West Lee’s Blog: Episode 3

Mean Girls and Conspiracy Theories–Just Another Day in the Life…

Well folks, I hate to break it to you…but I think this one may already be a wrap. Yep, you heard me. Cut. Fin. Game over. Of course, the show isn’t going to come out and say it until the end, because they want you to keep watching. In the same vein, I’m not going to tell you why I think that just yet, because I want you to keep reading.

I know, I know; I’m an ass. Sorry.

When the lights come up on the third week of The Bachelor, the girls find out they’ll be headed to Ben’s hometown of…SAN FRANCISCO! Wait, weren’t they just in his hometown? How many places is this guy from? Could he be…Frankenstein: “BEN ARM FROM PHOENIX, HEAD FROM TACOMA…BUT HEART STAY HERE WITH YOU, PRETTY LADY.”

I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m pretty excited about going to San Fran. I’m envisioning pot smoking competitions, electric car races and the always-popular “who can dress like the biggest d-bag and hate on everything the rest of society likes” game, otherwise known as Hipster wars.

While the ladies are getting checked in to their hotel, Ben meets with his sister, Julia. She says she’s really excited for him to have a girlfriend, presumably so they can go on double dates and stuff. I have two things to say about this:

1. She does know he’s not leaving this with a girlfriend, right? More like fiance. Fee-ahn-cey. Like Beyonce, but with an F.
2. Thank God Ben didn’t choose Shawntel. She and Julia could be twins. Could you imagine that double date? Turn the lights down a little too low and you could end up making a BIG mistake.

First One-On-One
Emily gets the first date card, which makes me happy because I really like Emily. She’s pretty, smart, not afraid to act a little goofy, and seems like one of the most normal girls in the group. Unfortunately, being ‘normal’ doesn’t usually get you very far on this show, so I’m gonna go ahead and predict that she doesn’t win. But hey, at least I can enjoy her while she lasts.

The date card reads “let’s scale to new heights together.” This worries Emily, because she’s afraid of heights. She hopes she doesn’t pee her pants, but I kind of hope she does…you know, for comedy’s sake.

When she arrives at the date, Emily’s worst fears are realized when she discovers that she and Ben will be…SCALING THE SAN FRANCISCO BRIDGE! Wow, are you kidding me? I’d have given at least one of my baby-makers to go on a date like that, even if it was with Ben; but no, let’s give it to the girl who might actually defecate on herself out of fear.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Emily freezes about halfway up the bridge, so Ben does the only thing he can think of, which is to kiss her. This makes sense, because everyone knows that Bachelor kisses come equipped with angel wings and fluffy clouds. That way if Emily falls she’ll float gently to the ground like an autumn leaf.

Once Emily is healed by Ben’s magical lips (Bachelor kisses also cure anxiety, vertigo and, in some cases, scoliosis), the two finish scaling the bridge. They’re both really excited because if they can climb a bridge together, they can accomplish anything! Yay for tenuous metaphors!

Later, at dinner, they share their dating history. Ben reveals that he proposed once, but it didn’t go well. (Wait, really? When did that happen?) Emily says she tried online dating once, but the site set her up with her brother. There are quite a few jokes about the south I could make here, but 1.) I’m better than that, and 2.) I’m from South Carolina–my state has single-handedly kept the Daily Show on the air for the past several years. So yeah, we’re gonna gloss right over that. Emily gets the rose, in part because Ben thinks she’s smarter than he is and that’s what he wants in a girl. Really? If that’s the case, I’m pretty sure we could shorten this show by about 6 weeks.

I’m actually excited for Emily because she seems really happy and genuine about her feelings for Ben. One little nit-pick though: she said perfect about 10 times in 30 second. “I conquered my fear, and it was perfect. And then we had dinner, and it was perfect. And then we kissed, and it was perfect. And now I’m doing this interview, and IT’s perfect! Perfect perfect perfect PERFECT!!!!” I’m not even going to dispute that Emily is a jillion times smarter than I am, but good lord, someone get that girl a thesaurus.

Group Date:

The next day, it’s time for the group date. The girls exit their hotel wearing short, summery dresses only to find out…they’re going skiing? Turns out the show has closed down a street in San Francisco and made an artificial ski slope, all so Ben and his lovely ladies could strip down to their skivvies and ski down the street.

