NATALIE’S BACHELOR PAD BLOG: EPISODE 1

Episode 1:  Rehab, Bitchesssss. 

Chris Harrison begins the show by introducing us to the cast.  He literally says Bachelor Pad is for those who want to make money, or those who want to hook up. He said. “hook up.”  Not find love.  But, “hook up.”  This show is so raunch!  He explains that every season has the same type of people and goes on to list the titles in the house.  Here is who I think falls into those categories.

The Lover: Chris B.

This picture doesn’t suck.

The Villian:  Kalon

I mean, what a freakin’ weirdo.  I don’t think I need to explain how creepy this photo it.  Maybe if Kalon took some time away from the botox doctor he could do some crunches and get something real, like abs.

The Fighter: None of these guys look like they could handle a fight.  Especially Reid.

I suppose he did fight pretty hard for Jillian’s heart.

The Good Girl:  Lindzi

I’m excited to see more of Lindzi’s fashion.  She has great casual style, and Bachelor Pad is obviously much more casual than the Bachelor, so we will be seeing a lot!

The Crazy Girl: Blakeley

Who gets their ass waxed? I wouldn’t want to catch Blakeley on a bad day in that waxing room….REDRUM…REEEEDRUUUUUM!

The one you love to hate:  Ed

Ed appears to be at a “Single and Mingle” happy hour party.  We love him because he is funny and endearing, but we hate him for what he fully admitted was true in the tabloids.

The Bitch:  Jaclyn

Ok, Chris H. didn’t throw this title out, but I did.  And I’m giving it to Jacklyn.  Why?  She is freaking hilarious and her bitchy comments are going to be the reason I love her.  Her one-liners are brutally mean, but some of the funniest I’ve heard on this show.

Arrivals:  Blakeley’s breasts arrived in a separate limo. (see deleted scene)

Super fan Paige has great style and I’d expect nothing less of a New Yorker.  She is the only fan cast this season who looks put together, classy and natural.  I would like to see her on The Bachelor.  What do you guys think?

S.W.A.T. looks a little too comfortable watching The Bachelor.  If he really does light candles, pour red wine and wear matching pajamas every Monday, then he may have some emotional issues.  He says he is going on the Bachelor Pad to find love.  Uh…

Donna is introduced to us while sketching a photo of Michael’s face.  This is so wacky. She then claims, ”I felt so bad for Michael when he got his heart broken by stupid Holly.  Why would she break up with him?  She is an idiot.”  Ahhhh crack me up!  She is obsessed!  On a side note, I think that I can fit my head comfortably with breathing room in Donna’s right bra cup.  Bracing myself for the twins…

Oh dear.  I can’t believe what this show has come to.  Male on male action at it’s finest.  It looks like Dave already has a lover back home.

And there we have it.  Wow.  This is like a bad infomercial.  A bad infomercial with poorly dressed twins with wrinkled shirts.

I mean, this is bad.  If I have to watch these two do everything at the same time (including sit ups), I’m going to go insane.  They even put their jeans on the same leg at the same time.

These outfits are painful.  What are they wearing now? I will say, they are freaking hilarious at times.  They mentioned they aren’t jealous of Blakeley because she is 37 and about to hit menopause, and then called Kalon out on his butt chin.  In dedication of the twins I am going to call Kalon “Ass Face,” as they so graciously put it.  These two show some grade A class when they announce that they know who they want to have sex with in order to win the game.  I predict Michael hooking up with both of them.  And I’m obviously kidding.  Whomp Whomp.

I love Lindzi’s long flowing, golden shimmer dress with a plunging neckline and open back.  Normally I don’t like metallic material, but in this situation it works.

Ryan from Deanna’s season walks in and announces to the viewers that he is a 32-year-old virgin, and then tells the crew he doesn’t drink.  Unless someone is a true alcoholic, I get very uncomfortable around people who just simply choose not to drink.  Don’t trust em’.  I am a little confused about Ryan and Sara being on the show, but I suppose we will find out why.  I just cannot for the life of me remember who these two are.

