Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 9

Episode 9: The Non-Funtasy Fantasy Suites

So we arrive in Thigh-land and I am legit excited to see the most inaccurate portrayal of this country since Hangover 2 and Brokedown Palace.

We watch Sean recap the last 8 episodes, and honestly since I’ve been watching these episodes, taking notes and then writing these bad boys each week, I would rather watch paint dry. I think I can list out family members, family stories, and tell you where each chicks most prominent birthmarks are. It’s effing creepy.

We see Sean walk around various places in Thailand as he recaps his feelings/the same sentences repeated over and over again for each girl. But the best scene was by far him standing on the Thai version of a gondola and sailing through the open waters – I almost spit out my wine. Then we see him sit on some ledges in mantanks and sunglasses as he thinks super hard about his life. “Is there anything left to ponder?”

Lindsay is the first one to have her 1 on 1 date, and it’s pretty obvious girl needs a tutorial about how to walk in heels. An exchange of “you look cute…no you look cute…no you are…no you first” happens and I just want to be liiiike OMG HANG UP THE F*CKING PHONE.

Another reference to the wedding dress happens (drink and/or off yourself before it gets worse). Sean takes Lindsay on to an Asian golf cart that has nothing to do with golf, and at this point I would kick the driver right off of the cart and assume the date ends there. Like what could be better than driving around a rickety golf cart in Thailand? Nothing.

But surprise, they go to a Thai market which Sean thinks will be a great choice for Lindsay since all she is looking forward to is grocery shopping with Sean!!!!! EW EW EW. No. Reminder to anyone who goes on this show in the future. “I really can’t wait for our future together of yachting and private planes in 5 star hotels…” Maybe you will get the date you want.

As they walk around the market they see painted little chickies – and Sean’s like “you ain’t supposed to be pink!!!” – Sean, been saying this about you for WEEKS!
Lindsay has mentioned that she will do ANYTHING, but not eat bugs!! I wish she had been taking mental notes on this shizz as the weeks were going by. Sean aka Fear Factor Bachelor with a sick sadistic mind is like – WHAT A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HER EAT LARVAE! I’M THE BEST!

Lindsay’s like oh helllll nah…but then she’s like, I wanna win this shit and this is an amazing opportunity to make Sean realize that he can control the eff outta me and I will do anything he says. I actually think Sean’s playing a game, lik…how far will these chicks go? Next up, sex change. “At first I was really opposed to a sex change, but then seeing Sean do it first, it really gave me the strength and courage to power through. I can do anything with Sean’s support!”

Speaking of sex changes, this picture should be appropriate placed here. Sean pretending to “hold a microphone” slash he has really good form. Like, scary good form.

Back to the bugs. In the good ole words of Meatloaf, “I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” Lindsay eats the skewers of unknown, and seriously, it’s at this point I’d ditch the market and be like bitch get me some pad see ew. This date is just going south.

We watch them learn how to say thank you in Thai which consisted of “ka?” “kaaa” “kaa!” and then we have a change of scenery to a place called Monkey Beach, and all of America prays that one goes rabid and the date comes to a premature close.

They feed the monkeys who are legit SOOO effing cute, and I actually get jealous. Like when there are actual monkeys involved, jealousy is OK. Legit turned into Veruca Salt mode at this point. They share a make out sesh in a gorgeous setting, and Lindsay is really nervous because she wants to tell Sean she loves him.

Another scene switch happens and Sean and Lindsay arrive at some boat show slash light show, which was like my Lite Brite on steroids. My 7-year-old self would totes bet you that I could recreate that on my toy. But my 7-year-old self wouldn’t have immediately wanted molly when watching this scene. Hey umm pass the pacifier, lollipops, and neon slutty clothes please. I’m reeeeadaaay to parrrrrrtaaaaay (Insert Kristen Wiig voice here).

Lindsay is, again, ready to tell Sean she loves him when some bizarro parade/dance team enters and interrupts her mojo. I am not sure who hired entertainment, but I am pretty sure it was Chinese and not Thai. Either way, I have no idea where the eff Sean and Lindsay are at this point and I feel like I am in watching some shitty movie where everything goes wrong and by the end of the 2 hours you have 6 new stress break outs and no nails left. Remember that movie “Just Married” – well, that’s precisely what this is to me. (RIP Britt Murph. Sidenote: still confused what happened there – LIKE was the case closed? What about that weirdo boyfriend that also died like a week apart? JW).

