Reid’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 5

Ok. This blog is mostly devoted to Darth Courtney the Reality TV Terrorist.

As if hijacking Bens mind, body and soul wasnt enough, she has now taken over my blog.

But first i’ll talk about Ben and Nicki’s date.

Ben doesnt seem very excited to go on a date with Nicki, He says that Nicki brings out the child in him, yeah but thats not enough because Courtney brings out the blood flow to his nethers.
While its raining on their date, Nicki says “Nothing can rain on this parade” Oh yeah. Courtney, the dark soul of Vieques can. They go clothes shopping. For me, the only highlight of this date was when Nicki attemps to speak Spanish but she cant say the word Muy. Mooy, MMOOOUY MOOOOY caliente. I had that stuck in my head the rest of the episode. In fact it’s been in my head all day today. This may be me just being weird but does anyone think that all girls named Nicki kind of resembles each other? Think of all the Nickies you’ve ever known.

The rain stops and they sit on a bench together in old San Juan observing a wedding at a chapel. It brings back memories for Nicki because she was once married but since divorced. Foreshadowing maybe? I don’t think so. Not with Darth Courtney around. The night date with Nicki opens up to Ben inquiring about her divorce. Ben likes her open and honest answers/nature so she ends up getting the rose.

Back at the house Blakeley and Elyse the fitness girl are having a pointless argument about who deserves to get the one on one date. The date card arrives and says “diamonds are a girls best friend” Now all the girls are excited thinking there is jewelry involved. So they must have been pretty let down when they pull up to a baseball diamond. Man, you really can’t tease girls with diamonds. That’s like giving a dog a piece of bloody meat and trying to get it back again. Not good a good way to start a date!

The girls start doing drills with the coaches and then Chris Harrison miraculously shows up. Anyone else think it would be cool if Chris Harrison showed out of a smoke cloud? Poof! Where does he come from all the time?

He explains that there is going to be a ton of one on one time at the night event. The bad thing is that not all of the girls are invited. Only the #winning team of the baseball game would get to go. Two teams but one extra girl. Ben picked Lindzi. She played for both teams which meant she automatically got to on to the beach party night time date.

The girls are in a hilariously fierce game. They were all surprisingly athletic. Courtney – ” Blakeley is like a champion out there.” Right when I thought Courtney may finally be saying something nice about someone she proceeds with saying ” Who knew strippers could play baseball.” Actually a pretty funny and classic line.

Thank god the red team won because I wanted to see more of Courtney and Casey S. A helicopter lands on the field to pick of the winning red team. Seems normal enough. Blakely sits and cries about not getting more time with someone she is really having strong feelings for. Where did that come from? Courtney says something like she can’t handle anymore group dates and her head is going to pop off is she goes on anymore of them. I think she meant that her head will start spinning 360 degrees while spewing projectile green vomit if she goes on anymore group dates. That would be more fitting. I wonder if she levitates when she sleeps?

Courtney thinks that Lindzi has an annoying personality and finally admits that Kacie worries her a little bit. Its the first time we’ve noticed any weakness out of Courtney. Its the battle between good and evil.
Kacie gets the rose. He likes that she listens to him and that he can easily open up to her. Casey S is almost becoming Courtney’s evil side kick. Courtney laughs Casey Laughs etc…Courtney steals ben on the group date, the girls curse her

Elyse goes on the one on one date. Of course they kiss while on the yacht because Ben kisses everyone. Elyse seems to be having a good time because she makes a comment like ” why don’t we just forget about everyone, end this now and just get married in Vieques?” Ben doesn’t know how to respond to any of her professions of loves, so he basically avoids the subject and suggests they just jump off the side of the boat.

Ben and Elyse have dinner on the beach during the night portion of the date. Everything seemed to be going swimminly enough to receive the rose and I actually think that Elyse grew on me during this date, However, it wasnt enough for Ben. She wasnt quite evil enough (pinky pointing to the corner of my mouth) In an ******* move (forgive my french) Ben picks up the rose as a glow grows on Elyses face only to let her down by saying he didnt see what he wanted to see out of her on the date and sends her home. That’s screwed up! You really had to pick the rose up and get her all excited just to let her down? That ain’t right. He didn’t seem interested in one thing she was saying anyway.

