Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 9

Episode 9: The Non-Funtasy Fantasy Suites

So we arrive in Thigh-land and I am legit excited to see the most inaccurate portrayal of this country since Hangover 2 and Brokedown Palace.

We watch Sean recap the last 8 episodes, and honestly since I’ve been watching these episodes, taking notes and then writing these bad boys each week, I would rather watch paint dry. I think I can list out family members, family stories, and tell you where each chicks most prominent birthmarks are. It’s effing creepy.

We see Sean walk around various places in Thailand as he recaps his feelings/the same sentences repeated over and over again for each girl. But the best scene was by far him standing on the Thai version of a gondola and sailing through the open waters – I almost spit out my wine. Then we see him sit on some ledges in mantanks and sunglasses as he thinks super hard about his life. “Is there anything left to ponder?”

Lindsay is the first one to have her 1 on 1 date, and it’s pretty obvious girl needs a tutorial about how to walk in heels. An exchange of “you look cute…no you look cute…no you are…no you first” happens and I just want to be liiiike OMG HANG UP THE F*CKING PHONE.

Another reference to the wedding dress happens (drink and/or off yourself before it gets worse). Sean takes Lindsay on to an Asian golf cart that has nothing to do with golf, and at this point I would kick the driver right off of the cart and assume the date ends there. Like what could be better than driving around a rickety golf cart in Thailand? Nothing.

But surprise, they go to a Thai market which Sean thinks will be a great choice for Lindsay since all she is looking forward to is grocery shopping with Sean!!!!! EW EW EW. No. Reminder to anyone who goes on this show in the future. “I really can’t wait for our future together of yachting and private planes in 5 star hotels…” Maybe you will get the date you want.

As they walk around the market they see painted little chickies – and Sean’s like “you ain’t supposed to be pink!!!” – Sean, been saying this about you for WEEKS!
Lindsay has mentioned that she will do ANYTHING, but not eat bugs!! I wish she had been taking mental notes on this shizz as the weeks were going by. Sean aka Fear Factor Bachelor with a sick sadistic mind is like – WHAT A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HER EAT LARVAE! I’M THE BEST!

Lindsay’s like oh helllll nah…but then she’s like, I wanna win this shit and this is an amazing opportunity to make Sean realize that he can control the eff outta me and I will do anything he says. I actually think Sean’s playing a game, lik…how far will these chicks go? Next up, sex change. “At first I was really opposed to a sex change, but then seeing Sean do it first, it really gave me the strength and courage to power through. I can do anything with Sean’s support!”

Speaking of sex changes, this picture should be appropriate placed here. Sean pretending to “hold a microphone” slash he has really good form. Like, scary good form.

Back to the bugs. In the good ole words of Meatloaf, “I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” Lindsay eats the skewers of unknown, and seriously, it’s at this point I’d ditch the market and be like bitch get me some pad see ew. This date is just going south.

We watch them learn how to say thank you in Thai which consisted of “ka?” “kaaa” “kaa!” and then we have a change of scenery to a place called Monkey Beach, and all of America prays that one goes rabid and the date comes to a premature close.

They feed the monkeys who are legit SOOO effing cute, and I actually get jealous. Like when there are actual monkeys involved, jealousy is OK. Legit turned into Veruca Salt mode at this point. They share a make out sesh in a gorgeous setting, and Lindsay is really nervous because she wants to tell Sean she loves him.

Another scene switch happens and Sean and Lindsay arrive at some boat show slash light show, which was like my Lite Brite on steroids. My 7-year-old self would totes bet you that I could recreate that on my toy. But my 7-year-old self wouldn’t have immediately wanted molly when watching this scene. Hey umm pass the pacifier, lollipops, and neon slutty clothes please. I’m reeeeadaaay to parrrrrrtaaaaay (Insert Kristen Wiig voice here).

Lindsay is, again, ready to tell Sean she loves him when some bizarro parade/dance team enters and interrupts her mojo. I am not sure who hired entertainment, but I am pretty sure it was Chinese and not Thai. Either way, I have no idea where the eff Sean and Lindsay are at this point and I feel like I am in watching some shitty movie where everything goes wrong and by the end of the 2 hours you have 6 new stress break outs and no nails left. Remember that movie “Just Married” – well, that’s precisely what this is to me. (RIP Britt Murph. Sidenote: still confused what happened there – LIKE was the case closed? What about that weirdo boyfriend that also died like a week apart? JW).

Lindsay ends up accepting the fantasy suite, Sean asks her about getting a house…she says she has everything “open” (but does she!?) and then tells Sean she loves him…to which he replies with “I love hearing you say that.” BAHAHA – its so funny how any girl in every relationship in this entire galaxy would want to drop dead (the bad dead) after hearing that response, but in Bachelor world….elation!!!!!

Now…EVERYONE swallow your pill concoctions…it’s time for AshLee’s date.

