during a P o l a r B e a r P l u n g e (slow talker). Um, am I taking crazy pills?! I mean the line becomes so blurred when I watch this show, that I can’t tell if I am crazy for not crying over a Polar Bear Plunge or if AshLee is crazy for crying over something so insignificant and turning it into a life lesson. Then she tells her parents about the dry humping she did on the beach, and I knew I should have given myself the benefit of the doubt. A serious “where do I look” sitch.

The convo continues to flow and I seriously can’t get past these heavy wooden chairs and table sitting in the middle of this stranger’s backyard. Are they making holes in their grass? ARE THEY GONNA COME HOME FROM WORK?

Anyway, AshLee’s dad is outdoorsy and comes from a family of reverends, masters, pastors, and popes. Sean gets a boner, and then we hear again about AshLee’s family story, and Sean goes flaccid. Ugh, sorry, too easy.

AshLee goes into how she wants to marry Sean. I mean like NOW. As SOON as she can. Then she runs off to go manage her 72 fake Facebook accounts that she has been using to stalk some exes.

Catherine’s Hometown

We arrive in Seattle which is known for its coffee so I am not sure what we are doing watching Sean play football with a fish, duh. I would have rather watched them get cappuccinos with hearts in the foam. Sean likes being with Catherine because he doesn’t have to try to be the “cool guy.” I beg to differ, please try harder.

Catherine’s cute personality makes watching this less painful – and she lets Sean know that he better monong her graham cracker so her family loves him more. Wait…nope, I said that correctly. KINKAAAY.

We arrive at Catherine’s Mom’s house and I haven’t seen this much tapestry, wallpaper, and mustard yellow walls since I watched Boogie Nights.
Sean makes his way around the house with each of Catherine’s family members. He went to the dining room and got a “Welcome to the dining room!” greeting, and then he went to the kitchen where he got a “Welcome to the kitchen!!” greeting. Although, in the kitchen scene he put on a woman’s apron and looked like Strawberry (blonde) Shortcake. Seany so silly!

Catherine’s sisters get on her a little bit while having a private conversation upstairs. One is mad at the other for stealing her breast milk in order to cure her psoriasis. Bitch, could have just asked!

Wrong show.

The sister’s aren’t thrilled about the fact that Catherine has made it this far, and for someone who left 2 months ago thinking this would all be fun and games is now serious about an engagement to a man that is pretty much a stranger to them. Here, here! These chicks are on point. While they were dishing some tough love; that is what sisters do (just ask mine…more so brutal love). They raise valid points, and while Catherine is a little upset by them coming at her, it brings her back down from fairytale Bachelor land to real life where she is a gross mess and has mood swings (I would have killed my sister for that, because that is precisely my description as well).

Anyone notice that the dresser was a complete disaster? This made me laugh because when we filmed my hometown package for Bachelor Pad, my dresser was like collapsed and in shambles with clothes everywhere. Whatever, its REALITY TV, am I right am I right?

Lindsay’s Hometown

Lindsay is an army brat (drink) who is so excited to bring Sean home. Sean is excited because like the other 3 girls left he is “CRAZY” about Lindsay. You know what else Sean loves? WALKING! It really makes him feel like they are a couple. I could have KILLED it on this season. I am a really good walker.

Sean and Lindsay go eat some cupcakes and I can’t help but notice that her hair looks darker. Someone made good use of her time during her hometown layover – plus 10. They have a conversation that lasts way too long about what Sean should call Lindsay’s Dad. At this point I was yelling at the TV, JUST EFFING MAKE ONE UP. JEEEEEEEEESUS. Mister, Mark, General, Sir, Babyface, Ghost Face Killah, Sugar Tits? Like litttttterally…just pick one.

Before we get to the house, Lindsay instructs Sean the needs to get ARMY ready…Come on! Bring your green hat!

Sean prances around the field and Lindsay was doin’ her thang like she unfortunately won’t be doing in the fantasy suite. She has this unassuming confidence that I love. Pretty sure she’s a walking advertisement for Prozac but like, doesn’t need or take it…ja know what I mean? At first I felt awks watching her little army routine, but she really won me over with the sit ups for a kiss and then yelling “KISS ME HARDER” – which in this context makes no sense, but has confirmed that she is definitely a dirty talker. You go Glenn Coco.