Yep, a fake ski slope. In San Francisco. I wanted to hate this idea so bad, but as a general rule my brain completely shuts down when I see two things: hot girls in bikinis, and ski bunnies. Combine the two and I was officially a mouth breather for about 15 minutes.

Ben says this has always been on his “leap list,” whatever that is. I’m guessing it’s basically a bucket list, but that was probably trademarked. Anyway, it ends up being a pretty enjoyable date to watch. For the most part, the girls look great in their bikinis, and if that wasn’t good enough some of them are TERRIBLE skiers. Kacie B. is a prime example of this¬–she falls about once every three seconds, but she seems to be having a lot of fun with it anyway. This earns her a lot of points in my book.

(Related Note: I find that women will often get frustrated if they aren’t good at something because they think they aren’t impressing their guy. Ladies, we are much more impressed when you are terrible at something but are comfortable enough with yourself to laugh and enjoy it anyway. Fact.)

Back at the hotel the second date card arrives, and it’s for Brittney. This is a little surprising to me, as I would’ve at least waited until she turned 18 first. She doesn’t appear to be very excited about the date, and without much explanation decides to remove herself from the competition. Poor girl, she must have been missing her Dora the Explorer cartoons.

Returning to the group date, it’s time for the after-party, which Ben leads off by saying he thinks the night will be drama-free. Either he has a serious case of amnesia, hasn’t actually met these women, or he meant that they weren’t going to be acting out any more plays, because those are the only possible explanations for why he might’ve said that. In any case, bad juju my friend. Bad juju.

The highlights/lowlights from the after-party are as follows:

1. Rachel and Ben get their first kiss. It’s pretty tame, mostly just pecks. I find this a little disappointing, mostly because Rachel has a nose ring. Don’t get me wrong, I think nose rings are HOT, but they kind of scream naughty don’t they? All I’m saying is if you aren’t going to get after it, you shouldn’t be allowed to wear one. It’s false advertising. (I still adore you though, Rach).
2. Kacie B. shows flashes of jealousy when she sees Ben kissing other girls. I love this, as I think a little jealous streak is sexy.

3. Ben checks in with Blakely and asks how she’s doing. Blakely says all the girls hate her. Ben then clarifies that what he MEANT to ask was how are her boobs doing. (Not really, but that would’ve been funny, right?)
4. Brittney shows up to announce that she’s leaving. I kind of feel bad for Ben, because in a way it’s like he’s getting dumped on national TV again, but I don’t think Brittney was a strong contender anyway, so he probably doesn’t care.
5. Rachel gets the rose, and we get a brief shot of Monica crying. I’m not sure if she’s crying because she’s upset she didn’t get the rose, happy that Rachel did, or sad that Brittney left. Regardless, is it possible we’re seeing someone else start to unravel? It would be only fitting that after Jenna’s departure, Monica–who set the Jenna crazy train in motion–would be the next to go.

Second One-On-One Date:
I’m afraid I don’t have much to say about this one. After Kacie B., Lindzi is my favorite thus far. She seems like such a sweet, real person, and she and Ben appear so comfortable together that there just isn’t a whole lot to make fun of. I mean, I could say something about their awkward dancing, but even that was cute.

Dammit.

Cocktail Party:
Finally, the good part! Here are my thoughts on the cocktail party, in bullet form:
• Ben tells Jennifer she’s the best kisser in the group. If by best, he means loudest, then yeah…definitely the best.

• Jennifer says she feels herself falling in love with Ben. For the love of God, people, it’s been three weeks! Granted, it’s an intense situation and I’ll admit that Bachelor time is the emotional equivalent of dog years, but THREE WEEKS!

• Is it me, or is Courtney ALWAYS giving the stink eye? Is it possible she was that kid our parents told us about growing up whose face actually got stuck like that?

• Best line of the episode award goes to Courtney: “Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with.” Yeah, you know exactly what she’s talking about.

• Ben tells Courtney he doesn’t know what she did to him, but he’s been thinking about her all week. Two words, Ben: Roofie colada. Or is that a one-word-hyphenate? Roofie-colada? Whatever.

• Shawntel may have been a little over-confident in saying that Ben was going to fall for her after they’d only exchanged texts a few times…well, unless they were picture texts. In that case, it depends on the pictures.

