Natalie’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 5

Puerto Rico: Ben is getting his Puerto Rican swag on with his Sister Wives…

After Ben left Park City, I realized his search for love is officially illegal.  Chris Harrison delivers the first date card and it’s in Spanish. The look of confusion on Casey S. and Elyse’s faces when Jamie read the date card in Spanish were hilarious.  They looked as confused as I do when someone offers me a beer.  DUH! I only like wine! (Cough, sneeze, throat clear, hint hint, Ben. I need some of your wine shipped to me ASAP.) As Courtney rolls her eyes, Nicki jumps up and down with delight that she finally gets one on one time with Ben.

The irony of Courtney’s shirt is ahhhhhhmazing.  When she looks at her shirt, she must think it’s opposite day.  Bad guuurl needs a swat on the nose by a rolled up newspaper.  Nooooo!

Ben and Nicki:  Estas enojado que te buscas esta sentivo para nada? Soy una maricon.

Ben winks in a pretty creepy way when he asks Nicki, “Can’t wait to see the island, huh?”  Oh boy.  Rumor on the street is that Ben asked my dad (God) to make it rain earlier that day, because word had it, Nicki was wearing white.  Now that they are “wet,” Ben suggests that they go shopping for Old Puerto Rican clothes.  I would die to have this date!  How fun!  I love different eras and cultures of fashion.  This is up there on my lists of dream dates!  I’m sort of obsessed with what they picked out to wear.  In the beginning, Ben stated he had Puerto Rican swag and I couldn’t agree more!  Check out his skeez!

Nicki looks festive and sexy in her bold colored maxi, and Ben looks suave in his Puerto Rican, Latin swagger, gangster wear.

Most Americans only know about 5 words/phrases on average in Spanish.  Any chance an American gets to use them with a Spanish speaking person, gives them a hard on.  It’s embarrassing to watch these five words/phrases get overused this episode:

1.) Como Estas

2.) Muy Caliente

3.) Bien

4.) Si

5.) Hola

Nicki has a heart to heart with Ben and announces that she will only get married again if it’s “the real deal.”  Hmmm.  Doesn’t everyone think it’s “the real deal” when they agree to devote the rest of their lives to each other?  Nicki then continues to say that it was hard to see the people getting married.  Um, she is on a date with Ben whom she may potentially be engaged to within a few weeks and she can’t even watch a happy couple get married, because it brings back memories of her old marriage?  Hmmmm…as much as I like Nicki, she is nowhere near ready for this type of commitment.  As Cannon in D plays amongst this awkward wedding they are creeping on, I wonder if Ben will give her the rose.  OK, she got the rose.

The only thing more awkward than Ben and Nicki’s kiss was Monica’s dress from last week. Ben is sitting Indian style facing her, but her body is facing straight forward and her uncrossed legs look uncomfortable. Nice.  I do, however, like Nicki’s baby blue, bodycon strapless dress.  The fabric hugs her toned body showing off all of her curves.

Group Date:  Too bad Monica isn’t still here, she is used to batting for both teams.

When Chris enters the baseball stadium telling the girls that only the winning team will continue the date through the night, I thought Courtney was going to be a lot more upset that Ben chose Lindzi to automatically continue the date win or lose.

“I didn’t know that strippers knew how to play baseball.” – Courtney Haaaamazing.

Is this how strippers dress to play ball?  Note that every girl there was wearing their baseball t-shirt normally except Blakeley, who found a way to skank it up.

WOW.  Some of these girls are so uncoordinated it’s unbelievable.  Watching them catch, throw and run was like watching Bambi on ice.  Blakeley was irritating the crap out of me talking like a softball coach shouting things like, “Come on Jenniferaaaaa!” as she smacked her gum.

Watching the girls cry in the bus was sheer comedy to me.  Have I ever gone on a couple dates with a guy and cried like a 17 year old girl when I couldn’t spend more time with him one night? Ah hell no! These girls are derailed in the love department.

I have one burning question for you all:  Ben’s throwing error…intentional?  I think so!  Kacie B. and Courtney are his chosen ones and they were on the same team.  He realized if he wanted more time with them, then they would have to win.  Trust me, I would have done the same thing!  It’s his future, after all.

Ben and Elyse: Yacht the hell? Elyse gave up her job AND best friend’s wedding to be on TV?  Freudian slip.  I meant, to gamble with love?

Finally, we get to see something we never see on this show.  A date on a yacht, or something like that.  These two have zero chemistry, but the date seems fun.  I would never have wasted the “yacht” date on someone I didn’t want to smooch away with during the sunset!  It was obvious Ben was not giving her the rose, and from the start of their date I was on my hands and knees praying to God that Elyse would not beat him up when he denied her.

Ben makes a toast to Elyse about being the best-dressed couple on the beach.  Judging by their attire, they are OBVIOUSLY the only couple on the beach. O.M.JAYSUS I’m freaking out here!  It’s coming! It’s coming!  Is this going to be pay-per-view worthy? Ahhhhhhh psych!  She leaves in tears in a little tugboat.  Damn.  I needed her to stick around to entertain me.  Courtney sums things up for us as to why Elyse didn’t get the rose when she states, “Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.”  BOOM.