We hear, again, about her issues as a child, and she overuses the word abandonment. Like 84392484032402 effing times. ABANDONMENT. Like, the joke happened weeks ago, so I can’t really reuse it…bottom line…it was said A LOT, and every time she says it….you can see Sean wanting to get out of there an hour sooner than before…

We hear a ton of love analogies and then Sean’s like surrrrrprise, we are totes diving into this black cave. AshLee bitches that she doesn’t “do” caves…she also doesn’t “do” adventure, activity, fun, and Sean in the fantasy suite. Things she DOES do, closets, structure, organization and did I say structure?

Being in the cave with Sean makes her feel whole…while at home we are all feeling empty…very empty inside. Is this over yet? Cut to lots of “I. love. this. man” “I. will. marry. this. man.” “I. will. spend. the. rest. of. my. life. with. this. man.” – and all I can think about is how happy Sean is now that he didn’t choose her. I’m offish scaredy pants.

AshLee says that she is glad she waited, and its supes awkward sauce regarding that first marriage she’s ignoring that we heard about ad nauseum for the past 3 weeks. Next up she describes the ring she wants, her ring finger size…annnnd… it’s pretty clear Sean is shitting himself. “I. am. going. to. murder. this. man.”

—-Anxiety attack—-

Hellooooooooooooo Catherine! Her energy with Sean is seriously so effing refreshing after the last 20 minutes. And luckily, Sean notices this too. I love Catherine, buuuuuuuuuuuut I wasn’t THRILLED with how that white bathing suit top looked with the cover up. Kind of apron like, but in all seriousness, if that’s the worst I can say, you’re in good shape homegirl.

THEY’RE ON A BOAT, and they have a convo about silly vs. serious yada yada yada. Sean’s all “I like your weirdness!” and I thought he said weenus, and I giggled like an effing idiot. They have some serious talks about her moving to Dallas, and then they have kissy time on the boat where Sean lizard tongued the shit out of Catherine and I screamed like I was watching “The Ring” and prayed for it to end.

Also – Girls who can do back flips off boats into the ocean? Plus 943042849384 I’m totes cool and low maintenance points. I need to learn how do that stat. It’s not going to happen. I’ll stick to practicing twitter.

Lightning strikes the water, and I am convinced everyone is going to die. Clearly they don’t care and start making out. Holy eff. Am I turning into AshLee?!

Catherine takes the fantasy suite and they have a discussion about where the relationship will be in 5 years.

I’m no Zoltar Machine, but I am not feeling too confident in Catherine’s answer of kids and family. Hoping *if she wins* they can prove my “Where they will be in 5 years” theory wrong:

1) A people magazine cover saying “Why I Cheated”
2) A people magazine cover saying “I’M GAY!” with Sean on the cover sporting a shit eating grin a la Lance Bass.

Catherine tells a story about how she gets made fun of for being fat, and like all the real fat girls in America immediately go on juice cleanses. OY!

It was pretty humbling to see how she thought a guy like Sean couldn’t possibly like a girl like her. I swear I just put too much sirracha on my dinner, and those are NOT tears.

Commercial break tangent: WHAT THE HELL is this Oz the Great and Powerful plug? Def trippin. Still on da molly.

Sean knows who he’s going to send home…and he keeps saying that it “KILLS HIM TO THINK ABOUT IT” – so we know it’s AshLee.

We watch the girls’ video messages, which seriously serve NO purpose. Here is the summary:

Lindsay – wedding dress, crazy, you met my family! I love you, full circle to wedding dress.

AshLee – a death threat

Catherine – you give me the “wiggles” – which is either a cuter way of saying “lady tingles” or a random reference to those 4 color-coded pedophiles that are on shrooms and sing songs about mashed potatoes – magically silencing all kids across the country.

Sean ends up sending AshLee home and she honestly wins me back over when she tells Sean to “JUST STAY THERE.” I only know he hasn’t since been murdered because I see him tweet.

A few notes:

1) What the HELL is going on with the fantasy suites? The past 2 seasons (Sean’s & Emily’s) have been so uneventful. Chlorophyll? More like BORophyll. SER. If I am accepting a proposal from someone you most certainly can bed I am making sure they are good in bed first.

2) Did ANY of the girls’ speeches about why they are accepting the fantasy suite make any sense? Because I thought they were speaking in tongue. Negative sense.

3) Let’s rename the fantasy suite, the time suite, shall we?

4) Lastly…its SO effing creepy that the fantasy suite note comes from CH. Did anyone consider a “from Sean” scenario?

We are now down to 2 girls, and the material is dwindling. Lots of mush and engagement talk. Sticking with my guns on Catherine. I can tell by the way Sean is with her. Linds is adorbs too though!

Til next week for some WTA batshit cray cray!!!!! YES PLEASE. Missin ze sparkle.

PS thanks Catherine for proving that Asians are good at math. I was stumped after 11×11. I miss the mad minute.

PPS I started my own bloggyblog! More of this, but applied to things other than Bachelor. Ch Ch Check it – Blondhairdontcare.com



Twitter/Instagram: @JaclynSwartz

Jaclyn Swartz