Lindsay ends up accepting the fantasy suite, Sean asks her about getting a house…she says she has everything “open” (but does she!?) and then tells Sean she loves him…to which he replies with “I love hearing you say that.” BAHAHA – its so funny how any girl in every relationship in this entire galaxy would want to drop dead (the bad dead) after hearing that response, but in Bachelor world….elation!!!!!

Now…EVERYONE swallow your pill concoctions…it’s time for AshLee’s date.

We hear, again, about her issues as a child, and she overuses the word abandonment. Like 84392484032402 effing times. ABANDONMENT. Like, the joke happened weeks ago, so I can’t really reuse it…bottom line…it was said A LOT, and every time she says it….you can see Sean wanting to get out of there an hour sooner than before…

We hear a ton of love analogies and then Sean’s like surrrrrprise, we are totes diving into this black cave. AshLee bitches that she doesn’t “do” caves…she also doesn’t “do” adventure, activity, fun, and Sean in the fantasy suite. Things she DOES do, closets, structure, organization and did I say structure?

Being in the cave with Sean makes her feel whole…while at home we are all feeling empty…very empty inside. Is this over yet? Cut to lots of “I. love. this. man” “I. will. marry. this. man.” “I. will. spend. the. rest. of. my. life. with. this. man.” – and all I can think about is how happy Sean is now that he didn’t choose her. I’m offish scaredy pants.

AshLee says that she is glad she waited, and its supes awkward sauce regarding that first marriage she’s ignoring that we heard about ad nauseum for the past 3 weeks. Next up she describes the ring she wants, her ring finger size…annnnd… it’s pretty clear Sean is shitting himself. “I. am. going. to. murder. this. man.”

—-Anxiety attack—-

Hellooooooooooooo Catherine! Her energy with Sean is seriously so effing refreshing after the last 20 minutes. And luckily, Sean notices this too. I love Catherine, buuuuuuuuuuuut I wasn’t THRILLED with how that white bathing suit top looked with the cover up. Kind of apron like, but in all seriousness, if that’s the worst I can say, you’re in good shape homegirl.

THEY’RE ON A BOAT, and they have a convo about silly vs. serious yada yada yada. Sean’s all “I like your weirdness!” and I thought he said weenus, and I giggled like an effing idiot. They have some serious talks about her moving to Dallas, and then they have kissy time on the boat where Sean lizard tongued the shit out of Catherine and I screamed like I was watching “The Ring” and prayed for it to end.

Also – Girls who can do back flips off boats into the ocean? Plus 943042849384 I’m totes cool and low maintenance points. I need to learn how do that stat. It’s not going to happen. I’ll stick to practicing twitter.

Lightning strikes the water, and I am convinced everyone is going to die. Clearly they don’t care and start making out. Holy eff. Am I turning into AshLee?!

Catherine takes the fantasy suite and they have a discussion about where the relationship will be in 5 years.

I’m no Zoltar Machine, but I am not feeling too confident in Catherine’s answer of kids and family. Hoping *if she wins* they can prove my “Where they will be in 5 years” theory wrong:

1) A people magazine cover saying “Why I Cheated”
vs.
2) A people magazine cover saying “I’M GAY!” with Sean on the cover sporting a shit eating grin a la Lance Bass.

Catherine tells a story about how she gets made fun of for being fat, and like all the real fat girls in America immediately go on juice cleanses. OY!

It was pretty humbling to see how she thought a guy like Sean couldn’t possibly like a girl like her. I swear I just put too much sirracha on my dinner, and those are NOT tears.

Commercial break tangent: WHAT THE HELL is this Oz the Great and Powerful plug? Def trippin. Still on da molly.

Sean knows who he’s going to send home…and he keeps saying that it “KILLS HIM TO THINK ABOUT IT” – so we know it’s AshLee.

We watch the girls’ video messages, which seriously serve NO purpose. Here is the summary:

Lindsay – wedding dress, crazy, you met my family! I love you, full circle to wedding dress.