Blakeley and her Z cups enter the Pad.  In the words of Jaclyn:  What the F is she wearing???

A nauseating, white sequin pencil skirt with a sheer orange, long sleeve top with holes in the sleeves over a navy blue tube top.  Wow.  That’s A LOT going on.  In this same photo, we see Rachel’s hot pink cutout dress, which is super cute!  Jaclyn chose a simple, sequin white cocktail dress, which is perfect for the first cocktail party. GetzStyle Tip:  Can we please take note of the difference in sequins between Jaclyn and Blakeley?  Sequins are entirely too easy to screw up.  This is one thing you have to spend a little extra money on.  Buying anything sequin from Forever 21 is probably not a great idea.  Why don’t girls like Blakeley understand why other girls don’t like them?  She just blatantly called out Jaclyn on getting hair extensions on camera.  It’s just rude and bitchy.  If I had hair extensions, the last thing I’d want is to be called out on national television by my frenemy!  PS- I just got offered hair extensions.  I’ve never had them before.  Good idea? Bad idea?  Leave me your thoughts in the comment section:)  This doesn’t all have to be about the Bachelor Pad.  Let’s make it more about me.  Jk. 

 

On to Tony.  Lindzi asks everyone, “I have a question…are you guys here for money or to hook up?”  You think the answer would be obvious:  the money, right?  Tony says he is here for both.  After drunk dialing his son at God knows what time at night, I can see this train wreck hooking up with 3 people this season.

Jamie walks in and I am trying to figure out what in the world is on her black tank top.  Some sort of pin that she got from the fair?  If there is some significant meaning behind it, I apologize!  I just think it looks really tacky.  What’s tackier is her statement necklace.  Whoosh that’s raunchy.  Statement necklaces need to be made from chunky beads and gems, not cheap metal.  Jamie is one of the kinder girls I’ve met from this season, so I feel bad already for talkin’ smack on her outfit, dawg!

Erica looks simply sexy with this edgy little number!  Everything from her toned body, perfectly straightened hair to her natural makeup is very impressive.  Looks like the princess is growing up!  I love my girl Erica for cutting through the bullshit and calling Ass Face out on being a dick right away.  She is ballsy!  Ass Face already made an ass out of himself by pulling up in some expensive car and throwing his keys at Chris Harrison like he was the help.  Michael walks in looking all backstreet in his cooler than cool vest with a crisp, black woven and perfectly tied tie.  I’m glad to see him back!  He’s gotta defend that title!

Paige looks very Jackie-O in a simplified red cocktail dress.  I like the short sleeve look and the boat neck shows off her collarbones.  Paige is classically beautiful!

Alright, are these two twins or Siamese twins?  This is weird.

Cocktail Party:  Where did the virgin go?

A few things happened that I would love to point out. Let’s start with Jaclyn asking Ryan if he was a fan…priceless.  I thought it was super ignorant, but so funny all at the same time!  Rachel then says if a fan walks in and freaks out about wanting to meet her, she is not going to be OK with it.  I mean, didn’t Rachel just get off TV?  It’s not like she is dealing with all this crazy fame and can’t put up with it any longer.  Besides, the second the fans show face on TV, they are already just as “famous” as any other clown in the house.  I mean, the cast is treating the fans like they are A-listers or something.  I’m getting freaked out.  Wine me.

We find out that Blakeley thinks her and Jaclyn are total besties, only to hear Jaclyn claim that she hates Blakeley and her ‘uneducated, vagina waxing ass.’  I don’t think these two are going to get along.  Meanwhile, Paige feels like she is going to pee her pants, which has apparently happened before. All while Ass Face complains about not having enough money for his helicopter fuel and gets into a little fight with Erica.  He then announces, ”Guess what America, your favorite villain is back for Bachelor Pad.  I’m gonna ruin your f%#king summer.”  I feel like him and Rated R the Reality Star would make a fine pair of friends.

