Reid’s Bachelor Blog: Episode 5
Ok. This blog is mostly devoted to Darth Courtney the Reality TV Terrorist.
As if hijacking Bens mind, body and soul wasnt enough, she has now taken over my blog.
But first i’ll talk about Ben and Nicki’s date.
Ben doesnt seem very excited to go on a date with Nicki, He says that Nicki brings out the child in him, yeah but thats not enough because Courtney brings out the blood flow to his nethers.
While its raining on their date, Nicki says “Nothing can rain on this parade” Oh yeah. Courtney, the dark soul of Vieques can. They go clothes shopping. For me, the only highlight of this date was when Nicki attemps to speak Spanish but she cant say the word Muy. Mooy, MMOOOUY MOOOOY caliente. I had that stuck in my head the rest of the episode. In fact it’s been in my head all day today. This may be me just being weird but does anyone think that all girls named Nicki kind of resembles each other? Think of all the Nickies you’ve ever known.
The rain stops and they sit on a bench together in old San Juan observing a wedding at a chapel. It brings back memories for Nicki because she was once married but since divorced. Foreshadowing maybe? I don’t think so. Not with Darth Courtney around. The night date with Nicki opens up to Ben inquiring about her divorce. Ben likes her open and honest answers/nature so she ends up getting the rose.
Back at the house Blakeley and Elyse the fitness girl are having a pointless argument about who deserves to get the one on one date. The date card arrives and says “diamonds are a girls best friend” Now all the girls are excited thinking there is jewelry involved. So they must have been pretty let down when they pull up to a baseball diamond. Man, you really can’t tease girls with diamonds. That’s like giving a dog a piece of bloody meat and trying to get it back again. Not good a good way to start a date!
The girls start doing drills with the coaches and then Chris Harrison miraculously shows up. Anyone else think it would be cool if Chris Harrison showed out of a smoke cloud? Poof! Where does he come from all the time?
He explains that there is going to be a ton of one on one time at the night event. The bad thing is that not all of the girls are invited. Only the #winning team of the baseball game would get to go. Two teams but one extra girl. Ben picked Lindzi. She played for both teams which meant she automatically got to on to the beach party night time date.
The girls are in a hilariously fierce game. They were all surprisingly athletic. Courtney – ” Blakeley is like a champion out there.” Right when I thought Courtney may finally be saying something nice about someone she proceeds with saying ” Who knew strippers could play baseball.” Actually a pretty funny and classic line.
Thank god the red team won because I wanted to see more of Courtney and Casey S. A helicopter lands on the field to pick of the winning red team. Seems normal enough. Blakely sits and cries about not getting more time with someone she is really having strong feelings for. Where did that come from? Courtney says something like she can’t handle anymore group dates and her head is going to pop off is she goes on anymore of them. I think she meant that her head will start spinning 360 degrees while spewing projectile green vomit if she goes on anymore group dates. That would be more fitting. I wonder if she levitates when she sleeps?
Courtney thinks that Lindzi has an annoying personality and finally admits that Kacie worries her a little bit. Its the first time we’ve noticed any weakness out of Courtney. Its the battle between good and evil.
Kacie gets the rose. He likes that she listens to him and that he can easily open up to her. Casey S is almost becoming Courtney’s evil side kick. Courtney laughs Casey Laughs etc…Courtney steals ben on the group date, the girls curse her
Elyse goes on the one on one date. Of course they kiss while on the yacht because Ben kisses everyone. Elyse seems to be having a good time because she makes a comment like ” why don’t we just forget about everyone, end this now and just get married in Vieques?” Ben doesn’t know how to respond to any of her professions of loves, so he basically avoids the subject and suggests they just jump off the side of the boat.
Ben and Elyse have dinner on the beach during the night portion of the date. Everything seemed to be going swimminly enough to receive the rose and I actually think that Elyse grew on me during this date, However, it wasnt enough for Ben. She wasnt quite evil enough (pinky pointing to the corner of my mouth) In an ******* move (forgive my french) Ben picks up the rose as a glow grows on Elyses face only to let her down by saying he didnt see what he wanted to see out of her on the date and sends her home. That’s screwed up! You really had to pick the rose up and get her all excited just to let her down? That ain’t right. He didn’t seem interested in one thing she was saying anyway.
Meanwhile, back at the house just as the girls were discussing whether or not Elyse will stay or go a mysterious man comes to take her bags away. The girls are floored and dumbfounded that she got sent home and all Darth Courtney could say was ” Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out” Courtney, you evil siren, that was a low blow. You need a time out or maybe an exorcism. She says something mean and then sips her glass of red wine. Anyone ever see the Trailer Park Boys? It’s a Canadian sitcom about a group of friends that live in a trailer park. Anyway, one of the characters always has a Jack and Coke in his hand no matter what they are doing. Its classic, and that’s what she reminds me of. Then sarcastically she says Elyse going home almost “blew her panties off.” Classy line Courtney, very classy.
Courtney surprises Ben in a robe and of course with a bottle of red wine. She makes good on her skinny-dipping promise. Wow, if Ben could only see what the viewers are seeing he would run so far in the other direction. I mean, she may be a serial killer. Man, now I’m hungry for some peanut butter crunch. I digress.
She obviously only wants to win so she will have access to all the red wine she can drink. I bet Courtney fantasizes about running nude through vineyards and swimming through lakes filled with red wine or maybe blood.
All that said, man, this girl has some game. Haha. Any guy would be tempted by an attractive girl who shows up in a bathrobe with a bottle of wine and then proceeds to strip down to her lingerie on the beach. Game over or Game on is right unfortunately. Wait….I think im starting to like her now after those charades, noooooo Reid nooo. look away. Look away!
Ok, here’s a vote: Did they or did they not have sex in the ocean? I say yes.
Cocktail hour. Ben takes Jennifer the red head kisser outside to chat. They reminisce about their cool date together. She explains how she really wants to take Ben to meet her parents. She tells him how easy he is to talk to and fun and Ben basically in a round about way says, I don’t care, you are just here because i like kissing you so shut up and lets kiss. She’s a nice girl though. I like her. Seems kind and genuine. Too bad he sends her home.
Who is Jamie??
Ok. Then Blakeley has a conversation with Ben that I cant quite describe. It just felt uncomfortable. It’s just weird seeing a girl like that open up out of the blue and say that she writes something down that she likes about him everyday. It was really awkward and sad and then Ben goes in for the Kiss. Man, hes kissed them all. Hes like a kid in a candy shop. Ben is the new Warren Jeffs. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Bachelor history, we have 10 winners! You will all be moving into a house together which will be televised. Its called Real Big Love!
The girls all talk about skinny-dipping and Courtney is actually pretty freaking funny. LOOK AWAY! Emily and Ben go to the beach together. Emily starts off by saying that she was sorry for talking about Courtney and she is now focusing on her and Ben’s relationship and will no longer think about whats going on in the house. She then proceeds to say but I stand by what I said about Courtney, I think she’s a weirdo. Then Ben made a face like a guard dog does when he is about to attack. How DARE you say that about my owner!!! The face was hilarious.
Either way, Emily is smart and normal and trying to warn Ben about Courtney and all Ben says is watch out and tread lightly. Ben is going to be screwed when this all ends.
Jennifer goes home……to be continued……
Follow me on Twitter @reidrosenthal1