NATALIE’S BACHELOR PAD BLOG: EPISODE 1

Episode 1:  Rehab, Bitchesssss. 

Chris Harrison begins the show by introducing us to the cast.  He literally says Bachelor Pad is for those who want to make money, or those who want to hook up. He said. “hook up.”  Not find love.  But, “hook up.”  This show is so raunch!  He explains that every season has the same type of people and goes on to list the titles in the house.  Here is who I think falls into those categories.

The Lover: Chris B.

This picture doesn’t suck.

The Villian:  Kalon

I mean, what a freakin’ weirdo.  I don’t think I need to explain how creepy this photo it.  Maybe if Kalon took some time away from the botox doctor he could do some crunches and get something real, like abs.

The Fighter: None of these guys look like they could handle a fight.  Especially Reid.

I suppose he did fight pretty hard for Jillian’s heart.

The Good Girl:  Lindzi

I’m excited to see more of Lindzi’s fashion.  She has great casual style, and Bachelor Pad is obviously much more casual than the Bachelor, so we will be seeing a lot!

The Crazy Girl: Blakeley

Who gets their ass waxed? I wouldn’t want to catch Blakeley on a bad day in that waxing room….REDRUM…REEEEDRUUUUUM!

The one you love to hate:  Ed

Ed appears to be at a “Single and Mingle” happy hour party.  We love him because he is funny and endearing, but we hate him for what he fully admitted was true in the tabloids.

The Bitch:  Jaclyn

Ok, Chris H. didn’t throw this title out, but I did.  And I’m giving it to Jacklyn.  Why?  She is freaking hilarious and her bitchy comments are going to be the reason I love her.  Her one-liners are brutally mean, but some of the funniest I’ve heard on this show.

Arrivals:  Blakeley’s breasts arrived in a separate limo. (see deleted scene)

Super fan Paige has great style and I’d expect nothing less of a New Yorker.  She is the only fan cast this season who looks put together, classy and natural.  I would like to see her on The Bachelor.  What do you guys think?

S.W.A.T. looks a little too comfortable watching The Bachelor.  If he really does light candles, pour red wine and wear matching pajamas every Monday, then he may have some emotional issues.  He says he is going on the Bachelor Pad to find love.  Uh…

Donna is introduced to us while sketching a photo of Michael’s face.  This is so wacky. She then claims, ”I felt so bad for Michael when he got his heart broken by stupid Holly.  Why would she break up with him?  She is an idiot.”  Ahhhh crack me up!  She is obsessed!  On a side note, I think that I can fit my head comfortably with breathing room in Donna’s right bra cup.  Bracing myself for the twins…

Oh dear.  I can’t believe what this show has come to.  Male on male action at it’s finest.  It looks like Dave already has a lover back home.

And there we have it.  Wow.  This is like a bad infomercial.  A bad infomercial with poorly dressed twins with wrinkled shirts.

I mean, this is bad.  If I have to watch these two do everything at the same time (including sit ups), I’m going to go insane.  They even put their jeans on the same leg at the same time.

These outfits are painful.  What are they wearing now? I will say, they are freaking hilarious at times.  They mentioned they aren’t jealous of Blakeley because she is 37 and about to hit menopause, and then called Kalon out on his butt chin.  In dedication of the twins I am going to call Kalon “Ass Face,” as they so graciously put it.  These two show some grade A class when they announce that they know who they want to have sex with in order to win the game.  I predict Michael hooking up with both of them.  And I’m obviously kidding.  Whomp Whomp.

I love Lindzi’s long flowing, golden shimmer dress with a plunging neckline and open back.  Normally I don’t like metallic material, but in this situation it works.

Ryan from Deanna’s season walks in and announces to the viewers that he is a 32-year-old virgin, and then tells the crew he doesn’t drink.  Unless someone is a true alcoholic, I get very uncomfortable around people who just simply choose not to drink.  Don’t trust em’.  I am a little confused about Ryan and Sara being on the show, but I suppose we will find out why.  I just cannot for the life of me remember who these two are.