10 minutes into the episode and Ed has already gotten in between a girls legs.  And she is upside down. Under water.  ”Yaaaaa!  You got it!” says Ed.  In an attempt to get Ed out of the pool, Sara says one of the funniest lines of the show:  ”Ed, pull it together.  I get it that you’re funny and you have a big *$%&, but pull it together.”

With a towel wrapped around him trying to ward off the intense shakes, Ed isn’t even listening to Chris Harrison’s opening announcement.  He is hammered and now onto Chardonnay.  He then interrupts Chris H. again by farting insanely loud.  I’m honestly shocked that Ed is single?  I’m honestly shocked that Ed is single.

Ed is now shaking water out of his ear, and again interrupting Chris H.  I feel like he suffered a brain injury, or is simply going through a withdrawal of some sort? Chris H. then tries to gain his attention by talking to him like a small child.  It’s been like 10 minutes and I already have 3 amazing photos of Ed.  Ed may very well make this the most entertaining, hilarious season to date! I know that I haven’t laughed this hard at a reality show in a long time.

Competition:  How did Ed last that long?!

The cast struggles to keep themselves from falling out of a heart that is raised in the air and slowly turning over, causing them to flip out.  The strongest guys fall out first so being small was probably a plus in this game.  The twins and David win the first competition and then go on a really boring date that I didn’t watch, because I have no idea who these people are and am not invested enough to watch them on TV.  HUGE MISTAKE having fans on.

Back at the mansion…

Oh God, Blakely has lost it.  Just because they partnered up for the first challenge doesn’t mean they are partnered up the entire time.  And even if they were, what a nut she is!  That’s the best strategy to be partners, but not get romantically involved.  She is crying and being controlling over Chris for making out with Jamie?  Holy cow Blakeley is definitely “the crazy one.”  What I think is even more crazy is that Chris B. didn’t get poked in the eye by Jamie’s obnoxious, fake eyelashes while smooching!  GetzStyle Tip:  Ladies, don’t wear fake eyelashes.  Just don’t.  

Rose Ceremony:

I know it’s casual, but come on Reid!  This shirt looks sloppy and outdated.  I expected better of him!  Ass Face looks nice in this shot, but that doesn’t’ surprise me.  We may dislike him, but sonny has good style.

Jaclyn’s bright blue dress is very modern and super hot!  The back is almost completely open and she styled her side braid perfectly to off set the perfect symmetry of the dress.

The Twins look like they got their dresses at Limited Too, which is probably appropriate due to their age.  Seriously what are they doing on the show?

 

Swat claims,  ”These girls are bullshit, man!  They don’t wanna come to my f-ing face and say they are going to vote me off.”  Um, because it’s a game?  The fans really messed up here telling Erica she was going home.  David will surely be gone next week.  The last person he should have messed with is Erica!  Stag tells Reid that Paige is going home. That it doesn’t matter who Reid votes for because numbers are against them. Michael is so funny as he tells Reid they are keeping Donna for physical reasons.  You can tell he is uncomfortable saying that! LOL!  I think Paige is hands down the cutest fan on the show and am sad to see her gone.  Reid messed up right off the bat by partnering with a fan.  I told him not to do this, but he obviously didn’t listen to me.  I’m done giving advice to the paddlers!  I predict him gone in 2 more weeks.  As we watch Reid and Paige try to count to 5 to figure out the votes, I realize this is why she was sent home.  What was really Erica’s saving grace is that Swat got mad at David and therefor voted off Paige in spite him.  This is already so ridiculous!

Paige and S.W.A.T. go home with class.  Paige’s baby blue empire waist dress is absolutely adorable.  Maybe she can wear it again on the Bachelor?  Swat was really cool to save Erica.  I feel bad he went home, but at least in the end he did the right thing!

 

Best Quotes of the night:

“There is only room for one set of twins in this house.”  Erica Rose (referring to her breasts).

“It’s just such a mess here.  Ed is Naked in the pool.  There are twins.”  -Stag

“If you f-ing let me down I will chop off all of your limbs.”  -Blakeley (Chis needs to run.  Fast.)

