Episode 9: Testing. Attention, Please.

Sean slowly comes out of the water and perfectly rubs his face and hair in a sexy way. I bet he wouldn’t do that if a camera weren’t on him. He is so vain… He probably thinks this blog is about him.

Sean and Lindsay: Interrupted, awkward love.

I love how Sean always tells the girls how cute they look:) He always says it in a sincere and playful way! As Lindsay strolls up in a baby blue, knee-length skirt and basic white tank, I knew she was getting a rose. (That and when the computer was paused on her, my bf asked me who the “big booby ho” was.) She clearly has some sexual appeal.

Ok. Take my fear of birds and make them look like clowns, ya, that will basically push me over the edge. (Feeling right now for Donna Taylor) Most of you are thinking that this is inhumane. I actually find it refreshing that the birds are finally getting treated poorly. I’m sick of them eating free breadcrumbs and shitting on my car. Hate me all you want, I hate birds more.

I don’t get why Sean is always “testing” people. It’s like, who cares if someone doesn’t want to scale a building, jump into ice water in the freezing cold or eat bugs… Does this kind of stuff determine a future with someone? If a man ever dumped me because I wouldn’t do something disgusting or dangerous, then I would only do these things to get him back, only to dump him for being an idiot.

I want to hold these monkeys just as bad as the girls want to hold Sean’s ____ (fill in the blank in the comment section below). One of the cutest things I have ever seen is this little pal eating out of Sean’s pasty, pale hand. This date is my favorite, minus the colored birds and edible bugs. I feel like the only reason birds exist in the first place, is because Satan and Big Bird took flirtation too far.

I really like Lindsay’s dress during the evening portion of her date with Sean. I feel like she bought it in Thailand, because it totally fits the theme of the island city and it’s culture. The top fits like a corset and looks great on her curvy figure. Just when Lindsay is about to tell Sean she loves him, a crew of crack nail islanders appear out of nowhere, high on hallucinogens, and dancing poorly.

Sean takes Lindsay to the fantasy suite where I was completely shocked that there was only one bed. Looks like two world records will be broken on this show. Longest kiss AND longest cuddle session. Lindsay finally tells Sean she loves him, only it seemed super forced and extremely awkward.

Sean and AshLee: Cave Crying

AshLee looks cute and casual in an off the shoulder, short sleeve sweater over a racer back tank with white, cut off denim shorts.

AshLee not only talks non stop about her love for Sean, but she just went next level by calling him the love of her life. This is a bit odd considering Sean is not “her” man yet. I’m with Sean and worried about her post break-up.

OH MY GOD I’m getting really irritated with AshLee’s metaphors and constant relating of everything they do to her feeling abandoned. Her story is so upsetting, and I do really like her, but she needs to relax. Most people would be afraid to go into a dark cave trapping them in the water regardless if they were abandoned as a child or not. She keeps saying she is going to be extra vulnerable considering she is scared to go in a cave. I think she meant to say she would be extra scared. Yes. Or she should be thinking that instead.

When Sean chimed in with the metaphors, it pushed me over the edge. “AshLee and I were both scared, but then we saw the light at the end of the tunnel.” PUKE ALERT. AshLee continues to talk about her love for Sean, and even says she thinks that there are no two human beings that are more perfect together than the both of them. Now I’m ultra worried.

AshLee claims she has been super worried about what’s going to happen at the fantasy suite, because she doesn’t know what’s going to happen. I can tell you one thing that won’t happen: Penetration. She mentions that she doesn’t want to morally put herself out there if Sean is doing the same thing with the other two girls. I’m confused here… AshLee is in love with Sean, yet doesn’t want to cuddle with him because he has two other girlfriends that he is also in love with. Um, does she know what love is?

At dinner, AshLee and Sean have a great conversation:

Sean: Don’t you get irritated when people ask us why we are still single?

AshLee: Well, I know why I am. I scare people away, because I cry a lot. Why are you?

Sean: I was too busy in my twenties chasing other things, like my career and tail.

AshLee: I’m glad you are a virgin again.

Sean: I basically just said I was a virgin so that I didn’t have to pay for all my children running around out there.

AshLee: (gushing) You are so smart Sean. Another reason why I’m so in love with you.

Sean: Ya girl. Wanna go to the fantasy suite?

AshLee: Yes, only because I trust you. This experience has shown me how to trust someone.

Sean: That’s exactly what my other girlfriends are telling me right now. I’m glad all 3 of you trust me. Now, let’s move to Utah and start an illegal family.

AshLee: You are my soul mate.

Sean and Catherine: Flipping Out

I hate Catherine for not wearing any makeup whatsoever and looking beautiful.

I thought Catherine’s sundress was super cute, but the white swimsuit underneath was very distracting and didn’t go with the theme. There are ways to make your bikini top flow with your cover-ups. This is not one of them. As for the swimsuit in general, I just don’t like it. Too much material on top or something.

Who out there would honestly hold hands under water while scuba diving? I guess this is the closest thing to sex for Sean, so I’ll let him have it. If it were I, I’d be like, “Yo, don’t touch me. The only reason I’m on this show is to experience expensive situations and you are flat out ruining it.”

Catherine and Sean’s date was probably the most intimate as far as body language and conversation is concerned. Out of all the three women left, I’m rooting for her. Now that Des is gone, I honestly don’t even care. Sean is a confused boy right now and I seriously feel bad for him. Why? Because he can’t even tell his own mother who he loves next week. He is a few days away from choosing a woman to spend the rest of his life with, yet he still doesn’t know who it is? SUCCESS.

You know, for the record, I wouldn’t open up about my past to the Bachelor until we were married and legally bound. Otherwise, I’d be dumped night one. On another rant/note, all these women are weird about going to the fantasy suite with Sean.

Rose Ceremony: Good Will Humping

I’m so infatuated with Catherine’s flowing red, strapless dress. It is effortless, yet radiant, and she is rocking it. Lindsay’s high-low electric blue dress was playful, sexy and island appropriate. Now, as for AshLee… I’m just going to go ahead and say it. She is a pastor’s daughter on national television and her breasts are basically showing. I’ve never seen porn, and thanks to her, my streak is tainted. Is she the good girl we think she is? Style speaks truths, and tonight I noticed that one of her breasts is the size of my life. Cover that up, girl!

AshLee is pissed at Sean once she doesn’t receive a rose. I would be mad if I were her too! He tells her that she is the one and that he has known this since the beginning. Maybe Des’s bro is right. He played with her mind a little bit. I do think Sean is a good guy, but he led her on to think she was the end all be all. I don’t think he meant any harm, but this only proves that he is easily persuaded and weak. I’m going to get so many mean comments and I can’t wait. For real. All you Sean lovers, bring it on.

Botox Diaries:

I HOPE Lindsay isn’t getting the Tox at this young of an age, but she is playing around with Sean and raising her eyebrows, but her forehead is going nowhere. Even babies get wrinkled foreheads. She may just be incredibly blessed with a muscle less forehead, but I doubt it. I’m an expert in this area, because I too love an occasional injection.


Natalie Getz
Twitter: @nataliegetz