AshLee – a death threat

Catherine – you give me the “wiggles” – which is either a cuter way of saying “lady tingles” or a random reference to those 4 color-coded pedophiles that are on shrooms and sing songs about mashed potatoes – magically silencing all kids across the country.

Sean ends up sending AshLee home and she honestly wins me back over when she tells Sean to “JUST STAY THERE.” I only know he hasn’t since been murdered because I see him tweet.

A few notes:

1) What the HELL is going on with the fantasy suites? The past 2 seasons (Sean’s & Emily’s) have been so uneventful. Chlorophyll? More like BORophyll. SER. If I am accepting a proposal from someone you most certainly can bed I am making sure they are good in bed first.

2) Did ANY of the girls’ speeches about why they are accepting the fantasy suite make any sense? Because I thought they were speaking in tongue. Negative sense.

3) Let’s rename the fantasy suite, the time suite, shall we?

4) Lastly…its SO effing creepy that the fantasy suite note comes from CH. Did anyone consider a “from Sean” scenario?

We are now down to 2 girls, and the material is dwindling. Lots of mush and engagement talk. Sticking with my guns on Catherine. I can tell by the way Sean is with her. Linds is adorbs too though!

Til next week for some WTA batshit cray cray!!!!! YES PLEASE. Missin ze sparkle.

PS thanks Catherine for proving that Asians are good at math. I was stumped after 11×11. I miss the mad minute.

PPS I started my own bloggyblog! More of this, but applied to things other than Bachelor. Ch Ch Check it – Blondhairdontcare.com

XX

Jac

Twitter/Instagram: @JaclynSwartz

Jaclyn Swartz

65 Comments »

  1. Hilarious! ” i would do anything for love but I won’t do that” from Meatloaf had me in tears.
    I wouldn’t have done the polar bear plunge or eat bugs.

    Comment by Melissa — February 27, 2013 @ 11:00 am

  2. Totally agree with the ‘lizard’ kissing…so gross.

    But J, what is with your vocabulary? ‘totes’, ‘adorbs’, ‘awkward sauce’?? Who talks like that, I mean beyond high school maybe? I would enjoy your perspective more if you wrote/spoke your age. Just saying.

    Comment by Julie — February 27, 2013 @ 11:23 am

  3. Oh Jax! You know I love you and your blogs. The thing Lindsay and Sean were riding in was not a golf cart, but rather a tuk tuk (AKA automatic rickshaw). I guess golf cart is close enough…. Anyway, I swear we are related somehow because I like the same things you do. Seriously. Pad See Ew is the sh!t and I pour sriracha on my dinner all the time. Also, I had a Lite Brite. LOL. We’d get a long so well. I realize all that sounds weird and makes me sound like a creep, but I promise I’m not. :) As for the actual show, I don’t prefer one girl over the other. Both Catherine and Lindsay are wonderful. All I can say is I hope Sean makes the right decision for him and is very happy.

    Comment by Beth H. — February 27, 2013 @ 11:31 am

  4. Your Bachelor blog is by far my favorite. But I’m enjoying blondhairdontcare also. You’re so hilarious and these always make my day!

    Comment by Abby — February 27, 2013 @ 11:31 am

  5. Hilarious! So. Freaking. Hilarious! Keep ‘em coming!

    Comment by Michelle — February 27, 2013 @ 11:40 am

  6. Catherine FTW! Sean and Catherine’s are like 80′s romantic movie, Hunk meets the Geek. Very endearing and refreshing indeed!

    Comment by Lesley — February 27, 2013 @ 11:42 am

  7. I know how you feel about being such a stalker, every tuesday i go on your twitter to see if you posted your blog and start stalking your twitter page……i don’t usually do that so very creepy indeed, anywho, great blog, I must say I agree with all that is being said on this here which is pretty rare. Great writing and congrats on the new blog.
    Well done gurlfran’
    Xx

    Comment by Caroline — February 27, 2013 @ 11:44 am

  8. Why do you like Lindsay so much, I try to like her and every episode I am reminded why I strongly dislike her, ugh.
    – great blog again this week. Always entertaining.
    **cant wait for women tell all!!!!!