“I’m stuck with Ed.  The drunk f-ing loser.”  -Jaclyn (after everyone scrammed to get a partner for the challenge)

X O X O

27 Comments »

  1. Sorry, I don’t think you know that much about fashion, I saw a picture of you with cutoffs short and you look a mess!

    Comment by Barney — July 25, 2012 @ 11:22 am

  2. Oh Natalie you said 99.9% of what I was thinking while I watched it.I’d love to see Paige on The Bachelor but I don’t think she’d do all that well.Best part of the whole thing was Ed’s shenanagins.

    Comment by Lexie — July 25, 2012 @ 11:42 am

  3. This is possibly one of your funniest wrap ups of all!! I LOL over the REDRUM comment as well as some of your other choice observations. The twins have GOT to go ASAP–they are so immature and quite annoying. Blakeley wasn’t this neurotic on Ben’s season so I’m guessing that being trapped in a room with all of that wax has melted her brain or her personality. Love Erica Roses’s maturity–couldn’t stand her on Lorenzo’s season, but now I look forward to her zingers. Well, keep up the good work and I’ll be looking forward to your future musings.

    Comment by Ginny — July 25, 2012 @ 11:49 am

  4. Um, to the ignorant dumbass above who posted the ridiculous comment…really? Natalie knows a ton about fashion, she actually has amazing style compared to some of other people who have been on the show. Obviously you’re new.

    Comment by Kayla — July 25, 2012 @ 11:49 am

  5. I loved you on your BP Natalie ;)
    Wow, I just have to say about BP 3 first of all what the f**** – just because they’ve been on Bachelor/Bachelorette before they think they are better than someone, oh please?! These girls on Ben’s season was horrible most of them (especially Jaclyn and Rachel), but I somehow like Blakely.
    Don’t like this group of people already, and Paige, almost only the girl I liked is out. I don’t know if this is worth killing time with.
    Chris just confirmed to whole America how great of a decision Emily made for throwing him out, he had me fooled that he was mature even if he was 25. Oh Chris you little boy in a man’s body…..
    Ready for marriage and child, are you kidding me?!

    Comment by SJ — July 25, 2012 @ 12:00 pm

  6. Actually, I quite enjoyed your fashion critiques. Keep it up! Awesome recap.

    Comment by Lauren17 — July 25, 2012 @ 12:06 pm

  7. I say no to the hair extensions. I tend not to like them on a lot of people.

    I thought it was awkward how the twins handed all the guys their roses instead of pinning them on them.
    They were annoying on Jersey Shore and they are more annoying on Bachelor Pad.

    My favs are Michael, Nick, Lindzi, and Rachel. So upset that Lindzi is dating Kalon, was hoping for her and Michael to date! I loved Reid on Jillian’s season but from the first episode of Bachelor Pad and the previews I don’t think he’s going to be a fav.

    Comment by Stacy — July 25, 2012 @ 12:23 pm

  8. I’m going to order life-like silicone dolls that looks just like Blakely and that fan chick in the bikini. They don’t talk back or express opinions so that’s great and it’s warm and I can even cuddle with them. If anyone is interested, just google “human-size silicone dolls.” You have to make sure you clean all the orifices regularly though. And don’t beat up the dolls – I had an off day and banged up one of my dolls and her face is deformed and I am so mad at myself for doing that. I am going to order soon and am so excited. I have 3 sitting in my apartment (Kelli, Mandi & Cyndi). Kelli is my “wife” and the other two are girlfriends. Best thing I have EVER done for myself since the lawsuits and restraining orders.

    Comment by Bachobserver31 — July 25, 2012 @ 1:46 pm

  9. Your blog is my favorite! It is everything that I thought while watching! And reading your thoughts on Ed made me laugh so hard at that memory. People can say what you will but he’s hilarious! I also thought Paige was adorable – I think she would have been much better off going on the Bachelor then this show though… She seemed a little innocent for BP. Jaclyn and Ed are going to be the funniest duo and although a lot of what she says is mean I think it’s pretty fricken hilarious.