Blakeley and her Z cups enter the Pad.  In the words of Jaclyn:  What the F is she wearing???

A nauseating, white sequin pencil skirt with a sheer orange, long sleeve top with holes in the sleeves over a navy blue tube top.  Wow.  That’s A LOT going on.  In this same photo, we see Rachel’s hot pink cutout dress, which is super cute!  Jaclyn chose a simple, sequin white cocktail dress, which is perfect for the first cocktail party. GetzStyle Tip:  Can we please take note of the difference in sequins between Jaclyn and Blakeley?  Sequins are entirely too easy to screw up.  This is one thing you have to spend a little extra money on.  Buying anything sequin from Forever 21 is probably not a great idea.  Why don’t girls like Blakeley understand why other girls don’t like them?  She just blatantly called out Jaclyn on getting hair extensions on camera.  It’s just rude and bitchy.  If I had hair extensions, the last thing I’d want is to be called out on national television by my frenemy!  PS- I just got offered hair extensions.  I’ve never had them before.  Good idea? Bad idea?  Leave me your thoughts in the comment section:)  This doesn’t all have to be about the Bachelor Pad.  Let’s make it more about me.  Jk. 

 

On to Tony.  Lindzi asks everyone, “I have a question…are you guys here for money or to hook up?”  You think the answer would be obvious:  the money, right?  Tony says he is here for both.  After drunk dialing his son at God knows what time at night, I can see this train wreck hooking up with 3 people this season.

Jamie walks in and I am trying to figure out what in the world is on her black tank top.  Some sort of pin that she got from the fair?  If there is some significant meaning behind it, I apologize!  I just think it looks really tacky.  What’s tackier is her statement necklace.  Whoosh that’s raunchy.  Statement necklaces need to be made from chunky beads and gems, not cheap metal.  Jamie is one of the kinder girls I’ve met from this season, so I feel bad already for talkin’ smack on her outfit, dawg!

Erica looks simply sexy with this edgy little number!  Everything from her toned body, perfectly straightened hair to her natural makeup is very impressive.  Looks like the princess is growing up!  I love my girl Erica for cutting through the bullshit and calling Ass Face out on being a dick right away.  She is ballsy!  Ass Face already made an ass out of himself by pulling up in some expensive car and throwing his keys at Chris Harrison like he was the help.  Michael walks in looking all backstreet in his cooler than cool vest with a crisp, black woven and perfectly tied tie.  I’m glad to see him back!  He’s gotta defend that title!

Paige looks very Jackie-O in a simplified red cocktail dress.  I like the short sleeve look and the boat neck shows off her collarbones.  Paige is classically beautiful!

Alright, are these two twins or Siamese twins?  This is weird.

Cocktail Party:  Where did the virgin go?

A few things happened that I would love to point out. Let’s start with Jaclyn asking Ryan if he was a fan…priceless.  I thought it was super ignorant, but so funny all at the same time!  Rachel then says if a fan walks in and freaks out about wanting to meet her, she is not going to be OK with it.  I mean, didn’t Rachel just get off TV?  It’s not like she is dealing with all this crazy fame and can’t put up with it any longer.  Besides, the second the fans show face on TV, they are already just as “famous” as any other clown in the house.  I mean, the cast is treating the fans like they are A-listers or something.  I’m getting freaked out.  Wine me.

We find out that Blakeley thinks her and Jaclyn are total besties, only to hear Jaclyn claim that she hates Blakeley and her ‘uneducated, vagina waxing ass.’  I don’t think these two are going to get along.  Meanwhile, Paige feels like she is going to pee her pants, which has apparently happened before. All while Ass Face complains about not having enough money for his helicopter fuel and gets into a little fight with Erica.  He then announces, ”Guess what America, your favorite villain is back for Bachelor Pad.  I’m gonna ruin your f%#king summer.”  I feel like him and Rated R the Reality Star would make a fine pair of friends.

10 minutes into the episode and Ed has already gotten in between a girls legs.  And she is upside down. Under water.  ”Yaaaaa!  You got it!” says Ed.  In an attempt to get Ed out of the pool, Sara says one of the funniest lines of the show:  ”Ed, pull it together.  I get it that you’re funny and you have a big *$%&, but pull it together.”