Meanwhile, back at the house just as the girls were discussing whether or not Elyse will stay or go a mysterious man comes to take her bags away. The girls are floored and dumbfounded that she got sent home and all Darth Courtney could say was ” Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out” Courtney, you evil siren, that was a low blow. You need a time out or maybe an exorcism. She says something mean and then sips her glass of red wine. Anyone ever see the Trailer Park Boys? It’s a Canadian sitcom about a group of friends that live in a trailer park. Anyway, one of the characters always has a Jack and Coke in his hand no matter what they are doing. Its classic, and that’s what she reminds me of. Then sarcastically she says Elyse going home almost “blew her panties off.” Classy line Courtney, very classy.

Courtney surprises Ben in a robe and of course with a bottle of red wine. She makes good on her skinny-dipping promise. Wow, if Ben could only see what the viewers are seeing he would run so far in the other direction. I mean, she may be a serial killer. Man, now I’m hungry for some peanut butter crunch. I digress.

She obviously only wants to win so she will have access to all the red wine she can drink. I bet Courtney fantasizes about running nude through vineyards and swimming through lakes filled with red wine or maybe blood.

All that said, man, this girl has some game. Haha. Any guy would be tempted by an attractive girl who shows up in a bathrobe with a bottle of wine and then proceeds to strip down to her lingerie on the beach. Game over or Game on is right unfortunately. Wait….I think im starting to like her now after those charades, noooooo Reid nooo. look away. Look away!

Ok, here’s a vote: Did they or did they not have sex in the ocean? I say yes.
Cocktail hour. Ben takes Jennifer the red head kisser outside to chat. They reminisce about their cool date together. She explains how she really wants to take Ben to meet her parents. She tells him how easy he is to talk to and fun and Ben basically in a round about way says, I don’t care, you are just here because i like kissing you so shut up and lets kiss. She’s a nice girl though. I like her. Seems kind and genuine. Too bad he sends her home.

Who is Jamie??

Ok. Then Blakeley has a conversation with Ben that I cant quite describe. It just felt uncomfortable. It’s just weird seeing a girl like that open up out of the blue and say that she writes something down that she likes about him everyday. It was really awkward and sad and then Ben goes in for the Kiss. Man, hes kissed them all. Hes like a kid in a candy shop. Ben is the new Warren Jeffs. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Bachelor history, we have 10 winners! You will all be moving into a house together which will be televised. Its called Real Big Love!

The girls all talk about skinny-dipping and Courtney is actually pretty freaking funny. LOOK AWAY! Emily and Ben go to the beach together. Emily starts off by saying that she was sorry for talking about Courtney and she is now focusing on her and Ben’s relationship and will no longer think about whats going on in the house. She then proceeds to say but I stand by what I said about Courtney, I think she’s a weirdo. Then Ben made a face like a guard dog does when he is about to attack. How DARE you say that about my owner!!! The face was hilarious.

Either way, Emily is smart and normal and trying to warn Ben about Courtney and all Ben says is watch out and tread lightly. Ben is going to be screwed when this all ends.

Jennifer goes home……to be continued……

Follow me on Twitter @reidrosenthal1

38 Comments »

  1. I like Courtney’s passion to win Ben’s love, it is like a Soap Opera in real life, she’s got more game than Michelle Money had and she’s getting the man which makes it fun to watch, and luv Ben he’s so cool and witty. He and Courtney make a cute couple together.

    Comment by Winter — February 1, 2012 @ 3:59 pm

  2. Love your humor and straightforwardness. Reid, we all know you are intelligent (and adorable) so that’s not the issue. However, what’s up w/ all the mistakes and sloppy sentences when you say that this was your best work? Been waiting since Tuesday for your blog – can’t you get Kristen or anyone to edit for you first? Something a fresh pair of (educated) eyes can spot things you can’t when you’re in a hurry.

    Comment by Ehhh — February 1, 2012 @ 4:09 pm

  3. See what happens when you don’t proofread first? I was going for “sometimes” and wrote “something.”

    Comment by Ehhh — February 1, 2012 @ 4:12 pm

  4. Reid,
    Ben has already been screwed…at least once by Courtney and many times by the producers and editors of this show. I can’t watch any longer but will tune in for after the final rose to see how Ben is going to try to scrim his way out of all the bad press he is getting.

