NATALIE’S BACHELOR PAD BLOG: EPISODE 2
Episode 2: J. WOW.
As Blakeley put it, this really is just like watching the Jerry Springer Show. The only difference? This is slightly trashier. I can’t wait to see a “where are they now” on the Twins in 5 years.
Competition: Of Course Stagliano would be good at this. Of Course.
Instructor: Do you know how to hula hoop?
Instructor: Do you want to learn?
You know how gymnasts always seem to be stuck in the 90’s? Either Jamie really went all out, or she just fits the mold. Bright red lipstick with a high bun and scraggly styled 90’s bangs blinded me. You know? There are still ways to make a tacky gymnastic suit look cute, and this is NOT one of them. The bright blue eye shadow worries me for a few different reasons, but I won’t go there. The main reason that the girls don’t in any way shape or form resemble an actual gymnast? The answer is quite obvious: Their bazongas.
Ass Face claims he was relieved, but also shocked that the girls were so bad at their routine stating, “Shopping and gymnastics, like what the f@#k else do you have to do in your life?” Well, Ass Face, we do a lot. Not that you would know, because you are constantly holed up at the local Ralph Lauren chain store busy being a “luxury brand consultant.” And for the record, you seem the type to excel at gymnastics.
Weird that Stagliano makes himself the center of attention throughout the routine. He starts with himself positioned in the middle of all the guys and counts out every move. Remember the synchronized swimming competition last season? This is obviously going to give him a rose. This is also why he won all the challenges on BPad 2 and now 3! He is a true competitor.
Michael and Blakeley win, and Donna immediately starts obsessing over going on a date with Michael. She runs like hell to the nearest tanning bed to get her fix in and then starts sketching some new drawings. This time she focuses on close ups of Michael eyes, nose and mouth in an attempt to win a date with the man of her dreams. (I may or may not have made up the last couple sentences.) Donna says a few conceded lines such as, “Guys normally flock to me. They obsess over me,” and, “I never need to try to get a guys attention.” Er, where is this chick hanging out? In Tampa? No offense Dave Good. Maybe I’m just pissed that Donna never sketched a photo of me. Seriously though, that’s sort of bull shit.
Michael’s Date: “Holly” Crap.
Michael loves acting like the Bachelor so much so, that I think he is forgetting this is Bachelor Pad as he makes out with Rachel AND Donna. The girls want to win money, not his heart…and they are putting the moves on hardcore!
I think Michael is taking it upon himself to get noticed by Dancing With The Stars. If that’s not the case and this “chest out, hips sway move” was intentional and serious, then I can’t wait to make fun of him to his face next time I see him;) Don’t get me started on his outfit. It’s way to Broke Back for my liking.
Holyyyyy Crap is right, Michael. Holy. Crap.
The last thing I would do to someone who was obsessed with me and drew pictures of me would be to make out with them. Michael doesn’t look into this tongue massacre with Donna at all as he places his hand on the wall to show off his outfit. Donna licks Michael’s face and mouth as Michael nibbles her tongue. Where is Jamie when you need her for “making out 101?” What is going on here?!
Back at the Mansion: Ryan prepares the room to make his first time special.
Oh my God this is not happening. The non-drinking V is wearing a polo. An Abercrombie and Fitch, freaking polo. Oh My Wow, he needs help. He is even wearing it the way my high school friends did back in 1999. A ring collared crew neck under a tight polo. WHAT. He then takes Jamie away to creepsville and shows her the birthday shrine he has created for her. He baked a cake, spelled stuff with licorice, decorated with rose petals, and decked out the room with streamers and balloons. I’m pretty sure Jamie would trade this all in for an exotic toy and pinot noir.
Ryan took Jamie away from the crew to give her a sushi dinner. Jamie is so stressed, because she wanted alone time with Chris, but can’t be rude so she sucks it up and hangs with Big V. As she complains about the recent news from Ryan that Chris doesn’t want to be her partner, she kinda flips out and puts on clothes to mourn her loss.
These certainly are great funeral gloves. Oh, and Chris is all over the place. He better be careful! Just because Blakeley won, he is ditching Jamie that fast? He SHOULD HAVE PULLED Jamie aside and told her he was going to play on Blakeley’s feelings to get the rose, then come back safe and save her and become her partner the following week. Or he could have told her he was “pretend” staying with Blakeley to throw everyone off, but made a secret partnership with Jamie instead. These people know nothing. NOTHING!!!