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 27, 2013 @ 11:45 am

  9. Your blog makes me LOL in the office. I appreciate that a lot, since my job sucks!
    Just wondering, were you ever into Ben, like, even a little? Rando question, I know. Just wondering. I kind of loved him on Ashley’s season and then hated him on his own. What do the ladies of his season think of him?

    Comment by Amanda — February 27, 2013 @ 11:47 am

  10. Hello,

    Ok so the whole time Lindsay was trying to eat the larve my mind would only fast forward to what was going to happen with her next poop? And that is nothing I should be thinking of while watching the show, yikes! Yeah, so what about Brittany Murphys creepy husband? You know, it’s not so creepy that he died a few months later, but that he died from the SAME EXACT RANDOM THING!! I mean come on what are the odds? Pneumonia!! Two youngish people keel over from that 5 months apart! I hope her mom (husband’s secret lover) bought some lotto tickets. I like AshLee and think she is way gorgeous, but um yeah, scary. When Sean gave the rose to Catherine and i saw the look Ashlee was giving, omg, I had mad flashbacks to my mom staring me down and screaming at me as a teen. I thought, omg, her poor future kids, I feel so bad for the looks they are going to get when they don’t put their toys away in the correct color coated bin! Catherine. Yeah, they had way more fun and she seems really cool. I also thought it was cute of her to say that she never gets the hunk and she can’t believe this twist of fate now. CATHERINE IS WORTHY OF A HUNK AND SHAME ON ANYONE WHO EVER TOLD HER OTHERIWSE! Yeah, and the OZ commercial? WTH does Chris Harrison have to do with it? And why did they make it look like part of the show. I swear. I fast forwarded it. Then had to rewind cause apparently it wasn’t going to commercial and was still the show. Only to realize it WAS a commercial. And then had to fast forward again past the commercials. Jeez. I don’t want to have to think that much while watching this show!

    Have a fun week! Can’t wait for next week’s shiz!
    Heather

    Comment by Heather — February 27, 2013 @ 11:47 am

  11. Thank you for pointing out how creepy it is to have CH send the fantasy suite invitation. He seemed mia this episode – they were totally left to figure out that 2 roses minutes 1 rose equals “ladies, Sean, this is the final rose left” on their own!

    Comment by Colleen — February 27, 2013 @ 11:55 am

  12. @heather – you just had me LOLING for reals.

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 27, 2013 @ 12:11 pm

  13. Lindsay – wedding dress, crazy, you met my family! I love you, full circle to wedding dress.

    AshLee – a death threat

    Bwahahaha! Amazeballs blog! I love the way your brain works!

    @heather color coded bins lmao!

    Comment by Vanessa — February 27, 2013 @ 12:35 pm

  14. I like Sean, but I think he’d be one real tough mother effer to be married to. Didn’t Selma say something along the lines of him telling her that he wanted to be in control in the relationship? I’m pretty sure he did. And the ish he made the girls do!? To top it all off, having Lindsay eat the bugs even though he knew she didn’t want to?! Da eff. Lindsay’s face was hilarious. I love her.

    My two favorite girls made the final two, so I’m happy with whoever, but I do really think Lindsay might make more sense for him, especially if he wants long term. Wait. Who am I kidding? This is the bachelor. What is long term? 4 months!? Sounds about right!

    One thing that aggravated the poop out of me was when Sean and Catherine were talking about what her sisters said in Seattle, which to be honest, I think is true. I just don’t think Catherine is ready for marriage or babies like she claims. But anyways, she literally didn’t even look him in the eyes for that whole conversation! Lesley Junior! So annoying. Her proclamation of her weirdness is getting a tad old too, but hey! Only two more weeks! Another thing that aggravates me is that it genuinely seems like Sean “loves” his final two girls, it may just be me who thinks that, but I think he really digs both of them. It does seem like he does a little bit more with Catherine, but still. You’re going to propose to one of them even if you “love” the other one? Doesn’t make sense. I’m sure whoever he picks is really going to love it when she sees Sean basically tell his mom he can’t decide between the two.