    I like your statement closer to the beginning about the Alumni thinking that they are A-Listers. It really bothered me because we are all huge fans of the show. And the point of going on is to find love, not become a celebrity. And while I’m sure the perks are nice coming off of it… I like to think that all the alum started off as just normal guys and gals hopeful to find love. And I think Chris H made a good point in his blog that there wouldn’t be a show if it weren’t for all these fans that watch it… Anyways! Great blog!!

    Comment by Candice — July 25, 2012 @ 2:18 pm

  10. p.s. Natalie, normally I don’t like women who try to be clever or have an opinion (I don’t read your blog) but I would like a human-sized silicone doll of you. Tailor made costs more but you’ve got a nice face. I will name it “Natalie.”

    Comment by Bachobserver_31 — July 25, 2012 @ 5:01 pm

  11. Do you take speed?

    Comment by Dallas — July 25, 2012 @ 6:20 pm

  12. I wonder what Jillian thinks of Ed now and probably kicking herself for choosing him! Lmao! That guy was drunk as hell! How could those twins even be considered “fans,” when they were in Jersey Shore? They should be DQed. I love Reid on The Bachelorette but I feel like his a lost little lamb here. If Paige wasn’t a fan, they could have gone far. Michael is the Boss for now and he will have a target sooner or later. Wasn’t too crazy about the other gals and the bitching of the superfans (The Twins don’t count) was really rude. Where would The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad be without the fans?

    Comment by Maria C — July 25, 2012 @ 8:41 pm

  13. I’m just a bit confused, when did you become miss.fashionista? Frankly, you always looked like white trash on bachelor pad, so I find this all very hilarious.

    ex:

    http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Shows/A_F/Ba_Bh/Bachelor_Pad/season1/bachelor-pad-40.jpg

    Comment by kelly — July 25, 2012 @ 8:46 pm

  14. Dudette, As always, you are freakin’ hilarious, and don’t listen to these haters, your fashion is right on. Let them talk shit about you, because I know you well enough to know that it’ll prevent them from talking about someone who really gives a shit. Keep rockin’ it girl. Love you!

    Comment by Donna — July 25, 2012 @ 9:06 pm

  15. Why was it the worst MISTAKE to have fans on the show?

    Were you not once a fan of the show before going on it? I think you pick the people you hang with or know well and brag about them and trash talk the rest.

    Ed might be funny but he is a cheater and drunk.

    Erica’s hair looked like shit and if you didnt see that, you need glasses. It is long and not well groomed at all. Plus she is rude talking about hired help. I wish one of the hired help would knock her off her high ugly horse.

    Jaclyn looks like a tranny and thinks her shit dont stink. She is not pretty and is only jealous of Blakesly body and looks.

    What’s it like to be perfect and to bully people Nat?

    Comment by Misty — July 25, 2012 @ 9:30 pm

  16. Erica’s got nice big ones. I hope they’re silicone because I like cuddling with my state-of-the-art silicone dolls.

    @ Misty you talk too much. This is what happens when society gives women “equal rights.”

    Comment by Bachobserver_31 — July 25, 2012 @ 10:25 pm

  17. The twins… They were on Jersey Shore. How did production not know this? There sense of style (or absence thereof) precedes them.

    Appreciate your recognition of Erica. While she may be the only one being completely real (and quite beautiful, too), why do I have the feeling that the producers have discussed a few things in advance with her?

    Comment by Dave Garner — July 26, 2012 @ 5:32 am

  18. @Dave Garner OMG you’re right!! i think they look even worse now, and if possible, are even dumber. although not sure you can get much worse than hooking up with Sitch.

    Comment by AJ — July 26, 2012 @ 7:55 am

  19. Pretty good job of concentrating on the fashion & not the (many) unpleasant personalities here, Nat!

    Happy that Erica survived. So very disappointed in Ed, both behavior & admitting his affairs. There goes that crush.

    The fans could be neutral, but the annoying part is spending time on PEOPLE WE DON’T KNOW. That’s not why people watch TV, it’s why they watch movies. People want familiar faces in their living room. Also, hate the twins for a couple of reasons.