    Comment by Liz — February 1, 2012 @ 4:17 pm

  5. Love the blog again this week. I don’t get why Casey S (Courtney’s follower) is still around??? I don’t see any chemistry or interaction whatsoever! I was shocked he let Jennifer go home. I thought she was a keeper! COURTNEY IS COMPLETELY PSYCHO!!!!!!

    Comment by Andrea — February 1, 2012 @ 4:19 pm

  6. Did I hear correctly is Emily Maynard the next Bachelorette?

    Comment by Winter — February 1, 2012 @ 4:46 pm

  7. Your blog was brilliant as usual!
    Who does Ben think he is to say to Emily “Watch out and tread lightly”? That was so disrespectful. I am liking him less and less every week. Maybe he & Darth Courtney deserve each other. A lot of the other girls like Jennifer and Lindzi seem too good for him after his display this week.

    Comment by Bella — February 1, 2012 @ 4:52 pm

  8. You are too cute Reid.

    Enjoyed the read. Actually, Brad was holding the rose when he told Ashley Spivey she is unfit to be a wife.

    Glad you dodged that Jillian Harris bullet. You’ve got a beautiful girl now. A real woman.

    Comment by T — February 1, 2012 @ 5:43 pm

  9. TEAM EMILY. I agree with Bella, I’m starting to like Ben less and less.

    Comment by Stephania — February 1, 2012 @ 5:57 pm

  10. Best review yet – it was so interesting I didn’t even notice any mistakes. Anyways, I love how you are ripping on Courtney, oops I mean “The Model” Courtney. Gosh Reid aren’t you jealous of Ben because he got to skinny dip in the ocean with “A MODEL”. Courtney really must think she’s royalty or something and everybody should be in awe to just be in her presence. Well maybe one of these weeks we’ll get the priviledge of witnessing the exorism of the she-devil.

    Comment by Annettte — February 1, 2012 @ 5:57 pm

  11. I think Reid’s blog is awesome. I really enjoy it and I actually laugh while reading it. I have to agree I think Courtney is from the dark side and hopefully Ben realizes it. I don’t think she should be trusted. Good Job Reid I look forward to reading more!!

    Comment by Jeri Fonacier — February 1, 2012 @ 6:02 pm

  12. Darth Courtney. Love that!

    Comment by lauriel — February 1, 2012 @ 6:10 pm

  13. Reid, such a great blog.
    1) Yes, I think they did the nasty in the ocean
    2) Ben is a douche and a too and one of the most unattractuve guys to be on this show. Absolutely, the ugliest dude to ever be the lead bachelor. And no personality whatsoever.
    3) With his aloofness and “I don’t give a s–t attitude, he deserves Courtney, perfect match.

    Love you Reid wish you were back on tv, please host BP3. We need a funny hot guy, like you, to take the ‘taste’ of Ben out of our mouths. barf.

    Comment by Marci — February 1, 2012 @ 6:13 pm

  14. **correction Ben is a tool**** typo said too

    Comment by Marci — February 1, 2012 @ 6:15 pm

  15. Great blog Reid!

    Being from Canada I enjoyed your Julian/Trailer Park Boys reference. My favorite quote:
    Randy: “Mr. Lahey, is this you talking or the liquor?”
    Mr. Lahey: “Randy….I am the liquor.”

    Anyway, I think Ben has already made his mind up at this point (based on the way the way he talks to a lot of the other “non-Courtney/Kacie B.” girls.) He doesn’t even try to sugar-coat what he says, and if you get under his skin just a little bit you’re as good as gone. As long as you keep quiet like Jamie, Kacie S., and Rachel he will keep you around. Look at what happened to Elyse and Samantha.

    Before the rose ceremony, Jennifer must have said “I wouldn’t mind another 1-on-1 date sometime in the near future” and that totally sent Ben over the edge. He just wants to enjoy his vacation until he inevitably has to choose between Courtney and Kacie B. in a few weeks.

    Agreed on Courtney being great TV – hopefully we see her again on Bachelor Pad (assuming she doesn’t go into the Witness Protection program for all the death threats she’s gonna get). If it were me I would pick Emily, she seems to have a lot of personality and has awkwardly-charming facial expressions. Kacie B. is sweet and all but she kind of just sits there and blushes.

    Comment by Marc — February 1, 2012 @ 6:40 pm

  16. Courtney must have tons going for her because she’s got ALL of Ben’s attention as well as that of 90% of the viewers. She’s totally cracking me up the way she has people all psyched out! She really is #winning! LOL!