With a towel wrapped around him trying to ward off the intense shakes, Ed isn’t even listening to Chris Harrison’s opening announcement.  He is hammered and now onto Chardonnay.  He then interrupts Chris H. again by farting insanely loud.  I’m honestly shocked that Ed is single?  I’m honestly shocked that Ed is single.

Ed is now shaking water out of his ear, and again interrupting Chris H.  I feel like he suffered a brain injury, or is simply going through a withdrawal of some sort? Chris H. then tries to gain his attention by talking to him like a small child.  It’s been like 10 minutes and I already have 3 amazing photos of Ed.  Ed may very well make this the most entertaining, hilarious season to date! I know that I haven’t laughed this hard at a reality show in a long time.

Competition:  How did Ed last that long?!

The cast struggles to keep themselves from falling out of a heart that is raised in the air and slowly turning over, causing them to flip out.  The strongest guys fall out first so being small was probably a plus in this game.  The twins and David win the first competition and then go on a really boring date that I didn’t watch, because I have no idea who these people are and am not invested enough to watch them on TV.  HUGE MISTAKE having fans on.

Back at the mansion…

Oh God, Blakely has lost it.  Just because they partnered up for the first challenge doesn’t mean they are partnered up the entire time.  And even if they were, what a nut she is!  That’s the best strategy to be partners, but not get romantically involved.  She is crying and being controlling over Chris for making out with Jamie?  Holy cow Blakeley is definitely “the crazy one.”  What I think is even more crazy is that Chris B. didn’t get poked in the eye by Jamie’s obnoxious, fake eyelashes while smooching!  GetzStyle Tip:  Ladies, don’t wear fake eyelashes.  Just don’t.  

Rose Ceremony:

I know it’s casual, but come on Reid!  This shirt looks sloppy and outdated.  I expected better of him!  Ass Face looks nice in this shot, but that doesn’t’ surprise me.  We may dislike him, but sonny has good style.

Jaclyn’s bright blue dress is very modern and super hot!  The back is almost completely open and she styled her side braid perfectly to off set the perfect symmetry of the dress.

The Twins look like they got their dresses at Limited Too, which is probably appropriate due to their age.  Seriously what are they doing on the show?

 

Swat claims,  ”These girls are bullshit, man!  They don’t wanna come to my f-ing face and say they are going to vote me off.”  Um, because it’s a game?  The fans really messed up here telling Erica she was going home.  David will surely be gone next week.  The last person he should have messed with is Erica!  Stag tells Reid that Paige is going home. That it doesn’t matter who Reid votes for because numbers are against them. Michael is so funny as he tells Reid they are keeping Donna for physical reasons.  You can tell he is uncomfortable saying that! LOL!  I think Paige is hands down the cutest fan on the show and am sad to see her gone.  Reid messed up right off the bat by partnering with a fan.  I told him not to do this, but he obviously didn’t listen to me.  I’m done giving advice to the paddlers!  I predict him gone in 2 more weeks.  As we watch Reid and Paige try to count to 5 to figure out the votes, I realize this is why she was sent home.  What was really Erica’s saving grace is that Swat got mad at David and therefor voted off Paige in spite him.  This is already so ridiculous!

Paige and S.W.A.T. go home with class.  Paige’s baby blue empire waist dress is absolutely adorable.  Maybe she can wear it again on the Bachelor?  Swat was really cool to save Erica.  I feel bad he went home, but at least in the end he did the right thing!

 

Best Quotes of the night:

“There is only room for one set of twins in this house.”  Erica Rose (referring to her breasts).

“It’s just such a mess here.  Ed is Naked in the pool.  There are twins.”  -Stag

“If you f-ing let me down I will chop off all of your limbs.”  -Blakeley (Chis needs to run.  Fast.)

“I’m stuck with Ed.  The drunk f-ing loser.”  -Jaclyn (after everyone scrammed to get a partner for the challenge)

X O X O

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