Jaclyn’s Bachelorette Blog: Episode 2

Episode 2: Space Jam

Seriously, am I watching Space Jam or The Bachelorette? This whole episode I was waiting for Michael Jordan to swoop in and teach these cartoon characters how to play ball. Where is their game!?! 

I must say, with the exception of my favorites, I was let down by these dudes tremendously. When you have the abs, you MUST have the personality to back it up. No ifs, ands, or nice butts about it. A cute guy with no game ALWAYS gets nexted.

Now for this week’s tangent: Let’s keep rolling with cartoon analogies, shall we? These guys are to Emily, as Roger Rabbit is to Jessica Rabbit. Googly eyes begging “OH EMILLLYYYYYY LET ME COUNT THE WAYS!!!!” I had to cover my eyes numerous times watching the guys try to converse with her. Majority of them castrated themselves right before our eyes. Note to self, when you say “I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you” ad nauseum, you basically convince the girl that as well. These guys are essentially eliminating themselves and leaving no work to Emily. Ugh. Moving on.

The first date card comes and it’s for Ryan! YES! He would have been my pick as well. His entrance on night one was adorable and definitely left a sweet and lasting first impression. He is so tan. I LOVE tans. I mean, did you SEE my skin tone on Women Tell All? Der.

I loved how the date was so non-Bachelor-esque. It felt real, and forced Emily and Ryan to talk…rather than just marvel over the great views or the scary jump off a cliff they are about to take. Plus, the music that played when Emily told Ryan that they were bringing in groceries made me LEGIT LOL (I only use “LOL” when I really laughed out loud. Any guy who uses LOL freely in texts, tweets, IMs…trust me…get rid of him YESTERDAY).

Pan over to the guys not on the date who are lounging by the pool with beers and greased up bods. Something about this scene made me crack up uncontrollably. It is because I could not get THIS IDENTICAL SCENE out of my head!

So on to the Muppet group date.

We open with Kalon, in lipstick, saying, “I embrace the stage!”

The guys learn they will be performing on stage, with the Muppets (ew, I HATE the Muppets), and Charlie needs a hard system reset as we watch him take on the role of Colin Firth in “The Kings Speech.” Charlie is visibly SO nervous it made my heart melt! Two things I learned at this moment 1.) my heart is NOT made of stone! YES! 2.) I would never ever ever make Charlie speak in public. Call me.

At the night portion of this date, Jef plays it cool and you can tell that Emily is crushin’ hard – especially when she gives him the group date rose. He will definitely be sticking around for a while.

Kalon dishes some comments and Stevie says, “I don’t like you.” Way to go MC. You may be good at taking the lead at bat mitzvahs, but you suck at taking the lead on drama. Kalon’s response only makes me start to like him more – “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, BRA.” True statement.

For the next one-on-one date, Emily picks up Joe. She looks hawt in a cute dress, and Joe looks uhhh… Van Der Chic. Their date is not even worth discussing because, needless to say, the conversation is lacking and Joe is sent a-packing.

Back at the mansion, Kalon, who has just presumably farted in the hot tub, makes a quip about Doug taking “time off” from being a Dad. Doug then proceeds to go all TSA on Kalon’s a$$ saying “CHECK IT” over and over again. I wish Doug would stop playing the Single Dad Card and focus on a.) learning how to argue/stick up for himself and b.) talking to Emily about things other than being a Single Dad. Until that point, he remains out of my top 5.

Fast forward to the Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Arie and Emily clearly have chemistry. She acts very differently around Jef and Arie – they both make Emily very nervous and you can tell she’s getting those butterflies!

Ryan pulls Emily aside to have some time alone. THE NERVE! HE ALREADY HAS A ROSE! Who am I kidding? I cannot make fun of this. When Blakeley did this in Sonoma, I legit wanted to rip her head off. The 7-page love letter (which really equated to 15 pages because you needed a microscope for his handwriting to be legible) was a nice gesture but I found myself screaming TOO SOON, TOOOOO SOOOON! Not my style, but hey, it worked for Ryan and it most certainly worked for Courtney!

Tony spent the whole night creepin’ and waiting for time with Emily. I cannot say anything about Tony at this point other than the fact that he is the doppelganger of my co-worker Rob (DJ Fazz).

As the night comes to a close, Emily gets rid of Aaron the hot bio teacher and some other dude that is a mute and looks JUST like Aaron. I really cannot wrap my head around why Aaron got the boot over half the guys still standing. I would do anything to be one of his students.

Top 5 in order of ranks FOR EMILY (not me):
5) Ryan
4) Chris
3) Charlie
2) Arie
1) Jef

Til’ next week!