Ben and Courtney: Word to your Mom. She came to get down. 

These two nuggets go skinny-dipping in the most awkward of ways.  I can’t imagine what his mom and sister are thinking at this point.  Maybe in real life this would have been kind of fun and crazy, but given the circumstances that she knew his family and friends would be watching is insane to me.  I may have taken my top off on the Bachelor Pad, BUT, I wasn’t trying to fall in love AND we were in a nude pool for crying out loud! (I’m still justifying the situation to myself, so screw off.) Courtney pretty much begged and pleaded for Ben to take her skinny-dipping. Even as they were stripping down, they didn’t say a word or even playfully laugh. It was like a first, open mouth kiss at a co-ed party in 7th grade.

Rose Ceremony:  Someone call the Doctor, Emily is vomiting up words.

It’s obvious that Courtney told Casey S. about the skinny-dipping.  The two are exchanging laughs back and forth the whole time.  I guess every villain needs a sidekick!  #TeamSatan (we will call them). Hahaha, I joke, I joke!  Ben is honestly making me question his integrity and motives as he smooches up on Jennifer at the cocktail party, only to send her to the curb before women he clearly has no feelings for, such as Jamie and Casey.  Poor Jennifer:( I felt awful for her and am honestly so confused.  Did this not catch anyone else off guard?

On a Courtney note, I think she acts almost the same in front of Ben as she does in front of the girls.  She begged him to skinny dip, she makes little jabs at the girls right in front of him, she talks in a different tone with him that sounds fake, she doesn’t look at him sincerely and a lot of guys would be able to see through that.  I don’t feel bad for Ben at all.  He is a grown man making his own decisions.  For all we know, he may like girls like that.  Aside from Courtney’s obvious catty side, I think her one-liners are absolutely hysterical and she is making this a damn good show to watch!  You may not like her, but you have to admit it! To be honest, if I were Ben, I’d be so exhausted by the end of this that I would just want to be alone and single.

As for Emily, I see where she is coming from, but she should have learned to keep quiet from last week’s squeal.  She sincerely cares about Ben and isn’t telling him about Courtney selfishly.  She is doing it selflessly for him.  Emily knows that making Ben aware of Courtney will make herself appear as either jealous or a tattle tale in Ben’s eyes, but she cares about Ben so much that she just wants to see him happy whether it be with her or another nice girl there.  

Did Emily shoot herself in the foot this time?  Not quite yet.  Lucky for this “damsel in a dress,” she got a rose. 

The Good:

I’m loving Lindzi’s cute, one shoulder sequined frock!  The loose fit is the perfect style to pull off sequins, as it doesn’t come off tacky or easy.  Does this girl ever have a bad day in fashion?  Nope!

Courtney always looks great at the rose ceremonies.  I wouldn’t expect anything less considering modeling clothes is her job and she probably had access to several show rooms before she came on the show. The empire waistline, baby doll cut works well for her long, lean body.  I also appreciate how she wore a revealing neckline in a tasteful way.  Unfortunately, ladies with natural or fake, large yambas can not pull off what Courtney is wearing tonight without looking bigger. GetzStyle Tip:  Dress for your body type.  There are so many styles of dresses out there. Do your research and choose which is best for you.

This is the best shot I could get of Rachel’s dress, so I apologize.  I’m in love with the Mustard color, cinched waistline, gathered material, short length and overall fit.  She looks phenomenal!  Come on, ABC!  Give us some better shots of the best dressed!:)  Oh wait, this show is about love, not fashion? (Talk to the hand.)

The Bad:

Jennifer has issues in the dress department, but not the love!  I’m sure this sweet girl will have no problem finding a good dude.  I have many in mind for her already:) Must befriend! On a negative note, her dress was a little too hippie looking for me.  I was waiting for her to pull out some peyote and start talking about being a vegan or something.

Jamie’s dress looks like Gadzooks knocked up Forever 21 and out popped a hot mess. I mean, what is going on with this girl?!  She is so cute, but the only time I’ve legitimately ever heard her talk is when she says, “yes,” after Ben asks her to accept the rose.

“Threads of Shame” Vault:

Jamie’s dress tonight. *Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Jamie’s 3rd time being in the vault.  Can she escape her dreaded title of worst dressed?  Can she pull off a comeback?  Time will only tell.  I sure as hell nope not, because then I will have less to laugh at.  If I liked everything, I’d be bored, so thank you, Jamie.

GetzStyle Award:

Rachel wins!  I just simply loved her mustard colored rose ceremony dress.  It was playful and flirty just like her sweet personality.  I wish we had more clear shots of this dress.  Hopefully Possessionista will clear up the mystery of where to find this fabulous dress in her blog this week!

Every single one of these women has the chance be an “accessory” to murder Ben’s single life.  The question is, who will live to see another date?  You never know what war you will be fighting when you wake up everyday.  Make sure you are dressed to kill.  


Natalie Getz

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