    I effing LOVED the way AshLee left. It just came off so badass and I loved it. For a girl who cried in every single episode at least three times, I thought it was awesome. Perfect way to go out. I don’t need your controlling ass. I need someone I can control. Crazy AshLee. And for the first time all season I loved her.

    Comment by Casey — February 27, 2013 @ 12:40 pm

  15. I cannot believe you like Lindsay! Futhermore, I cannot believe you have not mentioned her effing baby talking! It drives me bonkers! And Ashlee, what a crazy! Catherine has to “win!” I’m just not that happy with Sean’s picks! Who do you think will be the next bachelorette?

    Comment by Candy Haynes — February 27, 2013 @ 12:43 pm

  16. Oh and Catherine, could you please stop biting your lip when you smile…it’s kinda cute (just bc your cute) but super annoying!

    Comment by Candy — February 27, 2013 @ 12:48 pm

  17. Has anyone noticed that all three of the final girls have really annoying voices? AshLee sounds like a 80 year old southern woman and to add more annoyance, has a bit of Kardashian in her voice. Lindsay has a baby voice 80% of the time. It’s hard to describe Catherine’s voice, but it’s just as annoying and her laugh scares me. If I had to dump one based off her voice, it’d probably be AshLee. Good Lord.

    Comment by Meg — February 27, 2013 @ 12:59 pm

  18. This is the best, and most hilarious recap to the most boring season yet. Sean is quickly becoming very unattractive, and downright mean…try to act like a gentleman. No wonder he is still single. Being physically good looking, and a “good guy,” does not make you marriage material. And, those 3 gals don’t sound like grandmas, but rather like 12 year old valley girls. Talk like grownups please.

    Comment by Karen — February 27, 2013 @ 1:53 pm

  19. The perfect blog for my high school teenager. Then again…probably not. I agree with Julie. You still speak as you are 15, okay I’ll give you 16.

    Comment by sadie — February 27, 2013 @ 2:26 pm

  20. Your blogs are the most exciting events to come from this season of the Bachelor, thanks for taking the time to write them! You are hilarious.
    Just throwing this out there, what’s the big deal about how Jaclyn writes her blogs? She isn’t writing for a high end publisher, she is writing for any fans who enjoy Jaclyn’s honesty and witty sense of humor. Her personality is well represented in her writing. It’s done for fun! How she writes it shouldn’t be taken so seriously……..because, well, it isn’t serious.
    Can’t wait for next week’s blog! :)

    Comment by Jessie — February 27, 2013 @ 3:55 pm

  21. you seriously make me cry from laughing so hard! love your witty comments!

    Comment by Kelly — February 27, 2013 @ 3:59 pm

  22. I agree with Julie and Sadie. The language on this blog is pathetic. Talking like you’re Perez on booze. News flash – you’re on people’s last nerves w/your dumb abbrevs.

    Comment by Sarah Whitney — February 27, 2013 @ 4:00 pm

  23. Swear to God I live for your blog each week! I literally laughed through the whole thing! You’re so legit Jaclyn! Haha!

    Comment by Christi — February 27, 2013 @ 4:08 pm

  24. Haha people being so “sensi” about the abbreves. If you have been reading from the beginning…I basically disclosed that I talk in abbreves so of you don’t like it DON’T read it. The beauty of it all? It’s my blog so I can do what I want.

    I write how I’d talk about this show in a group of friends. And that’s that.

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 27, 2013 @ 4:24 pm

  25. “AshLee- A death Threat” Bahahaha! Literally LOL’d. I freaking love your recaps and I also love your new blog. I do disagree on the fantasy suite. No way in hell am I sleeping with the guy who the night before slept with someone else. Um, peace out. Thanks for the laughs.

    Comment by ShaLane — February 27, 2013 @ 5:28 pm

  26. it’s one thing to write in abbreviations to save time/key strokes but this is a case of you trying too hard to I don’t know, be cool? be current? i get the kind of vibe you are trying to get across, but you are really over doing it. try a ‘less is more’ approach, otherwise, you really do just sound ‘ridic’. omg i officially hate myself now.