    Comment by Allissa — July 26, 2012 @ 5:03 pm

  20. That bachobserver31 is a nasty piece of work trolling everywhere Bachelor-related, just like that disgusting Onetwottree. YUCK. Anyways, I enjoyed your blog Natalie. You have a very compelling sense of style and humour.

    Comment by Paulina — July 26, 2012 @ 9:00 pm

  21. uh, i hate your fashion, and maybe blakely couldn’t afford something. funny how you kiss up to your friends like jacklyn and erica, who’ve proven themselves to be awful and spoiled people, not to mention hideous, but at least blakely seems innocent and nice. Yeah, she made a mistake with chris, but she’s definitely far better than jacklyn, erica, and you. I love how you and ashley spivey try so hard to act nice and say the rudest awful things.

    Comment by sarah — July 26, 2012 @ 10:59 pm

  22. I just really cannot stand Jaclyn and Rachel…or Chris. My goodness he is an immature man and immature for 25 too. No wonder he was so defensive on the Bachelorette, he’s immature and deep down he knew it. And Jamie! that poor girl received some sort of trauma on the Bachelor because she thinks she needs to be a bratty slut (Courtney)to get a man’s attention.

    Comment by LC — July 27, 2012 @ 1:26 am

  23. Girl, you crack me up! Can’t wait to read your blog next week.

    Comment by Claudia — July 28, 2012 @ 5:37 am

  24. Bachelor Pad looks like a lot of fun so far…..just started watching Bachelor Pad 3 and can’t wait to watch some of the upcoming challenges……..they should have cast Sean Lowe or Arie the cute race car driver from Emily’s season…..sorry Tony and Kalon are both kinda bland on the show……Looking forward to see who wins the $250K and who is there to find true love……

    Comment by Cynthia — July 28, 2012 @ 7:56 pm

  25. You are hilarious! and i love your recaps! Thanks for brightening my week. :-)

    Comment by Beth — July 30, 2012 @ 8:52 am

  26. OMG Nat….i am just reading this now, as i anxiously await your NEWEST blog!!!….I LOVE The way you formatted this “Recap!’….all the additional photos and commentary is BRILLIANT!…..first of all, i personally do not think you should get hair extensions….you have the kind of hair everyone is trying to emulate!….i would not be surprised if people accuse you of already having extensions!….(YOUR hair is BEYOND GORGEOUS!….doesn’t seem necessary.in my opinion!)…….secondly, i cannot BELIEVE what a train WRECK ED is!…..YOU CRACKED ME UP….”brain injury or something!!”…..LOL……i seriously did NOT see this coming…….boy cannot handle his liquor….and nothing is more UNattractive in a man….if ya ask me!!….EW ED!…c’mon….i had high hopes for you!!……(not doing yourself any favors)…also, SO SORRY to see Paige go….liked her ALOT!…..Chris B. is showing his immaturity to the MAX!…i cannot believe his lack of insight!….oh boy!….Blakely and Jamie are fighting for their PRIZE!…….the games have begun!…..Jaclyn is SOO mean, she makes Erica look sweet!………i must say, KALON is looking good compared to most of this cast!!………NG>>> “i’m getting freaked out…..WINE me!”…..(on A lister cast offs to D lister newbies!…) you are simply the BEST!….keep up the gREAT work!…….LOVE IT!!!!!!! xoxoxo Pam…

    Comment by Pamela B... — August 1, 2012 @ 5:39 am

  27. Natalie, I love reading your blogs, even if I am behind!

    I did want to comment on something though. You said “Unless someone is a true alcoholic, I get very uncomfortable around people who just simply choose not to drink. Don’t trust em’.”

    I’m sure people who choose not to drink all have their reasons, and I wish people would respect that. I grew up with alcoholic parents and also have other family members who are alcoholics. This has just made alcohol very unappealing to me, so I choose to drink only rarely. I think you’re a great person, and I just wanted to share this so you keep it in mind.

    Comment by Kim — August 24, 2012 @ 7:23 pm

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