    Comment by Louisa — February 1, 2012 @ 6:41 pm

  17. Funny blog Reid! Btw- my husband watches that stupid show trailer park boys all the time..must be julian your talking about!! Love your humor, keep up the blog – makes this season worth watching

    Comment by Carly — February 1, 2012 @ 6:56 pm

  18. Nicki’s difficulty with the Spanish language reminded me of…
    “Reid Rosenthal: Soy grande? Is that “I’m great” or “I-I’m big”?”

    Comment by Marc — February 1, 2012 @ 7:01 pm

  19. Agree.

    WHO IS JAMIE….AND WHY IS SHE STILL ON THE SHOW?

    Comment by SKae — February 1, 2012 @ 7:19 pm

  20. To T regarding Brad holding the rose…

    Brad was on a 2 & 1 date and had to hold that rose while he was choosing btw the two Ashleys – he picked that up to give it to someone – just Ashley H. instead of S. Ben didn’t have to pick up the rose – that was a producer move for drama, just not a nice move from one human being to another for kindness. However, how he treated Elize sadly was not his only moment of extreme insensitivity and douchery. Emily definitely made a mistake w/ him, but he was in the position of power and it was OK for him to disregard her opinions and threaten her w/ rejection. He’s definitely going down as the skankiest contestant in history w/ Courtney – that goes for all the sexes.

    Such nice branding for his wine company – we’re greasy, rude, immature, sleazy douches – please buy our wine.

    Comment by Ben is a DB — February 1, 2012 @ 7:23 pm

  21. That’s hilarious, Marc. I can’t believe Mr. Soy Grande (that moment alone should have made Jillian pick him) made fun of someone else’s Spanish either. :D

    Comment by Funny, Marc — February 1, 2012 @ 7:48 pm

  22. MOOOOY MOOOOY SOY GRANDE

    Comment by reid — February 1, 2012 @ 7:59 pm

  23. *First time comment*

    Just HAD to give you mad props for the “new Warren Jeffs” comment. I think I wet my la-z-boy! Priceless.

    I didn’t like Ben during last season, and this season he’s actually proven himself to be a slug in an ABC suit. I actually gasped (SMH) when he told a visibly distraught and out of character Emily, that she better shut her trap and “tread lightly”. OMG! Hate to tell ya BEEEEEEN, but in REAL life, you’d never have a shot at most of these ladies on here. TRUST ME, …we aren’t “into” your type. The worst of my ex’s have never even remotely treated me like you are treating some of these lovely amazing ladies!!

    I PROMISE you, most of them will (upon re-entering real life again away from the sleepless, booze filled vacation rose colored glasses life on ABC) look back with a HUGE “WTF WAS I THINKING? BULLET DODGED”. Then they’ll bad themselves a great guy, while you are fornicating with the siren from satan. Oh, after you’re broken up.

    ABC needs to start getting some fresh new leads, not recycling…they’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel with Ben! Storm Horse. LOL.

    Comment by Sug — February 1, 2012 @ 9:05 pm

  24. Great blog! Had me cracking up. The image of Courtney levitating while sleeping and running naked through the vineyards is too much! You hit the nail on the head with looking away from Courtney. All she has is her looks, so she’s using and abusing. She may hook a man, but I don’t think she can keep a man! The women need to wear necklaces of garlic and hold crosses to keep safe…or is that to keep vampires away? :) Look forward to reading your thought during the rest of the season!

    Comment by Josie — February 1, 2012 @ 9:30 pm

  25. Great Blog Reid….Such a fitting name: DARTH COURTNEY…You’re so right…she NEEDS an Exorcism…”She’s got her Eye on the Prize”…baaahahahaha..Ben, THE PRIZE????

    Comment by Susan — February 1, 2012 @ 9:39 pm

  26. To Susan – he IS a prize – a BOOBY prize – or just a booby.

    Sug, your comments, especially “siren of satan,” are as funny as Reid’s blog. Made me laugh, and I completely agree.

    Comment by Sophie — February 1, 2012 @ 10:09 pm

  27. You are so hilarious! Funniest thing you wrote: “He says that Nicki brings out the child in him, yeah but thats not enough because Courtney brings out the blood flow to his nethers.”