    Comment by Julie — February 27, 2013 @ 6:09 pm

  27. Pretty sure Jaclyn didn’t invite anyone to this blog. You all found it on your own…so I’m pretty sure you can figure out how to exit it if you have such an issue. It’s for ENTERTAINMENT… so lay off how she writes. Or just stop reading it. Pretty simple.

    Jaclyn. I afore your blogs. So funny and pretty spot on to what I’m thinking usually! Although… Ashlee’s exit was a little Cray Cray.

    Comment by Brookie — February 27, 2013 @ 6:39 pm

  28. Love your bachelor blog! Spot on every week. He fixed her brokenness? Or something like that. Ugh!

    Now I find myself reading blondhairdontcare.com when I’m annoyed with work (all the time). Did you watch vanderpump rules??

    Comment by Jordan — February 27, 2013 @ 8:10 pm

  29. Hey Jaclyn – I know that I don’t *have* to come to your blog and read it but I just thought I would choose to do so and then tell you how lame your abbrevs are. Because I have nothing better to do with my time, apparently. It’s just, like … really pathetic you know? YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO BE CURRENT, AREN’T YOU? Totally figured you out. Probs just your abandonment issues surfacing.

    (sidenote: extreme sarcasm for those who aren’t fluent; people? can’t)

    Comment by Kandace — February 28, 2013 @ 5:20 am

  30. People who crave attention are going to get all kinds of feedback, so don’t blog or read comments if ya can’t take it. Same goes for the commentators/friends who are whining on here. That said … definitely agree that Jaclyn is trying too hard to be trendy and cool with the abbreviations and cray-cray words.

    Comment by marti — February 28, 2013 @ 6:26 am

  31. You totes write LIKE an effing idiot. Unforts you thinks ya funny. Awks sauce.

    Comment by Sarah — February 28, 2013 @ 7:54 am

  32. Oh jackie. You need to start acting your age and acting like a lady. Your personality is so unnattractive and not cute at all, to women or men. You come off so trashy. Trashy, used, trying to forget it. You can’t help it. But covering it up with useless tween slang won’t do it. You’re superficial and ugly and you know it.

    Comment by Sarah — February 28, 2013 @ 8:02 am

  33. For the record, I love the abbrevs.

    Comment by Katie — February 28, 2013 @ 8:44 am

  34. Jackie,

    Jealous much?

    “You’re superficial and ugly and you know it.”
    You nailed it Sarah.

    Comment by Barney — February 28, 2013 @ 8:54 am

  35. What is wrong with these people bashing the way you write?

    This blog is meant to be FUNNY, RIDICULOUS, SARCASTIC, and in a way, HILARIOUSLY STUPID. This is the freaking BACHELOR. How can someone be completely serious when they blog about it? You think that Sean really knew after 8 weeks of dating someone that he was going to marry her?! PLEASE. The real relationship starts after the whole fantasy world is over and that’s why there’s only two, well technically three, couples that are married.

    I LOVE reading your blog. It is exactly how my friends and I talk while we’re watching the show together on Monday nights. It’s hilarious reading what you have to say. Totes keep it up!

    Comment by Meg — February 28, 2013 @ 9:00 am

  36. Uh-may-zing, per ushe.

    Comment by Nola — February 28, 2013 @ 9:28 am

  37. haha i love the debates, they kill me! Thanks for the support guys…and those who love abbreves (best debate ever). Just came back to read through them all. Nothing about this blog is serious, and therefore, I don’t write in a serious way. @Meg, nailed it. Thanks @Nola for spelling out “per ushe” because that abbrev usually stumps me, but now that I know it I will most definitely include it in next weeks blog!! :)

    I am so glad I can give people a few laughs, it’s totally (totes) what I am here for. Just to give you some light entertainment – despite the fact that I choose to write in abbreviations, it takes me a long ass time to write these puppies up.

    I am so sorry for those who were just SO AFFECTED by the way I write. I sincerely hope I didn’t ruin your day! But this isn’t English class…If I wanted to write properly, I could. Trust me.

    Comment by Jaclyn — February 28, 2013 @ 1:26 pm

  38. team abbreves!!!!

    Comment by Katie — February 28, 2013 @ 3:19 pm

  39. team dumb bahahaha

    Comment by marti — February 28, 2013 @ 4:47 pm

  40. totes awkwardsauce 4 realz cuz i am smert and cen rite so effing eff off. U are stu & if u don leek mi riten, eff off for realz u cray cray peeps.