• It was highly entertaining to watch even the ‘nice’ girls go into bitch mode when Shawntel showed up. Dumpster trash? Really, ladies? Look, there’s only two reasons a girl is going to be that mean to a girl they’ve never met before–either because they feel threatened, or they’re jealous. It’s that simple. And they were right to feel that way. I mean, did you see that dress?

• Watching the ladies audition for Mean Girls 2 made me think they should have me back on the show to be the “Ben Nazi.” It’s like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld, but for Ben. Every time I caught a girl being unnecessarily catty, I’d be all like ‘hey Elyse, NO BEN FOR YOU!’ What do you think? Can we make that happen?

• Finally, I don’t know why Ben was having such a hard time deciding on what to do. If I were him, I’d have traded Erika, Jaclyn, Jennifer AND future draft picks for Shawntel. Salary cap be damned!

Rose-Ceremony Eliminations:
Okay folks, it’s finally time to reveal my conspiracy theory on why this thing might be a done deal already. Only two people needed to be eliminated tonight, and I whole-heartedly agreed with Ben’s choices to send Erika and Jaclyn home. They just seemed like a bad fit for him. He’s a laid-back, low maintenance guy, and their hysterics at the rose ceremony only proved why I think they weren’t right for Ben. Fainting? Cursing at another girl before the rose is even handed out? Come on, ladies. You’re better than that. I hope.

But there’s just no legitimate explanation for choosing not to hand out that final rose and send Shawntel home. Sure, you can say there would’ve been a lot of drama if she’d stayed, and you can agree with Ben that it wasn’t fair. But Shawntel was right when she said this wasn’t about drama, or fairness, it’s about love, and if Ben felt a connection with her he owed it to his heart to explore that connection.

So I call BS on the stated reasons for sending her home.

Instead, I call your attention to Courtney’s little acceptance speech upon getting her rose. She made it clear that she wasn’t pleased with how Ben conducted himself around “what’s-her-butt” and then thanked him for not putting her through “that.” What could she possibly mean with that? The night had already taken place; she had already gone through it. She was talking about not putting her through that going forward, as in ‘don’t you dare give that b!tch a rose, or we’re gonna have problems, mister.’ And my take is that Ben, already being seriously taken by Courtney, decided right then and there to cut his losses and send Shawntel packing.

So there you have it. Maybe you agree with me; maybe you don’t. Maybe I’m right; maybe I’m wrong. But if it’s true, and Courtney has that much influence on Ben’s thinking already, maybe–as Bentley would say–we should just hit the reset button on this thing and start over.

14 Comments »

  1. Hands down, favorite blog & episode recap right here. You, sir, have a mighty fine way with words. And I couldn’t agree more about Ben sending Shawntel home so as not to lose Courtney. Kudos!

    Comment by Alyssa — January 20, 2012 @ 4:10 pm

  2. My take on what she meant by not putting her through “that” was making her wait through the rose ceremony by giving her a rose later on in the ceremony. I just thought she was happy to have been given the first rose at the rose ceremony. But you might be right and I might be wrong! :)

    Comment by Misty — January 20, 2012 @ 4:25 pm

  3. GREAT ONE. WHERE DID U GRADUATE WEST?

    Comment by andrea — January 20, 2012 @ 4:36 pm

  4. I sooooo wish you or the TPTB would post your blog sooner. It is so funny and well written! It’s so hard to enjoy a blog full of basic 4th grade errors. I get that most peeps are not lawyers or smart like you, but didn’t they graduate from HS – or at least made it through elementary or middle school? Please keep writing and post sooner. Thanks!!!

    Comment by Funny! — January 20, 2012 @ 7:33 pm

  5. Too bad you weren’t there to be Ben’s Nazi. “Courtney, NO BEN FOR YOU!!!!!”

    Comment by Funny! — January 20, 2012 @ 7:46 pm

  6. Totally agree Shawntel should have stayed. I would have also traded Blakely and Monica aswell as the other girls you mentioned. You can tell by his face and body language he is totally into Courtney. Poor guy.