    I vote that no, they did not have sex in the ocean. I don’t think Ben is reckless enough to have unsafe sex. Leaving the ocean to get a condom from the pocket of Courtney’s robe is a major buzzkill. Plus, if they’d had sex, there is no way Courtney would not have bragged to the camera when she speaks to it alone. Did she touch his penis? I’m sure so. I’m sure Ben had enough fun just having her wet, naked body against his not to go any farther with her. Honestly, the whole thing was reckless, though. ABC should have run a caption that read: “ABC does not condone skinny-dipping with partners whose STD status you do not know without a condom.”

    Comment by Laurie — February 2, 2012 @ 1:12 am

  28. Emily should have gotten sent home. Emily has spent 2 episodes complaining to Ben about Courtney. I respect Ben for saying what is annoying to her is not annoying to him.

    Courtney and Ben have better conversations and are always moving forward in their relationship. Courtney doesn’t talk about the other women on her alone time with Ben she focuses on herself and trying to make Ben fall in love with her. The women resent her competiveness but when they watch the show and see how Courtney has the best quality time with Ben they’ll see her and Ben have real chemistry.

    Comment by Winter — February 2, 2012 @ 3:40 am

  29. Why is Emily Maynard the next Bachelorette? Why didn’t they pick someone from this season? Didn’t Emily say when she went on TV and explained why she broke up with Brad that she would never be a Bachelorette?

    Comment by Winter — February 2, 2012 @ 3:48 am

  30. Loved your blog Reid. But I have always loved you. Ben is a loser and so is Courntey. So maybe they deserve each other. I have lost all respect for him. Keep the blogs coming, they are very entertaining.

    Comment by Deb — February 2, 2012 @ 7:52 am

  31. Did y’all know Ashley Spivey was a plant on Brad’s season. She was cast for laughs. Brad laughed at her. No way would he ever consider marrying her much less dating her.

    Comment by FACTS ONLY — February 2, 2012 @ 9:27 am

  32. Great blog Reid! I love the Darth Courtney stuff :)

    Comment by Ashley Spivey — February 2, 2012 @ 9:28 am

  33. Very amusing work, Mr. Rosenthal. I don’t have any specific comments about the blog itself, but just thought that I’d let you know that you are one of only three people who have been on this show that I would (well, would have – I’m aged and married) considered going out with. Your ongoing writing does nothing to change my opinion.

    Comment by Angela — February 2, 2012 @ 11:14 am

  34. i think courtney is hysterical! the other girls on this season are SOOOO BORING. snooze fest really. courtney is evil, sadistic, sarcastic…basically what i want to see in a reality “love” show. anyone who thinks that this show is about finding love is delusional. how many seasons has it been, 22? 23? and one couple worked out (trista and ryan). this show is about the experience, having fun and fame. period. can’t wait to see all the drama that explodes once everyone knows ben chose courtney. going to be a crazy!

    Comment by kate — February 2, 2012 @ 4:40 pm

  35. Why don’t the people on the Bachelor/Bachelortte that want to be famous get AGENTS after the show.

    Comment by Sunbeam — February 2, 2012 @ 5:09 pm

  36. Yes, the Soy Grande comment came to my mind, too! Reid, you’re great – love your blog. I’ve lost all interest in Ben, and hope the other girls don’t take the rejection by this guy too hard. He deserves what he gets … ironic that he spoke of falling in love before but is never loved in return. Well, chances are – your picker is broken, Ben, and you’re about to repeat the past. Luck to you.

    Comment by bsheer — February 3, 2012 @ 10:05 pm

  37. Okay, I have officially stopped watching this season because I can’t stand Ben or any of the girls. But I will keep reading your blog, Reid, because it’s a helluva lot more truthful and entertaining. The only problem is, I can’t seem to locate it every week. I went from week 2 to 5. What happened to 3 & 4? Anyway, thanks for keeping it real, Reed!

    Comment by Paula — February 6, 2012 @ 10:20 am

  38. :) Love Courtney! Your humour is hilarious but in all reality, she’s just a person stuck on a show with a bunch of boring girls who she can’t relate to as they whine about their childish insecurities :) . If she’s guilty of anything it’s wanting to marry Ben! I say kudos to her for being in this lame situation where she is the outcast and maintaining a self assurance stronger than all these “women” combined.

    Comment by Alicia — February 14, 2012 @ 4:08 am

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