    Comment by Ja — February 28, 2013 @ 4:54 pm

  41. Jaclyn, this is the first blog of your I’ve read, since I was curious about your comment on the mis-representation of Thailand. Have you been? I was offended when Ashley (another season) wore a tiny skirt and tank top to a temple. Southern Thailand’s more used to the tourists, but it was curious that the light show parade floats were described as “traditional”. I also wanted to show appreciation for you blogging on this, and adding to our entertainment. THanks!

    Comment by Also Susan — February 28, 2013 @ 10:47 pm

  42. Pathetic, immature writing. You come across like a high school girl trying to be cool. Grow up. And time to go away, unless you plan on making an a** of yourself again on yet another reality show. I know I don’t have to read your blog, but it gives me a good chuckle. Then I go and read the good ones, like Stag, RS, Jen Frase and Jen Marcus.

    Comment by kristina — March 1, 2013 @ 6:00 am

  43. Sometimes I’m not sure what the heck you are saying. And I’m so glad there are women like AshLee and Catherine who have enough sense and class not to have sex on national television.

    Comment by Annie — March 1, 2013 @ 1:47 pm

  44. Kristina–
    Stagliano writes in all caps with five hundred exclamation marks and you’re calling Jaclyn’s blog childish? Say the abbreviations or writing style aren’t your style if you MUST comment on a blog you don’t like, but most of you making negative comments are bullying. “ugly,” immature,” “an ass”– those all sound like comments that could be used to describe the “style” of writing exhibited in some of the more ridiculous comments above. Jaclyn writes this blog for fun. Lighten up. It’s a little disturbing that the blog of a funny woman we used to watch on The Bachelor is so upsetting to some people.
    That being said, fun blog! Appreciate your honesty and sarcasm. Also, you can quite clearly tell that you know how to write. You are much more articulate and able to string a sentence together than many of your peers on this site.

    Comment by Katlyn — March 1, 2013 @ 1:54 pm

  45. Kat you must be Jac’s BFF you are so upset and you sound just like her.

    Comment by Jack — March 1, 2013 @ 3:27 pm

  46. At least Jac doesn’t delete her comments like some people *cough Chris Burpcowski cough*

    Look. She writes the blogs for fun. This blog was fun to read, like Spivey’s. I hope she doesn’t change for anyone. The abbrevs are fun.

    Seriously if you need to look to Bachelor franchise for your mental stimulation, you really have no grounds to criticize Jac’s intellectual abilities.

    Comment by Jac Fan — March 1, 2013 @ 3:41 pm

  47. It’s sad how the mean girls go on TV and think everyone loves them. Then they are surprised to find snark doesn’t impress — oh dear. Life has some tough knocks.

    Comment by Lyn — March 1, 2013 @ 3:50 pm

  48. I am just gratified that I don’t have to read another blog about Tenley’s recipes or Chris Burkowski’s insightful musings about women.

    Really, we only have four bloggers left: Michael, Courtney, Jaclyn, and that other blonde chic. Don’t chase off Jaclyn with your mean, snide comments!

    I mean no one else has the time on their hands to perform the public service of writing a bachelor recap, without which none of our lives would be complete.

    Seriously, if you jumped Ed on national TV, wouldn’t you want to extend your 15 minutes by writing a blog? I know a would, so shush up you meanies.

    Comment by Sarcastically Honest — March 1, 2013 @ 3:51 pm

  49. But I thought mean girls were supposed to be cool. That’s what I learned by watching Gossip Girl, Legally Blonde, Clueless, 90210, Sex in the City, Different World, and the Carrie Diaries.

    I thought being superficial, arrogant, fake, snide, and having sex on TV were supposed to be what cool kids did?

    Comment by McSize this — March 1, 2013 @ 3:55 pm

  50. Wrong. Ashley deleted her comments on some weeks. Nice try though LOLOL.

    Comment by To Jac Fan — March 1, 2013 @ 3:57 pm

  51. I had sex on television too. In fact, I gave STDs to Ed. It was the gift that kept on giving. You’re welcome, Jaclyn.