    Comment by Anna — January 20, 2012 @ 9:24 pm

  7. Excellent blog. Thoroughly enjoyed it. So nice to get to know the personalities of bachelor alum through blogs, etc.

    Comment by Marci — January 20, 2012 @ 10:05 pm

  8. Nicely done.

    Comment by Allissa — January 20, 2012 @ 11:54 pm

  9. The best line ever: “…if Emily falls she’ll float gently to the ground like an autumn leaf.”
    Thanks for giving me some great writing to read!
    I look forward to reading your next recap-

    Comment by Janice — January 21, 2012 @ 10:16 am

  10. West, As the season is over, give us your prediction! I think Ben choses Courtney but it doesn’t work out. In a recent interview, Ben said “if there is a wedding”. Has to make wonder. It is like Brad and Emily. There was no question Brad was going to pick Emily but she was smart enough to see how he told half the women the same thing!

    I lost all respect for Ben when he set up that ski run. We don’t need to see half naked women trying to ski to in SF.

    Emily is the most normal and overall the most kind to the other women but, West, you are probably right and she won’t be Ben’s choice. He has said over and over that isn’t into blonds.

    Comment by Anne — January 23, 2012 @ 9:28 am

  11. Correction, we ALWAYS need to see half-naked women trying to ski.

    Comment by Appropriate username — January 23, 2012 @ 10:27 am

  12. Love you West, best blog ever. Oh, if only you were the bachelor and not boring Ben, it’d be a great show, instead of watching paint dry whenever Ben is on the screen. I’m done watching it actually, makes me zzzzzz. Wanted you, Micky or Ryan for the bachelor. Listen up ABC, get with it. We want hot, good looking men with a personality as the lead.

    Comment by Sweetie Pie — January 23, 2012 @ 1:13 pm

  13. I think Courtney is so ugly what does Ben see in her. She is a bitch, rude and childish. I think she is only on the show to be the winner not find love. She claims she is so great and a great catch for Ben and that she is better then all the other girls. I think out of all the girls she has the worst personality and she is the less attractive girl in the house. How did she become a model she has these ugly faces she makes , she walks like she is tired all the time and where is her lips.
    I HAVE NEVER DISLIKED A BACHELORETTE AS MUCH AS I DO HER. Michelle and Vienna never treated the other women in the house like they were better then anyone else. They just knew what they wanted and did not let others stop them from trying to have a relationship. They also did not act like a slut and talk about what they had to do to get the man. If she used her personality instead of her vindictive ways the girls would like her. That is assuming she has a personality. I THINK SHE IS SPOILED AND USED TO GETTING HER OWN WAY ,SHE DOES NOT WANT BEN .SHE JUST WANTS TO BEAT THE OTHER GIRLS IN THIS GAME SHE IS PLAYING. All you hear Courtney talk about is winning she is playing Ben and if he did pick her , he is going to see what everyone else gets to see and if he likes that kind of women he is not the man we all thought he was. I THINK IF BEN COULD SEE THE WAY SHE ACTS WHEN SHE IS DOING HER INTERVIEWS THAT ALONE SHOULD TURN HIM OFF. Chris Harrison it is not dry humor like Michelle had. Gotta love her she was determind to get her man. IT IS PURE DRIVEN CHILDISHNESS TO WIN OVER ALL THE OTHER GIRLS , HER OWN SELFISHNESS TO WIN WHAT SHE THINKS IS A GAME NOT TO FIND LASTING LOVE AND A PARTNER IN HER LIFE. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT I have never wrote a comment on any of the Bachelors but she has me wanting to verbally assault her. Ben if you are with her and you stayed after watching the show and learning her true personality. You are a blind and deaf man. With her vindictive ways toward women she shows all the signs of being the girlfriend from hell that is a controlling , complaining bitch you can never get rid off. I hope the next time you look for love( if more then 1 women tells you) , she is different with you then she is with everyone else , you listen. Because I know you kept hearing others talking about how mean she was .Were they all jealious? I think not it was the truth. Hope you did not tourcher yourself too long with her .A year worth of therapy is a long time to be out of the dating scene.People can forgive you picking her cause you did not see what we seen. Even staying for a little while to make sure she is the same with you behind the scenes. But don’t take too long trying to fix her, people will forget the Ben they thought had a good head on his shoulders and start trashing you like they did Jake when he picked the girl that only wanted to prove she can get any man she wants and from any girl.

    playing Ben

    Comment by Syndie — January 24, 2012 @ 5:02 am

  14. Hilarious Blog!!

    Comment by OCrazy — January 24, 2012 @ 6:42 am

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