Michael Stagliano’s Bachelorette Blog: Episode 3

Episode 3 opens with breakfast in bed, delivered by Emily’s mom…though (brace yourself for a jab) I honestly thought one of the Muppets from last week’s episode sneaked into the room, because once Emily’s mom spoke… I couldn’t imagine that voice coming from anything human. Maybe I am being a little harsh, and exaggerating slightly…but uh, does she smoke? What was the story there?

Fast-forward 3 minutes…

Chris gets the first one on one this week.

OK! He isn’t a standout to me, but from the last two weeks Emily is CLEARLY into him. They start the date off walking around, I immediately saw chemistry, hand holding, flirty glances, lots of, “you’re cute, no YOU’RE CUTE… no YOU are… I wouldn’t go up to you in a bar. NO I wouldn’t go up to YOU in bar.” We get it. They like each other. In true Bachelor style the couple approaches the side of a building and ropes descend. Chris delivers a BRUTALLY OBVIOUS OBSERVATION. Something along the lines of, “As soon as I saw those ropes drop, I knew it was for us.” (Was the harness a clue?)

They climb. Chris stays pretty calm and cool, Emily freaks…they reach the top unharmed. Isn’t there a part of you that wants something to go a little wrong? Not a lot. No falls, or major injuries. But you know, a harness clip to break, a pulley busts and lets the Bachelorette drop for a few feet but the Bachelor, saves her at the last second!!! Maybe this is just the guy in me, wanting some ACTION and less CONVERSATION…But, I digress…

Up at the top. Chris wants a kiss and gets a high-five instead… BRUT.

Dinner is cool. She likes him, he likes her. We learn Chris is 25, has had ONE serious relationship, and while, YES, Chris does seem like a remarkably mature 25 year old, I dislike when guys say the sentence, “I’m a man.” I am of the opinion that that is something “shown” not something that is “told”. He doesn’t lose points in my book, because I believe him. They finish dinner (does anyone EVER actually EAT the food on these dates besides me? Jillian and I always inhaled our food!)

They walk some more and another country band is playing, I was SHOCKED at how similar this was to Emily’s date with Ryan…but we DID finally see a kiss. And it was a good one. He gets the rose. Off to a good start.

Group date.

Is it bad that I was fixated on what Stevie was going to be wearing, and whether or not we were going to get to see him “dance” again? More on this later…

The guys think they have a competitive day of sports ahead; they meet E.M. in the park, start throwing a football around only to watch her walk away shortly after they arrive. We quickly learn that the guys will actually be meeting Emily’s friends, and if they aren’t excited enough about that, EVEN BETTER they get to hang out with 16 little kids after that… (HOLY LET DOWN OF A DATE…Ben’s season literally didn’t have an episode without a helicopter in it…)

Three things emerge from the start of this date:

1. Wolf is incapable of doing an interview without swearing.
2. Ryan has a little cockiness/competitiveness that is NOT working for him.
3. Sean, a seemingly unknown from the last two episodes, is awesome, and steps up HUGE.

The guys meet with Emily’s friends. Nothing crazy happens except Wendy is in love with Sean. I like her vibe. I imagine she is incredibly fun and cherished by Emily as a friend. I had my “eyes covered” moment when Stevie started dancing. And I feel bad hating on this guy so much. But DAMN IT. Correct me if I am wrong, when a guy dances, it should be smooth, on beat, and should turn women on. THE SECOND he started dancing, I was like, “No…no no. Stevie, don’t. No…don’t pop-lock. Oh god…It’s the robot/pop/lock 8th grade dance circle moves.” YIKES. SO BRUTAL. Ladies, on behalf of all men, I apologize…we can dance better than that.

ALSO Ryan ends up putting his foot in his mouth by walking over to Emily (and her friends) and saying, “It won’t be ok if you get “big”. WTF!?!? Remember last week when I commented on Ryan saying ALL THE RIGHT things. Between then and now he must have been chatting it up with Alessandro (the Brazilian free-loving Gypsy who has less sense than a black guy in the KKK) WHAT WAS THAT!?!?