    Comment by Sex on TV — March 1, 2013 @ 3:57 pm

  52. Yes, but Jaclyn hasn’t deleted hers.

    Comment by Jac Fan — March 1, 2013 @ 3:58 pm

  53. So you brought up Ashley Spivey because she is like Chris Bukowski and deleted her comments? You must be an Ashley hater. She’s gone. Nobody cares about her. Buh-bye.

    Comment by To Jac Fan — March 1, 2013 @ 4:03 pm

  54. This is what I said:

    At least Jac doesn’t delete her comments like some people *cough Chris Burpcowski cough

    I like Ashley’s blogs. Never knew she deleted her comments. Thanks for the tip.

    Comment by Jac Fan — March 1, 2013 @ 4:04 pm

  55. Wait a sec, isn’t having sex on TV what gets someone a blog and a buncha fans? Am I missing something?

    Comment by Dick — March 1, 2013 @ 4:05 pm

  56. The best bachelor blogger is on twop, and he is very articulate and hilarious not a total wannabe like Jaclyn, sorry no offense J but I have to agree that your immature writing isa total turnoff. And i know I don’t have to read it but I came across it and it just irritates me that someone that writes as badly as you can have a blog.

    Comment by Carol — March 1, 2013 @ 4:54 pm

  57. The best blog by far!!! I usually don’t laugh out loud to blogs, but damn girl, this time I did.
    It cracked me up your summary of the video messages and especially the fact why you know Sean is not murdered yet! I don’t know how you get all these amazing comical ideas for every episode, because the episode in itself wasn’t fun.

    What surprises me you didn’t even comment on Ashlees boobs. When she was being interviewed during her day-date time my eyes were on her boobs only, I couldn’t even see her face and I’m a straight girl. At rose ceremony too.

    Comment by SJ — March 2, 2013 @ 4:42 am

  58. Hi, Sj,

    I totally agree. I am a straight girl too and all I could see was Ashlee’s boobs. I mean, cover those things up. Lots of boobage in the bikini and in her other tops, like spilling out. I guess when all else fails, whip out the girls.

    Comment by laney — March 2, 2013 @ 8:53 am

  59. favorite Bachelor blog! Fantastic sense of humor. I’m so addicted to the show and like to think that if I can cynically make fun of it, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. Thanks for helping me out!

    Comment by Sue Wolf — March 4, 2013 @ 1:31 pm

  60. Hey Jaclyn, So obvious by your snide comments & CAPS here that it’s YOU that can’t take it & the one that’s ‘SO AFFECTED’…Bwahahaha! Also obvious that you and/or your acquaintences have written many of the positive comments here..giving yourself a pat? It only shows your true character..very vain. Your WHOLE blog is negative, hateful, attacking, mean, etc; and, if The Bachelor is so bad then DON’T watch it! Calling Shawn gay is what you call entertainment? Wow! If it’s really what you say you and your so-called friends talk about, then you all really should join a dance group or find a hobby that’s uplifting. In the long run, it might help you in the men dept. too:)

    Comment by Cammy — March 5, 2013 @ 7:30 am

  61. I saw on the other blogs that people are accusing you of lifting Perez Hilton’s work. Please stop. That is his trademark.

    He uses words like LOLZ and SADZ and other ABBREVZ because his name is PereZ. The Z is his trademark.

    He could sue you for copyright infringement and win since you are ripping off his style. It would be the same principle if another comedian were to lead every joke with, “What is the deal with…” That’s Seinfeld’ line.

    Really you need to knock if off. Your style is cute, but it is not your own. You are stealing from Perez. I am surprised the franchise hasn’t already called you out on this.

    Comment by To Jaclyn — March 6, 2013 @ 5:00 pm

  62. are these comments actaully serious? Like people are this worked up about a blog about the bachelor?…ummmm alrighty then.

    Hilarious, brillant, totally sarcastic–you and Natalie write the best! Look forward to them each week.

    Comment by Andrea — March 8, 2013 @ 11:04 am

  63. hi jaclyn…. where’ve you been? the other blogs just don’t cut it!

    Comment by ruth — March 19, 2013 @ 6:55 am

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