After some more references to army brat and wedding dress, Sean speaks with Lindsay’s dad and awkwardly asks for permission to propose. Correct answer? NO. They have a nice convo, and Lindsay’s dad gifts Sean some dog tags. Like the real kind. Not the Gucci ones that Jewish boys in Long Island wear.

Lindsay’s hometown went really well and there is no way she’s not getting a rose this episode.

Des’ Hometown

Des and Sean start things off with a hike, and Sean is really excited to see Des in her element especially because he’s really…outdoorsy. I have no idea what the eff Runyon Canyon is but I know that people go on a lot of hikes there to show off their new Lulu Lemon and post pics on social media in order to look like they work out real hard.

This got me thinking about what the hell I would do on my hometown date to show me in my element. The first thing that came to mind was ordering in mac and cheese and eating it in bed. This is how I DO.

Des brings Sean to her apt and some scrawny turd shows up pretending to be her ex-bf. Forget the lame joke. I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that the morons who hired this dude thought that he was believable as Des’ ex bf. Give the girl some credit, she’s hot, and this dude is typecast for a hobbit minus the CGI size change. IE NO. Just no. Then the full frame of him standing next to Sean was just painful. Let’s be honest.

We can thank the lifetime wedgie victim for at least bringing out Sean’s angry, badass side. That got me a little hot and bothered. Not gonna lie.

Next comes Des’ family dinner, and I am just gonna cut to the chase. Her brother is fucking awful. Nate, please don’t murder me for saying that. Because seriously, I think I just risked my life.

A couple weeks ago on “Shameless,” Frank (Bill Macey, yaa nickname basis) drugs the baby to shut it up. I probz would have been reduced to doing this if I had a brother like Nate, who not only sounded very unedumacted, but was also 30 seconds away from driving down to Sunset and getting a tear drop face tat. I could also see him pulling a “Fear” and tatooing some effed up shit on his chest with a bic pen. Needless to say, I am now scared for my life but I hope you are all entertained. Keep laughing anonymously, as*holes!

Nate believes that there is no reciprocation, reciprocation, reciprocation with Sean and Des. He’s known Sean for 5 minutes and also is really intuitive so I agree. Especially when he tells Sean’s born again virgin jewels that he is a playboy. Sean’s upset because he is not a fraud. The conversation between the two of them finally ends and Nate goes to check on the meth lab he’s hiding in the basement. (I knew he looked familiar).

PS – Nate, here is your virtual gold star sticker for using reciprocation in a sentence.

Moving along, Des remains pretty composed while her brother continues to piss her off. AMEN SISTAH. I wish I had that self-control. Nate continues to blab at the table, not listen to anyone, and talk nonsense. I was a little surprised to see how little the parents intervened. But with Tierra gone, this was the highlight of the ep for me. (I bet you all missed her this ep, didn’t ya!?)

Rose Ceremony

We are back at the mansion for the Rose Ceremony. Sean prayed for clarity but didn’t get it. RUH ROH. Catherine chose the correct rose ceremony to show off dem twins, and did it in a tasteful way. I loved her dress. I also thought Des looked effortlessly hot in her sequined dress. Thumbs up ladies. Des tries to get one final word in, apologizing for her bro’s attitude, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough, and she gets sent home.

I LOVED Des, and I thought she was adorbs. Her exit was sad and I most definitely teared up which is like, extremely embarrassing, but I also cry during Mob Wives and Vanderpump Rules, so this doesn’t say much.

We are getting pretty ser now, and an engagement is around the corner.

Catherine for the win with Lindsay in a CLOSE second. AshLee may be just a leetle too much for Sean right now — lots of mushy gushy teary stuff.

PS — I must give a shout out to blog readah Rachel. She called it in my Episode 2 comments section RE: Des getting back at Sean with the ex boyf hoax. I wish I could give you a prize but this is going to have to do. Suck it up.

Til next week!
xx
Jac

Twitter/Insta: @JaclynSwartz