At night we learn more of Doug’s story and HOLY HELL, I was not ready for that. His mom left, dad passed away, was raised in foster homes with (sometimes without) his sister. Whew. Would never guess that from his kindness.

Back out for a second, and we are in the mansion… Arie, Charlie, Kalon and Chris are sitting around. Date card shows up. Arie gets it… They are all pretty sure it has something to do with racing. And FRIGGIN KALON… knowing that Arie is a race car driver says, ” So you can drive stick shift right?” That’s like asking a dentist if he knows how to brush his teeth? Michael – 1 Kalon – 0

Back to the date: Tony is weepy. He is also sad. Additionally, he misses his son. Furthermore, Tony is cries. Lastly, Tony goes home. And look, I don’t want to seem insensitive here. I do NOT have a son, and I am sure I don’t know what it is like to be away from one… And I felt for him. But after like 11 minutes of the winy voice, and the, “I’m joker, you be batman.” I don’t know, I was thinking WE GET IT! WE GOT IT!!! You miss him. I think Emily felt the same way, because she sent him packing…and lets face it, it was ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do.

Lastly, Sean gets the rose. I like it. Dark horse.

Arie has the final one on one. SO STOKED to see more of this guy. My female friends that watch the show LOVE Arie, and I can see why. He is tall, super attractive, seems cool but not too cool, confident, laid back… So intrigued…Emily clearly is as well.

They head to Dollywood. THE Dolly Parton shows up and sings to Emily. Emily CAN NOT handle it. Her reaction is pretty cute; she seems flustered and overwhelmed… It was sweet.

A few songs, some dancing, I was worried that Emily was liking the date so much because of the date, NOT because Arie was on it. But those worries got laid to rest once they left, got on the carousel and started locking lips. And I am not one to rate if a guy can kiss or not. But damn, I think Arie can kiss. I am sure many ladies would test out my theory.

Date ends, he gets a rose. We are all for the Arie-Emily combo.

Back at the house, the idiot, I mean Kalon gets someone time with Emily. He ACTUALLY manages to say, “I love when you talk, but let me finish.” I wanted to SMACK him in his deformed lips when he said that… Emily seemed like she did too.

Shelly “the egg” gets destroyed. We all take a deep breath, and wish it would have happened 2 episodes ago. Alessandro…well. What do you even say about this NIGHTMARE of an interaction? I almost don’t need to recap it, it was so uncomfortable. He explains how it is a compromise to be a father to Ricky. Then INSISTS it is NOT a language barrier thing, he KNOWS exactly what he is saying… He is a magical Gypsy, or something, who needs to love many woman. And yikes. It does NOT GO WELL, she walks him out, gives him the boot and goes back inside.

Also awkward for me. Sean has a conversation with Emily by a fireplace. It is mediocre at best. He explains how he wants to be a Dad. Emily has a look that suggests, “This is sweet but I still don’t know you at all.” Then… oh god….. OH GOD: I had to rewind it to make sure I heard it correctly, but… Sean, a grown man, actually says, “Kiss now?”

Look I am no Casanova; I don’t have the best “game” in the world. But, I know that was brutal, awkward, forced, weird, not romantic…and Emily’s body language suggested she felt the same. Her kiss with Arie was a different story…she wanted that one bad. WHAOW!

Rose ceremony: Stevie goes home. I was bummed. He was super entertaining, in a car-accident kind of way. More proof Emily is the right girl for the job, another great decision.

Looks like we are in Bermuda next week. Super dope. Loving this season, and loving the comments you guys leave below. : ) If you don’t already, check out Ashley Spivey’s blog it is SO GOOD. She does freeze frames with captions and it makes me CRACK UP every week.

As always, you guys get all my love. Thanks for reading along.

The news I mentioned last week is still brewing, and looking good. I wish I could share it with you guys in this weeks post…but ARGH, I can’t… It is coming soon though.

I’ll be in Chi-town this week, Seattle after that. If you live there: www.michaelstaglianomusic.com grab a ticket, and let me give you a hug.


Till next week.

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