Nicely done Chris. I spoke to soon and he did exactly what he should have. He told Jamie to sit tight while he played Blakeley. He should have told her before Ryan got the chance. Never tell someone what you are going to do before you do it. #BachelorPad101
Blakeley is chilling in the hot tub, oblivious as to what is going down. I love Blakeley’s swimsuit on her. The color is great with her skin tone and is classier than I’ve seen her in. Is that a tattoo on her lower left stomach? Blakeley has got some serious skeletons in her closet. Some ass kicking skeletons.
Blakeley’s Date: “Let’s get a little racy and get in the pool.” -F-ing metaphors.
Well, if we didn’t all think Chris looked like a bobble head before…
Chris gets the rose after Blakeley attempts to tease poor David into thinking he was getting it. What a jerk move. I honestly felt bad for David…she didn’t need to be such an A-hole about it. Christ almighty Chris is so hot. He should just walk around shirtless the rest of the season. For all of you hating on Chris for being a player, note that this is a good thing when PLAYING A GAME! He is playing the game beautifully. Love him or hate him, I think he is definitely making final 4. If it’s a cast vote, he won’t win the final challenge after they see all of this though, lol.
Mansion After Party: Ed makes the worst sex noises.
Ed hooks up with Sara, Erica hooks up with Donna (yes, you read correctly), Jaclyn hooks up with Ed, David hooks up with a twin, Chris hooks up with Blakeley, Ass Face hooks up with Lindzi, etc…. This is ridiculous and I love it.
As the twins start fighting, Nick’s snoring gets louder and Jamie throws on yet another tacky top.
UGH. I love this girl! I just don’t like her style. YOU GOTTA KNOW I LOVE YOU, JAMIE! Plus, without her I wouldn’t have as many pictures for my blog:)
Wait, wait, wait a minute. I don’t care if you are sleeping or not, in fact I couldn’t give a care what people wear when they sleep. But when they try to be cute and wear something creepy? Hello Kitty? HELLOOOOO BLAKELEY! You are 37, girl (I think? I’m just going off what the twins said)! Plus, that was an awful nerdy trend 5 years ago picked up by high school kids. The only time it’s cool is when it is age appropriate. When you are between the ages 5-10.
As the two psychos continue to fight, I spy Ass Face and Lindzi in bed together.
two things wrong here…. 1.) The obvious. These two together? 2.) Every girl knows better than to wear make up to bed! What is Lindzi thinking? On both counts?!!!
One of the crazy twins tries to wake up David to say goodbye. She is so concerned and upset about leaving him. He didn’t even flinch when she said goodbye. He was all like, “BITCH, don’t wake me up just leave you crazy spaz!” And then I was all like, “Bitch you better get outta here with that purple turtle neck on.” Seriously, WTF?! OH MY GOD. They are so lucky I wasn’t on this season. I would have locked them out of the house not only for their screaming, but also for wearing turtlenecks.
Rose Ceremony: Yes, let’s send home the non-threatening, sober virgin who has zero chance of winning. That sounds smart.
Chris Harrison looks fantastic in a dark grey suit with a light purple checkered shirt, and a solid egg plant colored tie with a couple diagonal stripes to throw off the perfect symmetry of the outfit.
Lindzi loves her asymmetrical dresses a little too much. Whatever! She looks great in them and knows how to show off her body in a classy way. This light silver cocktail dress is sure to give Ass Face a major word that rhymes with loaner.
For freaking real, Ryan. Abercrombie and Fitch on a 32 year old is not acceptable. Don’t use your virginity as an excuse. People who remain celibate can still mature fashionably.
This is not a good look for Jaclyn. The dress is way too tight and short, plus the one sleeve thing isn’t working for this particular dress.
Jamie keeps trying to play with her hair and do anything to get her funeral gloves some air time. She thinks they are cool. Jamie, I really like you. Please let me help you. We can work through this and get you on track to better style:)
Yes, Reid is handsome. But, this is not the point of the picture. I’m simply pointing out the tacky hickey on the dude’s neck behind him. Who is this?! Hold please. I’m fast-forwarding to do some investigating. (pause——–) And the winner of tackiest neck hickey is…… Drum Roll please……….Holy shit, it’s Michael Stagliano. Shouldn’t he be standing next to Blakeley? I thought he was passing out roses to the girls for winning the challenge? Oh wait, it’s because the girls are safe. I’m totally shocked!
Sara made a bad move telling Ed she voted for him. Is she playing the game or here to cry about it? Honesty is NEVER the best policy inside the Bachelor Pad unless it’s benefiting you or it’s within your alliance. If Ed were in Sara’s alliance, she wouldn’t have voted him out. These people really do play a bad game…
“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H.L. Mencken
X O X O
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